Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Is it common for grandparents' interaction with their grandkids always comes back to their lives? For example, interactions include things like:
1) You're taking trig? I was always great at math - you must get that from me. Because when I was in school…
2) Presents that are photos of themselves
3) Presents that are family momentoes (shoes, blankets, hats)
I know I should be glad for any interaction the grandparents have with their grandkids. They're taking the time to give their attention to them. I just don't think they really get to know their grandkids because the conversation always turns back to their life. I understand grandparents may be preoccupied with leaving behind a legacy and making sure they are understood. But the best memories they could have are by showing a genuine interest in the kid, not themselves. The grandkid will get to know the grandparent by sharing experiences (and gradually hearing stories).
Should I mention anything to these grandparents or just let it go? Is this just how grandparents interact w/grandkids?
As far as I can tell, it is quite common. A lot of folks are mostly interested in themselves, even grandparents. My Mom loved to show off photos, loved to brag about how smart her grandkids were. But for the life of her, she couldn't tell you a thing about them, what they loved to do, what they found funny. Ditto DH's Mom and both our Dads.
And yes, you cannot mention a thing that they won't launch into a tale of some distant memory that may be only marginally connected. If a grandkid talks about going for a drivers learner's permit, the conversation quickly shifted to all the various cars they have owned over the years and what happened to each one of them. Maybe a recounting of trip driving through an ice storm several decades ago.
I once had our kids sit down with my Mom to write own the stories, thinking that if she thought they were there for future generations, she wouldn't have to keep repeating them. The kids soon lost interest and so did Mom.
She was not interested in writing down and preserving family stories. Turned out what she wanted was to be the center of attention.
It is such a sad situation. They want to stay relevant, be viewed as valuable, and so they talk about themselves which only confirms the kids' view that that they are out to lunch and irrelevant.
You can mention that they would have a closer relationship with their grandkids if they focused on getting to know the kids, but I'd be surprised if that changed anything.
It's sometimes difficult for older people to find commonality with younger people. Consider that this might be the grandparents way of finding that commonality and creating a connection in a very rudimentary way. By talking about how good she was at math or sharing a photo, perhaps the grandparents in question are hoping the grandchildren will run with it and feel connected.
This was never anything I encountered with my grandparents. I LOVED their stories, but all three of my grandparents - born between 1906 and 1920 - were heavily invested in what was going on in my life. It was very much a back-and-forth exchange. I learned a lot about their lives growing up - family stories were a huge thing for me. But I have to say that gifts were usually things that we wanted or needed.
Could the issue you're presenting have something to do with the Baby Boomer generation? It seems strange that it would be all three grandparents...
I wish that my grandparents had shared more of their lives/stuff with me. Most of what I have from them are just estate remnants stored in boxes.
Your grandparents are not just a source of money for your video-games.
Think for a minute about what you owe them. Like some of your time or even a card once in a while.
I see people jump to conclusions. I welcome debate and disagreements, but it's odd if the conversation goes in a different direction than what was even mentioned here. What's makes you think we never send cards? Leave voice mails? What makes you think we want money or any type of gift? Sorry you or others you know have been burned by family interaction but none of what you mention applies to this case.
A couple of posters had excellent posts on here. GotHereQuickAsICould hit the nail on the head. The only reason I give thought to the situation is because I wish the interaction of the grandparent could be better, funner, and looked forward to a little more. I'm not wishing for the whole thing to disappear.
This is probably also a matter of personalities clashing).
My husband's grandparents (my kids' great-grandparents) were amazing to hang out with. We would spend the time and money to visit them as opposed to anywhere else. They were hilarious and super kind. They were people who had conversation down to an artform. Rarely, did they bring up their history. We'd have to go out of our way to ask them: so tell us about when you met. Tell us about the war. What about your trip to Alaska. Then they'd launch into their story, always giving it a great spin (never in the form of a lecture or boastful). I am so very glad that we got to spend so much time with them and that my kids got to know them. They truly were amazing people.
I suppose the issue with the two granddad's involved is more that this takeover of the conversation and mailing pics of themselves. It's a continuation of a long history of selfishness. It isn't horrible or the end of the world. Just disappointing that this self-centered interaction is repeating the cycle of forming the same distant relationships they have formed for most of their lives.
As posters on here suggested, nothing really to be done about it. I'm not out to insult anyone or make anyone feel terrible. We'll take it as it is.
Your children will probably grow to cherish all of those stories that their Grandparents tell them whether you think it is important, antiquated or out of line.
I wish my Grandmother had shared more of her life growing up in Germany, I wish she had taught us how to speak German but she didn't and I still absolutely adore my Grandmother the way she was. I miss her terribly and I wish I would have had more time with her.
My Grandfather was the closest thing I had to a Father (not that I really know what that is) and I adore him as well. When we were at their home if you saw Grandpa you saw me right behind him. I still talk about the stories and things that happened when I was a child at my Grandparents home.
Even if we did nothing but sit in the living with Grandpa and watch the news we were with him and that is what mattered.
To me it isn't really the content of the time spent together but the actual time spent and I would not trade that time spent with them for anything on this planet.
This was never anything I encountered with my grandparents. I LOVED their stories, but all three of my grandparents - born between 1906 and 1920 - were heavily invested in what was going on in my life. It was very much a back-and-forth exchange. I learned a lot about their lives growing up - family stories were a huge thing for me. But I have to say that gifts were usually things that we wanted or needed.
Could the issue you're presenting have something to do with the Baby Boomer generation? It seems strange that it would be all three grandparents...
The back-and-forth exchange is the key here.
When kids know that grandparents are genuinely delighted, interested, and engaged with them, the conversations can be far ranging and build a connection that will stand the test of time.
What often happens is the older folks seek that connection by talking about themselves rather than exchanging information.
When the conversation turns regularly to how interesting the grandparents are, things tend do die down quickly.
My Mom loved to show off photos of HER grandkids, wanted everyone to know how smart and talented HER grandkids were. The emphasis was always on how HER.
If only she had spent more energy focusing on her grandkids, listening to them, delighting in how smart and talented they were, she would have had that connection she yearned for.
As far as I can tell, it is quite common. A lot of folks are mostly interested in themselves, even grandparents. My Mom loved to show off photos, loved to brag about how smart her grandkids were. But for the life of her, she couldn't tell you a thing about them, what they loved to do, what they found funny. Ditto DH's Mom and both our Dads.
And yes, you cannot mention a thing that they won't launch into a tale of some distant memory that may be only marginally connected. If a grandkid talks about going for a drivers learner's permit, the conversation quickly shifted to all the various cars they have owned over the years and what happened to each one of them. Maybe a recounting of trip driving through an ice storm several decades ago.
I once had our kids sit down with my Mom to write own the stories, thinking that if she thought they were there for future generations, she wouldn't have to keep repeating them. The kids soon lost interest and so did Mom.
She was not interested in writing down and preserving family stories. Turned out what she wanted was to be the center of attention.
It is such a sad situation. They want to stay relevant, be viewed as valuable, and so they talk about themselves which only confirms the kids' view that that they are out to lunch and irrelevant.
You can mention that they would have a closer relationship with their grandkids if they focused on getting to know the kids, but I'd be surprised if that changed anything.
I've seen it go both ways. some of us appreciate learning about the past, but when it appears to be more about being the center of attention, people get turned off.
My MIL has always made an effort to stay current. If her grandkids are into American Idol, she watches. If they're into Pokemon, she asks them to explain. She seeks to give them presents that are meaningful to them. She will also share family stories whenever anyone expresses interest, and has interesting family photos on the wall.
My mom has always been critical of pop culture. She disses TV and hates any music involving an instrument with an electric component (She turned 15 in 1950 and hates even the earliest rock and roll) There are no family photos of any kind on the wall. Her reminiscences are definitely about being the center of attention, to the point that if she doesn't have a memory that is pertinent to the topic at hand, she'll just make one up.
If grandparents want to share their past with your kids, let them, and try to put it into context for your kids in a way that works for them.
I guess I see that as the Grandparents sharing their lives with their grandkids, giving them a history. I think it's great. I used to love sitting with my Grandparents and hearing about what things were like when they were growing up, etc. I still regret not getting them to write a lot of this down. Some of my most cherished possessions are things that were my grandparents...nothing "worth" anything other than sentimental value but they certainly remind me of them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
