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IMHO both extremes are unhealthy (parents micromanaging every aspect of their kid's life, OR parents subsuming their own lives in the service of their kid's.) Like Aristotle supposedly said, "Moderation in all things."
My parents only had grade school educations and so the only onus they put onto me was that I must get a high school diploma. As far as grades, they were proud that I always got A's in English, were fine with the fact that I got B's in science and history, and basically accepted the fact that I was lucky to be able to squeak by with a charitable passing grade of 65 in math. There was never any suggestion of tutoring or such, because as long as I didn't fail anything, and graduated, it was fine. I was horribly bullied in high school and so had zero desire for college, nor did my parents push it although I'm sure if I had wanted to go they would have taken out a second mortgage or something. They could never have afforded it otherwise; my dad was always a couple months behind on the mortgage payment.
My ex's parents were different: MIL had been an RN, and FIL was a former Marine turned (later failed) stock broker and then became a semi-big-shot in the FAA. So there was no question their both their sons would go to college. Ex-husband also went to law school and went to work work for a big firm (small fish in big pond) in NYC. Whole family was very impressed by money and status, in-laws early-retired and had a boat, snowbirded to Florida every winter, etc etc. So ex-husband was equally obsessed with money/status/etc since he'd grown up in that mindset from his parents.
Most are, but not all. Grandparents didn't grow up with car seats and didn't use them on their own children, and there have been tales here of some grandparents bucking new safety requirements because "we didn't need those and we turned out fine."
Food concerns are probably the most common.
It's pretty easy to tell when a poster has a legitimate complaint about careless grandparents and when she's being a diva new mom.
Having babies seems to bring most family dysfunction into the spotlight.
Not true. My kids all used car seats, such as they were. I made sure to get the safest, latest ones ones for infants. Standards for older kids were different, it is true.
Hello, registered on the forum today, but have been reading threads in Parenting and Grandparents for a while. I've been most impressed with the quality of the advice given. Also impressed with the high sensitivity to the possibility of one-sided presentations of situations or conflicts by contributors.
We baby boomers were the parents of GenX and millennials.
We invented helicopter parenting.
We lavished praise and promoted self-esteem.
Most of us had our kids later than earlier generations and we were indulgent parents.
Friends to our children.
One of the hallmarks of boomers is the enthusiastic pursuit of all that interested us whatever it might be: traveling, music, sports, our careers, raising our children.
Now we are grandparents and it's our children's turn to raise their children.
In Parenting forums here and elsewhere a recurring theme is, well, resentment seems too strong a word so let me say high awareness on the part of our children when grandparents don't obey the rules and routines parents have set for the grandchildren.
It's amazing sometimes how quickly young parents will threaten to cut off contact altogether with the grandchildren if their parents don't come to heel.
The parents seem angry and the grandparents seem hurt and mystified.
I was very close to my maternal grandparents, I don't ever remember my mother giving directions to my grandparents on our diet, tv shows, bedtime, activities, etc. while we stayed with them.
Before she passed I asked my mother if she gave her mother instructions for us kids when we visited. She said she wouldn't have dreamed of it. We were in grandma's care, indulgence was expected and that was fine. That was Grandma's house.
Not so it seems today. The concept of their children enjoying relaxing fun and a break from routine with their grandparents seems to be viewed with suspicion and disapproval from today's parents toward their own parents and in-laws.
I saw a comment that actually said she expects her parents to obey her rules about car seats for the children.
Car seats are governed by law in most states not by parental expectations, certainly most grandparents are responsible and capable of abiding by the law when it comes to the safety of their grandchildren without a reminder from their daughter.
Many of these comments come across as rigid and humorless coming from today's parents toward their own parents.
I'm absolutely all for routine and regularity for children, it's necessary for their well-being.
And while fun visits with grandparents aren't necessary, they certainly add to the quality of life for a child.
But then I wonder, in our enthusiasm are we boomer grandparents coming off as overbearing? The old bull in the china shop busting in and wrecking everything.
That seems to be a major complaint amongst our children with children of their own.
Or are expectations for children different now and we're just not getting it?
While there were always worries, most of us had fun raising our children and would like to have fun with our grandchildren too.
I am an older Boomer, and DH was born in 1942. Our grands are young and the apples of my eye.
I follow whatever rules parents lay out. Thankfully, they do not lay out too many. I think they feel that grandparents are good for kids, and they want their kids to have the things that make their lives happy, and grandparents are part of that package.
We also baby sit from time to time. We also pick the kids up from school once a week during the school year. Doing this has really helped us get to know the kids. They are great kids!
We use the car seats we are supposed to use.
We do indulge the kids a bit. And if they ask for an addition to a cell phone game, and the price is not over $4.99, we say "yes." We buy them treats after school, and they can choose where we go, and have whatever they like. Parents are OK with this.
We get them what they want for birthdays and Christmas. But we don't flood them with presents.
Sometimes we say "no" to them too
We aren't as rigid on their bedtimes when we have them overnight. But if we were to have them on a school night, we would enforce bedtime. I have made sure that the oldest do some homework he had due before.
I am so thankful that my kids have turned out well, that I happily cooperate with my adult child who is a parent. I would never think of going against anything they prohibit or are against. This includes not using the word stupid in front of them, because apparently that word is now verboten.
One of the reasons I raised the question was comments in several forums from GenX/Millennial (GX/M) parents, usually mother's, to the effect that they are perfectly fine with cutting off relations with their own parents/in-laws if the parents don't follow the GX/M parents "rules" to the letter.
These comments often sound cold as ice emotionally to an slightly scary degree.
Really, would you keep your children from their grandparents over rules?
We don't own our children, we're their caretakers to love and nurture for 18-20 years. They have a right to know their extended family members (excluding criminals of course). Their parents do not have a right to isolate their children from family.
I just wonder where these GX/M parents are coming from toward their own parents.
Rather than blaming them though, I thought maybe it's the Boomer Grandparents wanting to be too involved.
My mother felt grateful when her mother watched us kids.
Now young parents act like they're doing US the favor by allowing us to be able to spend time with the grandchildren. No gratitude but lots of irritation.
^^I don’t think this is happening on a macro level. On a micro level, amongst my gen x peers, the only ones who seem to have this dynamic either grew up in an abusive household... or have a situation where the well-intentioned grandparents are habitually undermining the parents.
The only thing I've noticed that is too much to me is the constant presence of grandparents at school activities. Sometimes both sets.
Grandparents literally never came to stuff except graduation when I was a kid 40 years ago, but now grandparents are at any and every little thing. They are like surrogate parents now, mostly invited by the parents, of course.
Our elementary school had to instill a policy that parents and grandparents had to say goodbye at the front door of the school because they were traipsing down the hallways and taking up space in the classroom, hanging out too long looking at all the kid's recent projects, etc.
I appreciate involvement, but being ever-present is too much.
Oh yes, this is a huge issue! A friend of mine had an absurd experience with her young child. The teacher had put up a sign up for parents to come to school to read to the class. There weren't even enough time slots for every child (although granted, not every parent will be able to come to school during the work day) but one family took I think 5 slots, because it was mom, dad, and then several grandparents - with steps in there, I suppose there could even be 6 or 8 grandparents for some kids. But beyond rude in any case, to think that they were entitled to take all those slots and leave many kids not able to have even one of their parents come in to read. My friend complained and the teacher ended up adding more slots, because she didn't think she could deal with telling Mr and Mrs Entitled that they needed to give up some.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I haven't seen helicoptering among the Boomers, much. I thought it was Gen X, that went in for that more. Most Boomers I know don't have grandkids yet, anyway. Their kids are Millennials, and haven't started to have kids yet. A lot of Boomers had kids relatively late in life, I guess. Boomers were also the first generation to feel the freedom to choose to not have kids, too. I know several child-free Boomers, and Boomer couples.
I'm not actually a grandparent, I'm borderline Boomer/Gen X, and because I had kid late in life, I'm still parenting a teen. But many of my peers are becoming grandparents, seems like every time I turn around, someone I know from HS is announcing the birth of a grandchild, or at least the pregnancy of their child. So it's very surprising to me me to hear that "most boomers don't have grandkids yet" since that's not at all my experience. The older boomers I know have grandkids that are in HS!
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
I follow whatever rules parents lay out. Thankfully, they do not lay out too many. I think they feel that grandparents are good for kids, and they want their kids to have the things that make their lives happy, and grandparents are part of that package.
This has been the approach I've had with my own parents. My mom in particular has always been extremely respectful of any boundaries I've had, and has always said that I'm the parent and it's my choice. My dad (now deceased) pushed the boundaries a bit but mostly not in ways that I couldn't live with, except for once when I had to threaten to change the amount of contact he had because he wanted to be able to spank my son and that was a complete non-starter for me. But we all got past that. And yes, I see a grandparent's role as including the ability to spoil a bit, as long as they don't go overboard.
Not true. My kids all used car seats, such as they were. I made sure to get the safest, latest ones ones for infants. Standards for older kids were different, it is true.
I don't know when Colorado first passed a car seat law, but we used a car seat with our first, b. 1984.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I haven't seen helicoptering among the Boomers, much. I thought it was Gen X, that went in for that more. Most Boomers I know don't have grandkids yet, anyway. Their kids are Millennials, and haven't started to have kids yet. A lot of Boomers had kids relatively late in life, I guess. Boomers were also the first generation to feel the freedom to choose to not have kids, too. I know several child-free Boomers, and Boomer couples.
Many of the Boomers I know have grands. Lots of people become grands in their 60s, a few in their 50s. I also know some child-free Boomer couples. Some were child-free by choice, others by chance.
My son was born in 1973 and had a car seat. You had to be about 6 months old and able to sit up. 4 years later when I had my second they were determined to be very unsafe being they sat up high and despite being strapped in it turned kids into torpedos when in a accident. We threw it away. The second one resembled a modern one with the baby reclining.
Appreciate the GX/M feedback and viewpoint on this.
Also wondering how much divorce influences attitudes toward parents by adult children.
Lots of Boomers are in second and sometimes third marriages.
That can weaken parent/child bonds. New spouses and children from first marriages often don't mix well.
Maybe divorce is the unspoken problem in some of these tense GX/M relationships with their Boomer parents.
Resentment.
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