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If I had to really think about why it bothers me it's because it is boastful, coming from a person who, in essence, was a horrible absent dad, who poured all his money on himself, his dates, traveling - all the while neglecting his kids when they were hungry and didn't have their basic needs met. He declared bankruptcy and in his older years goes to his kids for money. So when he goes around patting himself on the back for being so smart and taking credit for grandiose-traits it is quite irritating. BUT, if he would have been a great dad and in fact, had been a responsible human being who didn't live on handouts, it probably wouldn't bother me. (So I suppose there is a back story here that changes the dynamic.)
Not really, you are basing you decision on his past with his children not his present with your children.
They are two completely unrelated things and just because he was a poofilled parent does not mean he is not smart and a good grandparent.
If I had to really think about why it bothers me it's because it is boastful, coming from a person who, in essence, was a horrible absent dad, who poured all his money on himself, his dates, traveling - all the while neglecting his kids when they were hungry and didn't have their basic needs met. He declared bankruptcy and in his older years goes to his kids for money. So when he goes around patting himself on the back for being so smart and taking credit for grandiose-traits it is quite irritating. BUT, if he would have been a great dad and in fact, had been a responsible human being who didn't live on handouts, it probably wouldn't bother me. (So I suppose there is a back story here that changes the dynamic.)
Why do you associate with him when you have such distain for him?
I guess I see that as the Grandparents sharing their lives with their grandkids, giving them a history. I think it's great. I used to love sitting with my Grandparents and hearing about what things were like when they were growing up, etc. I still regret not getting them to write a lot of this down. Some of my most cherished possessions are things that were my grandparents...nothing "worth" anything other than sentimental value but they certainly remind me of them.
That's what I was thinking. And the grandparents that are doing this may think that they are sharing something with that child that they don't share with others - mainly b/c they think the child is interested (and typically they ARE interested - I sure was!)
I know folks whose lives revolves around the fact that their grandkids "want to know them." My mother thinks all the g/children want to know minute details about her life and the g/kids often run from my Mother and try to avoid her b/c of this need to over-do it with the personal history stuff. So kids have their ways of handling it, if it stops being fun, lol.
I would not worry about it as the interaction is one between the children and their grandparents and it is what it is -- if the kids get uncomfortable -- they will figure out how to handle it. And if they are enjoying it, what the heck. I treasure those talks and little statements my g/parents made about how I was like them or looked like their sister or grandmother or that I am talented like they were, etc. Kids and grandparents find their own equilibrium. It's not as though something harmful is going on.
If I had to really think about why it bothers me it's because it is boastful, coming from a person who, in essence, was a horrible absent dad, who poured all his money on himself, his dates, traveling - all the while neglecting his kids when they were hungry and didn't have their basic needs met. He declared bankruptcy and in his older years goes to his kids for money. So when he goes around patting himself on the back for being so smart and taking credit for grandiose-traits it is quite irritating. BUT, if he would have been a great dad and in fact, had been a responsible human being who didn't live on handouts, it probably wouldn't bother me. (So I suppose there is a back story here that changes the dynamic.)
I can see why the history grates on you in relation to the current behaviors.
I will share with you my story and maybe it will be meaningful in some small way.
One of my grandfathers was neglectful and an abusive alcoholic, to my father and my g/mother. He was away from home most of their lives b/c of his career, but when he was around, he was mean and abusive. So my Dad and he did not have much of a relationship (altho my Dad certainly tried).
I am told when I was born, my mother didn't want me around my grandfather so she told him he would never see me if 1. he didn't quit smoking and 2. he didn't stop drinking.
My grandfather stopped drinking and smoking - cold turkey. I am sure this is not an exaggeration as people STILL tell me all these years later that that could not believe how much my grandfather loved me and how important it was that he had a relationship with me - so much so that he quit two nearly lifelong habits on the spot. And that is rather remarkable.
My grandfather was not an easy person to deal with - but he adored me. He and I were extremely close. My mother bad-mouthed him til the day he died and still makes snarky remarks about him. But to me, he was wonderful. We did everything imaginable - things on the farm - together. He taught me so many things, including bee-keeping. I was interested in the things he shared; couldn't wait to spend time with him.
So he was a lousy dad. But he was a wonderful grandfather. My dad has said many times over the years that his father (during my Dad's early years) was one of the meanest people he had ever met and that he had never known his father to have a kind word or gesture towards anyone - until he became a grandfather - and that at times, it was hard seeing his dad with me - so kind and caring and loving - when he had been so awful to my dad and his mom. None of us can explain why the change. My dad and I think it was like a 'second chance' to make up for the mistakes of the past.
I would just ask you to consider that maybe this may be the same thing in your family - and try to give it the benefit of the doubt. What a loss it would have been for ME (regardless of what it would or wouldn't have meant for my grandfather) had my family decided to keep me distanced from him b/c of his lousy record as a parent.
Most normal, not self-centered kids LOVE listening and hearing others, not just going on about themselves. People have been doing this since the beginning of time, until our own kid-centered generation - think about the elders and oral storytelling in tribes. There is nothing wrong with a child learning from a grandparent and not the other way around.
With what you're saying, you're essentially encouraging and nurturing the traits in your kids that you claim to dislike in the grandparents - self-centeredness and egotism. It's so much more important to be teaching the kids to see the value in the grandparents' stories rather than putting them down. As long as the grandparents aren't actually being mean-spirited to the kids and hurting their feelings in any way - which doesn't sound to be the case - you have no case for complaining. Your kids, however, will definitely pick up on your attitude and start thinking they don't want to listen to grandpa going on about his dull war stories again. And it'll ultimately be their loss.
I think a few of you are being a little hard on the OP. If I read her post correctly she is referring grandparents and situations that are far, far beyond normal.
As I posted earlier, I had an aunt that was so spoiled, selfish and self-centered that it probably would have been considered a type of mental illness or psychosis. Her treatment of her children (and later her grandchildren) was abusive and neglectful because she always came first every time and in every situation! Unless you have actually known a person like this it is hard to imagine it being that bad. I suspect that it is this type of mental illness that the OP is talking about not the run-of-the-mill grandparent who likes to tell stories of their past and give their grandchildren pictures of themselves.
germaine2626, your post is very helpful and hit the nail on the head.
As you indicated, I'm referring to something extreme. If posters on here want to think that I am angling for gifts for my kids, ungrateful of time spent, poisoning their minds against the grandparent and encouraging the "egotistic" behavior of the current generation (as every previous generation has complained) - they are mixing their own emotions and issues into a post that has nothing to do with that.
Looks like some people on here are looking for a reason to be angry and outraged.
germaine2626, your post is very helpful and hit the nail on the head.
As you indicated, I'm referring to something extreme. If posters on here want to think that I am angling for gifts for my kids, ungrateful of time spent, poisoning their minds against the grandparent and encouraging the "egotistic" behavior of the current generation (as every previous generation has complained) - they are mixing their own emotions and issues into a post that has nothing to do with that.
Looks like some people on here are looking for a reason to be angry and outraged.
sorry, maybe I missed it, but I didn't see where you talked about anything extreme??
In the OP, you said they're guilty of:
- telling stories, emphasizing heritage, and inserting themselves into conversation (math skills) rather than focusing solely on listening TO the kids
- give family pictures and mementos as gifts
.....
what exactly sounds so extreme about this to provoke that kind of reaction?
It didn't sound like anything like the previous poster was talking about in relation to her mentally ill aunt.
Am I missing something?
germaine2626, your post is very helpful and hit the nail on the head.
As you indicated, I'm referring to something extreme. If posters on here want to think that I am angling for gifts for my kids, ungrateful of time spent, poisoning their minds against the grandparent and encouraging the "egotistic" behavior of the current generation (as every previous generation has complained) - they are mixing their own emotions and issues into a post that has nothing to do with that.
Looks like some people on here are looking for a reason to be angry and outraged.
You were the one who posted the examples, that to most of us, are not extreme at all. How old are your children? You mention trig, so we aren't talking about young kids here. Are they not old enough to engage their grandparents in a topic of mutual interest?
If I had to really think about why it bothers me it's because it is boastful, coming from a person who, in essence, was a horrible absent dad, who poured all his money on himself, his dates, traveling - all the while neglecting his kids when they were hungry and didn't have their basicneeds met. He declared bankruptcy and in his older years goes to his kids for money. So when he goes around patting himself on the back for being so smart and taking credit for grandiose-traits it is quite irritating. BUT, if he would have been a great dad and in fact, had been a responsible human being who didn't live on handouts, it probably wouldn't bother me. (So I suppose there is a back story here that changes the dynamic.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
sorry, maybe I missed it, but I didn't see where you talked about anything extreme??
In the OP, you said they're guilty of:
- telling stories, emphasizing heritage, and inserting themselves into conversation (math skills) rather than focusing solely on listening TO the kids
- give family pictures and mementos as gifts
.....
what exactly sounds so extreme about this to provoke that kind of reaction?
It didn't sound like anything like the previous poster was talking about in relation to her mentally ill aunt.
Am I missing something?
I guess that I would consider a parent who thought of himself first, spent his money on himself, dates & traveling while his children were hungry and didn't have their basic needs metwas extremely self-centered but perhaps that is just me.
Or maybe I am extra sympathetic to the OP because it was just last night that my cousins were sharing some pretty disturbing details of their life dealing with an extremely self-centered parent/grandparent.
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