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Marriage counseling...adult children/grandchildren will not fulfilled your adult life's needs. Trying to have it all (split in two places) does not sound wise.
never been in your shoes either but since you have friends, job you love, and great life where you are now, stay there. Is being a long distance grandmother really worth giving up what you've got?
A condo for 2 mo/year? If 2 or 3 days is too much, wouldn't 2 months be even more than too much?
Your decision of course but as your title says, it's a sacrifice you made 7 yrs ago.
Curmudgeon, I usually read a lot and post little, but I was among those stunned at the recent turn of events in your life. I know you're a survivor, but I can't believe the way Life has a way of testing the strong even more.
Thanks, deedolce. As the saying goes, "this too shall pass!" I've always loved challenges but this is not one I sought or anticipated until about three days before my wife sprang it on me. I believe I'm up to it.
Thanks, deedolce. As the saying goes, "this too shall pass!" I've always loved challenges but this is not one I sought or anticipated until about three days before my wife sprang it on me. I believe I'm up to it.
U are definitely up to it. Good wishes coming your way.
After being divorced for 18 years a friend introduced me to a man who lived 1200 miles away. We had a great time during our year long, long distance relationship. My job wasn't so great, he'd been with the same company for 25 years. We both had adult children, mine were 19 & 21, my oldest son was on his own and no interest in moving. My 19 year old daughter was moving with me but 3 months before the move fell in love and stated back. Fast forward 7 years... It's been rough to say the least. I feel as though I've given up everything and have made all the sacrifice. I'm the one who travels for visits, my kids also come to see me, but the normal relationship between adult children is not in place. I come see my kids and we spend 2-3 days together, sometimes it's just too much time together. I also fit in time to spend with my 70+ year old parents. My husband is able to drive 1 hour, take his kids to dinner, see his mom, and come home. He is able to help them with little things they need with little effort. When my kids need something it's typically me throwing my credit card at the situation because I can't be here to help.
My daughter is now married and planning to have a child in the next year. I do not want to be a long distant grandmother. By the way my husband's adult children have not allowed me into their lives and the oldest daughter has a 2 year old that calls me by my first name, every other family member has a cute grandparent name.
I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of getting a small condo close to my children and spending 2 months here, and go back for 2 weeks. There will be times my husband will travel to see me. But after 7 years I have friends, a job I love and a great life there, with not being there I will miss a lot, and also wonder if a marriage can last under those circumstances. I so wish my kids would move to where I live but they won't.
Any advice for anyone who's been in my shoes???
So emotional torn between Colorado & Alabama
You did give up everything. Now you seem to regret it. Which is more important..your kids or your husband ?
. I so wish my kids would move to where I live but they won't.
Any advice for anyone who's been in my shoes???
I've been in your kids' shoes. They are grown adults with their own lives. Why would they want to uproot everything to move? I'm with everyone who says stay, but visit a lot.
Best of luck. After five years of friendship and two years after a divorce I asked out a friend. She'd also been divorced for 18 years. We married 18+ years ago and in that time moved from northern California to the Ozarks of SW Missouri, a region she'd spent about 10 years in earlier and always wanted to return to. We've been here for six years. Despite some medical issues on both our parts I though we were happy.
Silly me! Just a half hour ago I watched our car disappear around a bend in the road with her and one of her daughters whom we'd flow out here from CA in it. She's returning to where her "real" family is. It's where she an de I met and married but the tugs of children and grands was too much for her even though I made sure she went back for visits.
You have a difficult choice to make, Beatrice. I hope you make the right one.
Curmudgeon, I am so sorry to hear that, especially as it sounds like you were blindsided by your wife's decision to leave.:
If 18 years of marriage doesn't make a spouse a member of the family, I don't know what could. In any case, I wish you the best and a satisfactory, if not happy resolution of this separation.
^^^^
This. Isn't the act of marriage making a non-blood-related person into kin?
I am confused by those who wanted their adult children to move with them or who would follow their adult children around. The OP said something about not having "a normal adult relationship" with her distant children. In my world, not living nearby IS a normal adult relationship, unless people are separated because of acrimony. Modern life very often means living some distance from one's origins, or a lot of distance- college, job, military… I feel people have failed as the parents of adults if they feel they must live in daily contact or something close to it.
Maybe it sounds harsh (and I don't speak from experience) but it sounds to me like these wives who have left their good husbands to be near adult children/grandchildren have failed in their emotional development as life moves on. I am sorry for those good men left behind and do hope they have the relationship they deserve.
I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of getting a small condo close to my children and spending 2 months here, and go back for 2 weeks. There will be times my husband will travel to see me.
But after 7 years I have friends, a job I love and a great life there, with not being there I will miss a lot, and also wonder if a marriage can last under those circumstances. I so wish my kids would move to where I live but they won't.
It's not only can it last - but, if it should, what irreparable damage is done to the relationship when you remove yourself from it.
I think you've answered your own question. You have friends, job you love, and a great life.
Remembering back, as close as I was to my family, I can say, for sure, you are a whole lot more focused on your kids/grands, than they are (or will be) on you.
They have their life, you have yours. With the exception of your husband's children not accepting you completely - a very common situation - on balance you will be risking a lot for, imo, a disappointing return.
jmo.
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