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I understand where the OP is coming from. Some people are narcissistic and don't really care about the person they're relating to as a person, only about how they can be the main focus in the relationship.
I think the worrying part is that the grandparent in question doesn't actually know their grand kids. That alone should explain why this is not an example of the OP elder bashing for the sake if it.
My child has one set of grandparents who know everything about her as a person, because they're genuinely interested, and one grandparent who only relates to her as far as showing off her own life. Couldn't tell you anything specific about the actual child in question.
Being old enough to be a grandparent does not give you a pass on bad behavior.
why should i focus on an old guy who has done many things and knows much and how to avoid so many pitfalls, why should i do that when my life as a 13 year old is so much more interesting and i already know all the answers? if i need to know how to handle something i will just ask another 13 year old they know so much more.
why should i focus on an old guy who has done many things and knows much and how to avoid so many pitfalls, why should i do that when my life as a 13 year old is so much more interesting and i already know all the answers? if i need to know how to handle something i will just ask another 13 year old they know so much more.
You've totally missed the point. That's not what this is about at all.
Is it common for grandparents' interaction with their grandkids always comes back to their lives? For example, interactions include things like:
1) You're taking trig? I was always great at math - you must get that from me. Because when I was in school…
2) Presents that are photos of themselves
3) Presents that are family momentoes (shoes, blankets, hats)
I know I should be glad for any interaction the grandparents have with their grandkids. They're taking the time to give their attention to them. I just don't think they really get to know their grandkids because the conversation always turns back to their life. I understand grandparents may be preoccupied with leaving behind a legacy and making sure they are understood. But the best memories they could have are by showing a genuine interest in the kid, not themselves. The grandkid will get to know the grandparent by sharing experiences (and gradually hearing stories).
Last package we got included a picture of the males in the family (including grandpa and his dad) with empty spaces for my husband and my oldest son (but what about my daughters?) I understand the antiquated thinking of highlighting the males because they will carry the family name (females may too, but that's not a given).
My dad, btw, is guilty of this, too. Probably doesn't help that they live in a different state, so when they visit, they want to shove to the forefront all of their stories and emphasize to my kids that they can't lose their "heritage". Frankly, it's a little depressing, because mortality hangs in the air.
Should I mention anything to these grandparents or just let it go? Is this just how grandparents interact w/grandkids?
I don't think you are selfish and I don't think this is about your desire for your children to have the newest and most expensive toys.
What I do think, is that you want your in-laws and your dad to stop projecting themselves on your children and get to know your children as human beings, not as extensions of themselves.
On birthdays and holidays I think that it's appropriate to give gifts that the recipient will enjoy, not the gift giver.
These grandparents should attempt to get to know your children and their interests and talents. Age appropriate gifts that coincide with the child's interests are all that you are expecting.
And I think you have that right.
I also take issue with this obsession with the "males in the family" which by definition, excludes your daughter.
I am curious how your husband feels about this.
These grandparents sound very narcissistic. That's my first thought.
I don't think you are selfish and I don't think this is about your desire for your children to have the newest and most expensive toys.
What I do think, is that you want your in-laws and your dad to stop projecting themselves on your children and get to know your children as human beings, not as extensions of themselves.
On birthdays and holidays I think that it's appropriate to give gifts that the recipient will enjoy, not the gift giver.
These grandparents should attempt to get to know your children and their interests and talents. Age appropriate gifts that coincide with the child's interests are all that you are expecting.
And I think you have that right.
I also take issue with this obsession with the "males in the family" which by definition, excludes your daughter.
I am curious how your husband feels about this.
These grandparents sound very narcissistic. That's my first thought.
She can have that right all she wants, but how exactly is she going to enforce that?
You cannot change another person. You cannot control how other people interact with each other. No matter what she does, she is not going to be able to get the grandparents to interact with the kids on her terms - I mean, how exactly would that look? Giving them a list of the questions they must ask the kids and the presents they should give?
The OP only basically has two choices - a) do nothing and allow the kids and grandparents to find their own ways of interacting and build their own relationship, regardless of what the OP thinks, or b) make the decision on behalf of the kids to cut the grandparents out of their lives. I think that as long the kids are beyond preschool age and are capable of making their own conclusions, AND the grandparents are not harming or emotionally abusing them, option B would not be a good choice. If the kids are fine with the grandparents, the OP should be too. Of course, if she really does feel they're toxic and are potentially causing damage to the kids, by all means she should take measures to cut them off.
Those are the only two options, which is why the thread doesn't make much sense and it's easy to make the conclusion that the OP is trying to find an excuse on here to trash-talk the grandparents to the kids. Not saying that's what she is doing, but since she didn't mention wanting to cut off all contact, I don't see what else the point of the thread might be.
Your kids will grow up into teenagers and at some point will reject all this "in my age.." "when I was 15..." from both their parents and grandparents. Until then, why not let them sponge some knowledge about what others did?
My son even now at 28 remembers fondly the stories his grandparents shared with him as a child. He learned a lot about ww2 and the depression. It is the older generation passing down a part of history.
Is it common for grandparents' interaction with their grandkids always comes back to their lives? For example, interactions include things like:
1) You're taking trig? I was always great at math - you must get that from me. Because when I was in school…
2) Presents that are photos of themselves
3) Presents that are family momentoes (shoes, blankets, hats)
I know I should be glad for any interaction the grandparents have with their grandkids. They're taking the time to give their attention to them. I just don't think they really get to know their grandkids because the conversation always turns back to their life. I understand grandparents may be preoccupied with leaving behind a legacy and making sure they are understood. But the best memories they could have are by showing a genuine interest in the kid, not themselves. The grandkid will get to know the grandparent by sharing experiences (and gradually hearing stories).
Last package we got included a picture of the males in the family (including grandpa and his dad) with empty spaces for my husband and my oldest son (but what about my daughters?) I understand the antiquated thinking of highlighting the males because they will carry the family name (females may too, but that's not a given).
My dad, btw, is guilty of this, too. Probably doesn't help that they live in a different state, so when they visit, they want to shove to the forefront all of their stories and emphasize to my kids that they can't lose their "heritage". Frankly, it's a little depressing, because mortality hangs in the air.
Should I mention anything to these grandparents or just let it go? Is this just how grandparents interact w/grandkids?
Should you mention "anything" to these grandparents? No. No you shouldn't...and you shouldn't make any negative comments to your children about it, either.
You know, I didn't have grandparents around to get that information from. To be honest, the little I did know them, they didn't seem like the kind of people who really wanted to talk about themselves...and that's sad. I would have LOVED to have been able to really know more about my grandparents and my parents, so that I could share that with my kids and grandkids.
I'm not sure you can appreciate this right now, but encourage your kids to engage in those conversations and to ask more questions. You just might learn something more about those grandparents...and how can that be a bad thing? As for pictures? That's kind of smart of them! If they don't see them very often, they're not going to "feel" like strangers, are they?
Please just give those people respect, because they are interacting with your children. It might not be scripted, the way YOU think it should be......but it doesn't mean that they're not doing the right thing.
How is a grandparent being self-centered and rude somehow acceptable and how will it teach the grandchildren to be good people? I would think that children would be more likely to become rude, self-centered brats if they were constantly presented with role models who made everything about themselves and provided no actual back-and-forth interaction. Kids usually take on the behaviors that are presented to them. It is universally considered rude to simply expound upon your own life without seeking to interact with the people you are conversing with. Polite people will ask questions about their companions with genuine interest.
My grandparents regaled me and my cousins with all kinds of stories, but they always asked us questions too. Grandchildren should not be considered merely an audience.
Last edited by Jaded; 02-24-2014 at 04:46 PM..
Reason: Removed deleted post
If I had to really think about why it bothers me it's because it is boastful, coming from a person who, in essence, was a horrible absent dad, who poured all his money on himself, his dates, traveling - all the while neglecting his kids when they were hungry and didn't have their basic needs met. He declared bankruptcy and in his older years goes to his kids for money. So when he goes around patting himself on the back for being so smart and taking credit for grandiose-traits it is quite irritating. BUT, if he would have been a great dad and in fact, had been a responsible human being who didn't live on handouts, it probably wouldn't bother me. (So I suppose there is a back story here that changes the dynamic.)
This helps. I totally see where you are coming from. All I can say is don't keep secrets from your children in an effort to keep another family member's "image" clean if it's indeed a false image. In due time, your children should know how their grandfather was; this way, they can form an educated opinion about his transformation, if it even has occurred. They will be able to love him for how he is with them, and separate his past from his present. But only discuss it when they are mature enough to handle the information. Secrets, lies, and deceit ruin families.
Good or bad, your father's past IS important and has affected you deeply. I understand your frustration...he knows that his children don't respect him, and instead of apologizing for his behavior to you when you were a child and asking for forgiveness, he is hoping to create a "new and improved" image to his unsuspecting grandchildren in an effort to appear greater than he is. Nope. No cigar for phoniness.
Good Luck!
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Until then, why not let them sponge some knowledge about what others did?
