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I'm sorry; I must not have made myself clear. He has Not been diagnosed with Asperger's. My daughter, his mother, was speaking casually with a friend who has a Master's in Psychology. She described my grandson and the lady said he could have Asperger's syndrome. Any interaction with either the boy or his sister will be quite sparse with them being teenagers steeped in schooling, parties, dances, shopping trips, visits to their dad's house and being with their current love interest.
How did you, as the adult, ensure that you build a lasting relationship with your grandchildren when they were younger?
Teenagers are *supposed* to be more interested in building independent lives and taking steps to create autonomy that will allow them to fly from the next in their next few years. Trying to build a relationship with them at this stage is probably too late if you have not already invested time to bond in the past 18 years.
I am not the type of grandmother who will attempt conversation with a kid who is so rejecting and standoffish. In fact, I get a certain feeling of satisfaction when I'm over there kidding with his sister and ignoring him. Trust me: he doesn't care.
Wow. How immature of you. I would avoid having to be anywhere near you if I were him. No wonder he only tolerates you from a distance.
So your daughter is just mysteriously and randomly resentful about how you talk about her kids? For no reason at all?
She has nothing to be resentful about. There is nothing truly negative to say about her kids! I just don't know them well. They grew into teenagers in another state. I wouldn't dare say anything bad about them; she'd hit the roof. What she resents is my husband , my ex husband and I all discuss my other grandson quite a bit. He has major problems, a history of drug abuse, a terrible childhood and I took him from her in court several times. But the times he wanted to return to her for a couple months and then our moving away to this place for nine years certainly did him in. He has really had a hard life and two weeks ago he moved into our home and signed up for junior college and I was thrilled to death. Two terrible weeks for my husband and I. He has major anger and jealousy issues involving his entire family and talks like he truly hates his mother. Now he has begun to tell family members lies about me that have shocked and hurt me.
What she resents is my husband , my ex husband and I all discuss my other grandson quite a bit. He has major problems, a history of drug abuse, a terrible childhood and I took him from her in court several times.
So ... this is a different grandson, with the same mother???
Maybe he's just shy or maybe he just isn't that close to you so feels uncomfortable around you. And it's not unusual for kids that age to be socially awkward. I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that he's autistic. But if he WERE autistic, would you punish him for not being affectionate? Or love him anyway because he can't help it? What is that quote? "The children who need love the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways."
I would treat him the same as I treat my granddaughter, whether he responds or not. I wouldn't label him autistic. I would give him gifts, whether he thanked me or not. I would drop trying to analyze what is "wrong" with him and just love him the same as you do his sister, whether he responds or not. He has a different personality than hers. And I wouldn't burden my daughter by commenting on his behavior, either.
You have to decide if part of his behavior towards you comes from your behavior towards him. Do you try to initiate conversations? You cannot expect an older teen to be warm and friendly if you have not been warm and friendly to them while they are growing up.
As far as resenting giving him money, just stop giving him any. Just get a card, or don't.
But, unless you've tried to engage him....the fault is mutual.
That was a good answer. I do enjoy the others! But I can't just give him a small gift when I want to give a great gift to his sister. My daughter would be very resentful of me if I pulled that trick. And I am positive he has a Bible collection already.
His mother, my daughter, has quite a conundrum: either she has to say "he's autistic, mom" or "he doesn't like you." And because I am involved in this problem of hers I think it causes her to resent me somewhat. It would tear her up if she ever had to pronounce him autistic. Or rude. But as I see it he has to be one or the other.
It sounds to me, and I could be wrong, that perhaps your daughter, has said something about you in front of him and he hasn't forgotten it?
My Grandson is autistic and reacts the way you described. He always tries to sit way away from everyone. He doesn't participate in conversations, but he is listening. He is smart and can have a interesting conversation when he feels comfortable with the people around him.
He loves going to church and actually communicates well with people there. Your Grandson is different so accept it move on and find ways you can get closer to him. Ask both your grandson and girlfriend out to dinner. When giving him the 100.00 write a note letting him know you love him. Its rare for my Grandson to say he loves me, but I know he does. Someone commented he doesn't say I love you back, when you say I love you. Its not logical to him to say something like I love you, he has said it that should be enough. I have come to understand him and love him for who he is not what I want him to be.
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