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I guess I see that as the Grandparents sharing their lives with their grandkids, giving them a history. I think it's great. I used to love sitting with my Grandparents and hearing about what things were like when they were growing up, etc. I still regret not getting them to write a lot of this down. Some of my most cherished possessions are things that were my grandparents...nothing "worth" anything other than sentimental value but they certainly remind me of them.
great post,
i wish we had all the electronics the kids have today, i would have my great grandparents on video,,asking questions..
to hear how they lived when electricity came thru the house or indoor plumbing- or working on the farm before and after school..
my grandmother had some great stories and not so great stories..
they were poor
no wonder the kids cant relate,,
I see people jump to conclusions. I welcome debate and disagreements, but it's odd if the conversation goes in a different direction than what was even mentioned here. What's makes you think we never send cards? Leave voice mails? What makes you think we want money or any type of gift? Sorry you or others you know have been burned by family interaction but none of what you mention applies to this case.
A couple of posters had excellent posts on here. GotHereQuickAsICould hit the nail on the head. The only reason I give thought to the situation is because I wish the interaction of the grandparent could be better, funner, and looked forward to a little more. I'm not wishing for the whole thing to disappear.
This is probably also a matter of personalities clashing).
My husband's grandparents (my kids' great-grandparents) were amazing to hang out with. We would spend the time and money to visit them as opposed to anywhere else. They were hilarious and super kind. They were people who had conversation down to an artform. Rarely, did they bring up their history. We'd have to go out of our way to ask them: so tell us about when you met. Tell us about the war. What about your trip to Alaska. Then they'd launch into their story, always giving it a great spin (never in the form of a lecture or boastful). I am so very glad that we got to spend so much time with them and that my kids got to know them. They truly were amazing people.
I suppose the issue with the two granddad's involved is more that this takeover of the conversation and mailing pics of themselves. It's a continuation of a long history of selfishness. It isn't horrible or the end of the world. Just disappointing that this self-centered interaction is repeating the cycle of forming the same distant relationships they have formed for most of their lives.
As posters on here suggested, nothing really to be done about it. I'm not out to insult anyone or make anyone feel terrible. We'll take it as it is.
If they have always been this way I suspect that they will stay that way the rest of their lives.
I just had a mini family reunion with two of my cousins. We spent some time talking about their late mother (married to my uncle). Their mother was (to put it bluntly) a spoiled, selfish only child who always needed to be the center of attention. This was how her own children described her. She was this way when she was a child & teen & in her 20s (according to stories told about her) and she definitely was that way in her 30s, 40s, & 50s when she was raising her children and she was like that when she was in her 60s to 80s.
Although, I was familiar with many of the stories my cousins shared a few more and it was heartbreaking to hear some of them. Such as situations where she was down right mean to her grandchildren because she wanted all of the focus and attention on herself in every situation. But her children accepted that their mother would never change and they did what they could to minimize the damage of her self-centeredness to them and their children.
Luckily this extreme behavior is pretty rare. I suspect that readers who have never met a person quite this spoiled and selfish would not understand how frustrating and difficult it must be.
Good luck to you.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-22-2014 at 08:25 AM..
That's a good lesson for kids. It's not all that different when it comes to grandparents. Different individuals have different ideas on all kinds of things. Some grandparents are more "with it", up to date and might know the coolest video game to buy but you cannot grow up expecting that.
Kids should be well-rounded, they should have some of their family's history and know something of the past.
I spent a lot of time with my grandmothers when I was a kid. One of my very favorite things to do was listen to stories they told me about their pasts and their own childhoods. I'd beg to hear them over and over again. My maternal grandma, a linguist, was particularly good at the storytelling, and when I was older she would even write down stories from her childhood for me to read over and I loved that. Each of her stories had some kind of subtle life lesson for me too. Both grandmas had lived through the war in rural Russia, and experienced poverty and hunger and tragedy. I learned so much from hearing about their pasts, and it taught me not to take what I had for granted. There's so much value to be gained in kids interacting with the older generation, and not just having it revolve around the grandparents buying gifts and spoiling them. Again, my grandparents never showered me with gifts, but I loved spending each minute with them - we did things together and they involved me in their everyday lives, simple things like cooking, cleaning up, running errands, going for walks.
On the topic of mementos, I have gotten these as well and honestly, they are some of the most special things I own. Toys and clothes and video games are going to be discarded and forgotten. I have a picture of my grandpa, who passed away before I was born; my grandma and grandpa when they were young. Old black and white photo albums and old letters, that I've spent hours poring over. My late grandpa's silver cufflinks and war medal, and my great-grandmother's wedding ring. These are so much more special than any expensive electronics. With your attitude, you're denying your kids the value of these things; instead of teaching them that it's special and they should appreciate it, you're complaining about it. Well, your choice.
What a wonderful teaching opportunity for your kids. You should show them how to participate in a conversation that shows interest in the other party, namely the grandparents. You can start off by asking the grandparents to tell something about themselves that pertains to an interest your kids have. The kids will learn something about their grandparents and gain the valuable skill of listening and not just talking about themselves all the time.
If you set up the expectation with your kids ahead of time, that time with the grandparents is valuable and everyone should take the opportunity to learn as much about them as they can when they are together, your kids won't be disappointed if they aren't the center of attention. They may even get into the spirit of hearing about the old days.
If the parents aren't good story tellers ask some probing questions to get to details that are interesting to you. An example would be if your dad was a milk man ask what is the funniest thing that ever happened when he was delivering milk. Or tell us about when you and dad moved to <blank>? What was it like then? How about the day mom or dad was born? Did you get to the hospital on time? You get the idea.
When your back in the car again discuss how interesting it was to visit with them. Don't mention how bored you were or anything negative like how come they didn't ask about Johnny's home run. Your kids will pick up on that and treat the grandparents accordingly. Say things like "Aren't grandma and grandpop interesting? I'm so glad they told us about X. I've always wondered about the day I was born" or "Wasn't that story funny? Things sure were different for them."
I truly do not see the problem here. So what if Grandpa wants to think Sonny-Boy inherited his math ability from him? Maybe it will make Sonny respect and/of appreciate Grandpa more to know GP was good at math.
The pictures of themselves may be what they have available to give. Maybe their friends say they give their grandchildren toys and the kids don't play with them, or whatever. Family mementos, yeah, my MIL did that, too, and I would just put them away if the kids didn't want them. I didn't see that it was a big deal.
But the best memories they could have are by showing a genuine interest in the kid, not themselves.
You're completely wrong on this.
Most normal, not self-centered kids LOVE listening and hearing others, not just going on about themselves. People have been doing this since the beginning of time, until our own kid-centered generation - think about the elders and oral storytelling in tribes. There is nothing wrong with a child learning from a grandparent and not the other way around.
With what you're saying, you're essentially encouraging and nurturing the traits in your kids that you claim to dislike in the grandparents - self-centeredness and egotism. It's so much more important to be teaching the kids to see the value in the grandparents' stories rather than putting them down. As long as the grandparents aren't actually being mean-spirited to the kids and hurting their feelings in any way - which doesn't sound to be the case - you have no case for complaining. Your kids, however, will definitely pick up on your attitude and start thinking they don't want to listen to grandpa going on about his dull war stories again. And it'll ultimately be their loss.
1) You're taking trig? I was always great at math - you must get that from me. Because when I was in school...
Why does this bother you? I'm curious. I have a family member who feels similarly to you when people say her child looks like me. (Her child and I are the only green eyed blondes in the family. Everyone else has brown hair and brown eyes.) Is it because you don't like the grandparents and don't want your children to be considered like them? Because that's how it sounds when someone gets upset about hearing "you must get that from X."
Why does this bother you? I'm curious. I have a family member who feels similarly to you when people say her child looks like me. (Her child and I are the only green eyed blondes in the family. Everyone else has brown hair and brown eyes.) Is it because you don't like the grandparents and don't want your children to be considered like them? Because that's how it sounds when someone gets upset about hearing "you must get that from X."
If I had to really think about why it bothers me it's because it is boastful, coming from a person who, in essence, was a horrible absent dad, who poured all his money on himself, his dates, traveling - all the while neglecting his kids when they were hungry and didn't have their basic needs met. He declared bankruptcy and in his older years goes to his kids for money. So when he goes around patting himself on the back for being so smart and taking credit for grandiose-traits it is quite irritating. BUT, if he would have been a great dad and in fact, had been a responsible human being who didn't live on handouts, it probably wouldn't bother me. (So I suppose there is a back story here that changes the dynamic.)
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