Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Rather than buying a condo near your adult children, why don't you just do short term rentals periodically? VRBO is great for this. You never know when adult children are going to move, divorce, etc. Your own adult life has been full of "change", and their's probably will be also. Grandchildren also up and move sooner than you think!
I cannot fathom leaving a good marriage to be near one's grown children. (Disclaimer- I am child free by choice, and very single by circumstance). Especially after years of divorce and presumably single parenthood, to leave one's newer adult company for that of grown children sounds emotionally stunted. Yes, I know I'm not a parent but I thought that adult children are supposed to be emotionally independent, living their own lives (with their own spouses and children, if that's their situation) and the remarried parent of said adults lives their life with their later-in-life spouse.
You seem to not have any concept of what 'family' means.
I have 2 grown children, and 6 grandchildren. I see them all frequently, and would be there in an instant, if they needed me. I held each of my grandchildren on the day that they were born. One never 'outgrows' one's family. Never. While they are more on their own now that they've established their own families of long duration, they definitely needed us when their marriages were new, and their children were being born. To be a parent shut out of that process sounds "emotionally stunted". Once a parent, always a parent. It does not just end because the child(ren) reach the age of 18. This is one's family!
To the OP: you should have been old enough and wise enough to know that a long-distance move during your children's young adult transition would leave you on the short end of the deal. How convenient that your new husband is near his kids and new grandkids, while you entertain the prospect of being a new grandparent in absentia. While I am not trying to be as stern with you as others have been, I do think you should have thought all this out before acting. In fact. before getting emotionally involved to the point of no return with a man 1200 miles away. I pray that you both will make the best decisions for both families.
You need to be where YOU are happy. Why would you want to give up the life you love for your adult children? Let them take care of themselves and throw them advice...not your credit card.
Best of luck. After five years of friendship and two years after a divorce I asked out a friend. She'd also been divorced for 18 years. We married 18+ years ago and in that time moved from northern California to the Ozarks of SW Missouri, a region she'd spent about 10 years in earlier and always wanted to return to. We've been here for six years. Despite some medical issues on both our parts I though we were happy.
Silly me! Just a half hour ago I watched our car disappear around a bend in the road with her and one of her daughters whom we'd flow out here from CA in it. She's returning to where her "real" family is. It's where she an de I met and married but the tugs of children and grands was too much for her even though I made sure she went back for visits.
You have a difficult choice to make, Beatrice. I hope you make the right one.
I am very sorry to read about this change in your life, Curmudgeon.
That is a shocker, to me.
It's not only can it last - but, if it should, what irreparable damage is done to the relationship when you remove yourself from it.
I think you've answered your own question. You have friends, job you love, and a great life.
Remembering back, as close as I was to my family, I can say, for sure, you are a whole lot more focused on your kids/grands, than they are (or will be) on you.
They have their life, you have yours. With the exception of your husband's children not accepting you completely - a very common situation - on balance you will be risking a lot for, imo, a disappointing return.
jmo.
It is not uncommon for a spouse frequently "left behind" to find solace in "other" relationships, if you know what I mean (and who doesn't). Seems like that kind of arrangement would be inviting it. Seven years isn't all that long to completely solidify a relationship with frequent absences...the seven-year itch?
Curmudgeon, I am so sorry. What a shock that must have been. At our age we tend to think that things are finally settled and that sort of this is in the past. Best of luck--and I mean it.
To the OP--go back and visit. Just rent a place for a few weeks. You can't have it both ways. It's hard to be away from your family but for a lot of us there's no choice.
I think a lot of the issue where the Original Poster currently lives is the non acceptance of the Husband's family and they will not allow her to be part of his grand children's life either.
Mr. CSD has grown children who have children, those children have two grandmothers I just happen to be married to their Grandfather and those children call me Papa Mr. CSD's CSD and I told them that was just fine.
The difference being I am allowed to be involved in their lives even though it isn't often because we live about a6 hour drive from them.
If the adult children of the husband would accept the original poster as part of the family I think things would be much different within her marriage.
It also appears though that the husband does nothing to help gain her acceptance by her children and I wonder if he has even tries by attending family functions with her whether the children agree or not. It does not appear from what has been written so far that the husband does anything.
I don't even know what to say--it is a sad place to be.
I can certainly understand how you must feel with your husband having such easy access to his kids.
My sons did not have a Grandmother who was vested in their lives. I have friends that are Grandmothers and are so proud to be around their grandchildren. It is a win-win situation for grandparents and grandchildren to have a good relationship.
I think a good start would your condo idea, set up two week visits or the like. See how you feel and go from there. I think it is a nice thing to be involved in your children's lives. Doesn't matter whether they are adults or not.
Keep us posted.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
