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After being divorced for 18 years a friend introduced me to a man who lived 1200 miles away. We had a great time during our year long, long distance relationship. My job wasn't so great, he'd been with the same company for 25 years. We both had adult children, mine were 19 & 21, my oldest son was on his own and no interest in moving. My 19 year old daughter was moving with me but 3 months before the move fell in love and stated back. Fast forward 7 years... It's been rough to say the least. I feel as though I've given up everything and have made all the sacrifice. I'm the one who travels for visits, my kids also come to see me, but the normal relationship between adult children is not in place. I come see my kids and we spend 2-3 days together, sometimes it's just too much time together. I also fit in time to spend with my 70+ year old parents. My husband is able to drive 1 hour, take his kids to dinner, see his mom, and come home. He is able to help them with little things they need with little effort. When my kids need something it's typically me throwing my credit card at the situation because I can't be here to help.
My daughter is now married and planning to have a child in the next year. I do not want to be a long distant grandmother. By the way my husband's adult children have not allowed me into their lives and the oldest daughter has a 2 year old that calls me by my first name, every other family member has a cute grandparent name.
I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of getting a small condo close to my children and spending 2 months here, and go back for 2 weeks. There will be times my husband will travel to see me. But after 7 years I have friends, a job I love and a great life there, with not being there I will miss a lot, and also wonder if a marriage can last under those circumstances. I so wish my kids would move to where I live but they won't.
Any advice for anyone who's been in my shoes???
After being divorced for 18 years a friend introduced me to a man who lived 1200 miles away. We had a great time during our year long, long distance relationship. My job wasn't so great, he'd been with the same company for 25 years. We both had adult children, mine were 19 & 21, my oldest son was on his own and no interest in moving. My 19 year old daughter was moving with me but 3 months before the move fell in love and stated back. Fast forward 7 years... It's been rough to say the least. I feel as though I've given up everything and have made all the sacrifice. I'm the one who travels for visits, my kids also come to see me, but the normal relationship between adult children is not in place. I come see my kids and we spend 2-3 days together, sometimes it's just too much time together. I also fit in time to spend with my 70+ year old parents. My husband is able to drive 1 hour, take his kids to dinner, see his mom, and come home. He is able to help them with little things they need with little effort. When my kids need something it's typically me throwing my credit card at the situation because I can't be here to help.
My daughter is now married and planning to have a child in the next year. I do not want to be a long distant grandmother. By the way my husband's adult children have not allowed me into their lives and the oldest daughter has a 2 year old that calls me by my first name, every other family member has a cute grandparent name.
I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of getting a small condo close to my children and spending 2 months here, and go back for 2 weeks. There will be times my husband will travel to see me. But after 7 years I have friends, a job I love and a great life there, with not being there I will miss a lot, and also wonder if a marriage can last under those circumstances. I so wish my kids would move to where I live but they won't.
Any advice for anyone who's been in my shoes???
So emotional torn between Colorado & Alabama
Best of luck. After five years of friendship and two years after a divorce I asked out a friend. She'd also been divorced for 18 years. We married 18+ years ago and in that time moved from northern California to the Ozarks of SW Missouri, a region she'd spent about 10 years in earlier and always wanted to return to. We've been here for six years. Despite some medical issues on both our parts I though we were happy.
Silly me! Just a half hour ago I watched our car disappear around a bend in the road with her and one of her daughters whom we'd flow out here from CA in it. She's returning to where her "real" family is. It's where she an de I met and married but the tugs of children and grands was too much for her even though I made sure she went back for visits.
You have a difficult choice to make, Beatrice. I hope you make the right one.
After being divorced for 18 years a friend introduced me to a man who lived 1200 miles away. We had a great time during our year long, long distance relationship. My job wasn't so great, he'd been with the same company for 25 years. We both had adult children, mine were 19 & 21, my oldest son was on his own and no interest in moving. My 19 year old daughter was moving with me but 3 months before the move fell in love and stated back. Fast forward 7 years... It's been rough to say the least. I feel as though I've given up everything and have made all the sacrifice. I'm the one who travels for visits, my kids also come to see me, but the normal relationship between adult children is not in place. I come see my kids and we spend 2-3 days together, sometimes it's just too much time together. I also fit in time to spend with my 70+ year old parents. My husband is able to drive 1 hour, take his kids to dinner, see his mom, and come home. He is able to help them with little things they need with little effort. When my kids need something it's typically me throwing my credit card at the situation because I can't be here to help.
My daughter is now married and planning to have a child in the next year. I do not want to be a long distant grandmother. By the way my husband's adult children have not allowed me into their lives and the oldest daughter has a 2 year old that calls me by my first name, every other family member has a cute grandparent name.
I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of getting a small condo close to my children and spending 2 months here, and go back for 2 weeks. There will be times my husband will travel to see me. But after 7 years I have friends, a job I love and a great life there, with not being there I will miss a lot, and also wonder if a marriage can last under those circumstances. I so wish my kids would move to where I live but they won't.
Any advice for anyone who's been in my shoes???
So emotional torn between Colorado & Alabama
Whether people take responsibility for their actions or not they enjoy or suffer the consequences. You chose not to take responsibility for your first marriage. Then you left your children to pursue another man, apparently for money. Do you really believe that people who have taken their marriages seriously would have sympathy for you? Do you really believe that loving grandparents would feel anything but contempt?
Curmudgeon, I'm sorry about today. I've not had a situation like you or Beatrice, so I can't speak from experience. But I do wish you both peace and for you Beatrice, the wisdom to make the choice that is best for YOU, whatever that may be. Life can be so complicated and there are no easy answers.
OP: I am not and haven't been in your shoes, so my input is what I'd do personally...I'd seek marriage counseling. If a marriage is solid, all this other stuff wouldn't bother you so much. From what you wrote, sounds like there's resentment, from you toward others including husband.
Whether people take responsibility for their actions or not they enjoy or suffer the consequences. You chose not to take responsibility for your first marriage. Then you left your children to pursue another man, apparently for money. Do you really believe that people who have taken their marriages seriously would have sympathy for you? Do you really believe that loving grandparents would feel anything but contempt?
As ye sow so shall ye reap.
How could you know that to be true? Maybe she did take her first marriage seriously; maybe first husband left her...and none of us know why in any event. I don't see how this is at all relevant....
Whether people take responsibility for their actions or not they enjoy or suffer the consequences. You chose not to take responsibility for your first marriage. Then you left your children to pursue another man, apparently for money. Do you really believe that people who have taken their marriages seriously would have sympathy for you? Do you really believe that loving grandparents would feel anything but contempt?
As ye sow so shall ye reap.
Seriously? Why would you even write something like this?
It isn't like she divorced and married again the next day and what about her ex husband's responsibility toward their marriage? It does take two to be married and divorced.
Also, she did not "abandon" her children who were already legally adults and on their own and it does not sound like she went after husband number two for money since she states she does have a job which generallay means she has her own money. She also had a job before she married and moved and supported herself and her children for 18 years before getting married again.
So, do you believe anyone with a reasonable mind and thought process will take you seriously when your reply has absolutely no resemblance to what has been posted by the original poster?
Do you really believe that anyone should feel anything ut contempt for you and your words?
Wait, what? How did you get Beatrice not taking responsibility, she just said she was divorced for 18 years, and no mention of what the cause was at all. Both her 'children' are legal adults.
Beatrice, I'm a little confused. It sounds like you moved to be where your husband is, away from your children. And then you mention there would be times when your husband would travel to see you, and you have friends, job and life 'there.' Do you live together, or is the marriage a long distance one?
At any rate, it sounds like a difficult position. Have you talked to your husband about your concerns, and what was his take? If you can afford it, a condo sounds like a viable option!
Curmudgeon, I usually read a lot and post little, but I was among those stunned at the recent turn of events in your life. I know you're a survivor, but I can't believe the way Life has a way of testing the strong even more.
If I read OP correctly, she is thinking of having a small condo where her daughter is, and spending about two weeks every two months there, and that she is living with husband now (and has friends, job and a good life) and has to travel to visit her mother and daughter and grandchild.
I cannot fathom leaving a good marriage to be near one's grown children. (Disclaimer- I am child free by choice, and very single by circumstance). Especially after years of divorce and presumably single parenthood, to leave one's newer adult company for that of grown children sounds emotionally stunted. Yes, I know I'm not a parent but I thought that adult children are supposed to be emotionally independent, living their own lives (with their own spouses and children, if that's their situation) and the remarried parent of said adults lives their life with their later-in-life spouse.
I have utter sympathy for those whose wives (let's face it- no man does this…) leave them to continue in a role that has come, been embraced and now should be transformed into something new.
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