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This is a very selfish reason to get married in my opinion. As a married man with kids, if I was ever incapacitated, I would NEVER burden my family with being a caregiver. Even if I was alone, it is possible to have a plan in place that will to meet your needs as you mentioned, so why insist one should marry? If someone chooses to grow old alone, they should be free to do so without others commenting because at the end of the day, it really isnt any of there business. Marriage should be about love rather than having a hidden agenda.
It sounds to me the suggestion is, if you're married a POSSIBLE benefit of that relationship is to have someone to help out in your time of need.
It sounds to me the suggestion is, if you're married a POSSIBLE benefit of that relationship is to have someone to help out in your time of need.
Though that is a possible benefit if/when that time comes, it is not something that should be a deciding factor on whether of not to get married. Seemed like less of a suggestion and more of a good luck if you grow old alone type of post to me. Though we should plan for our future to some degree, no one knows what it will hold and I think the important thing is to just be happy for today. Happiness is also different for everyone so what makes one person happy may not make the next.
This is a very selfish reason to get married in my opinion. As a married man with kids, if I was ever incapacitated, I would NEVER burden my family with being a caregiver. Even if I was alone, it is possible to have a plan in place that will to meet your needs as you mentioned, so why insist one should marry? If someone chooses to grow old alone, they should be free to do so without others commenting because at the end of the day, it really isnt any of there business. Marriage should be about love rather than having a hidden agenda.
Marriage is about more than just love. If it is to last, it must also include a sense of duty, which is lacking in our hype individualistic culture, leading to many of the problems we are experiencing today, especially as it pertains to loneliness. I agree people should have individual choice in the matter; however, they should also bare the consequences of those choices alone. Too often in our society people look to the group for support or "to be saved" from the consequences of their bad decisions. There is going to be a group that saved up enough resources to die alone without society help. Then there is going to be a large group that will surely need assistance. The latter group is likely to be much larger considering the workings of our economic model. This makes it our business.
Though that is a possible benefit if/when that time comes, it is not something that should be a deciding factor on whether of not to get married. Seemed like less of a suggestion and more of a good luck if you grow old alone type of post to me. Though we should plan for our future to some degree, no one knows what it will hold and I think the important thing is to just be happy for today. Happiness is also different for everyone so what makes one person happy may not make the next.
I did not see that in the post you're referring too. I think you reading 'into' it... I didn't see that suggestion at all.
The facts speak for themselves. People get old and need help. It's nothing to do with luck, it's part and parcel of life and the benefits of marriage/relationships. We all need to remember relationships are reciprocal... that is not to suggest they are 50-50.
Happiness has nothing to do with it, but a sound relationship(s) give us a feeling of contentment and security. A cord of two strands is strong and two can help themselves better than one... like having two arms, two eyes, two ears, two legs, etc.
Marriage is about more than just love. If it is to last, it must also include a sense of duty, which is lacking in our hype individualistic culture, leading to many of the problems we are experiencing today, especially as it pertains to loneliness. I agree people should have individual choice in the matter; however, they should also bare the consequences of those choices alone. Too often in our society people look to the group for support or "to be saved" from the consequences of their bad decisions. There is going to be a group that saved up enough resources to die alone without society help. Then there is going to be a large group that will surely need assistance. The latter group is likely to be much larger considering the workings of our economic model. This makes it our business.
It can be more than just love, but you need that foundation before anything else and I disagree that anyone should have a sense of duty to one another. The consequences you speak are based on ones opinion of what loneliness is and therefore should not be a blanket statement. For instance, my father in law cant function without his wife being around, whereas I look forward to when my wife travels because I love being alone.
On one hand, you agree that people should have an individual choice and should be aware of the consequences, but on the other hand, you feel a large portion of those people will need some sort of public assistance in the future and therefore will impact the economic model which in turn makes it your business. You cant promote choice if you want to get involved in their choices.
I did not see that in the post you're referring too. I think you reading 'into' it... I didn't see that suggestion at all.
The facts speak for themselves. People get old and need help. It's nothing to do with luck, it's part and parcel of life and the benefits of marriage/relationships. We all need to remember relationships are reciprocal... that is not to suggest they are 50-50.
Happiness has nothing to do with it, but a sound relationship(s) give us a feeling of contentment and security. A cord of two strands is strong and two can help themselves better than one... like having two arms, two eyes, two ears, two legs, etc.
That is how I interpreted it, but I could be wrong. My unpopular opinion though is that I would never burden my family as being a caregiver; thats my problem, not theirs. I would prefer they move on with their lives and let me deal with my incapacitation how I choose.
I think happiness has everything to do with it. Ive been married 18 years and though I dont have a bad marriage, could easily walk away from it because as I grow older, I just want to be alone and not have to deal with anyone else. My wife told me I will be old, alone and grumpy... and for some odd reason that sounds appealing, lol.
Marriage USED to be a very practical matter indeed. People chose or were paired with those with whom they were thought to be compatible and made a commitment to the institution of marriage itself. It wasn't based on infatuation, sexual attraction, or other changeable factors. People also had children for very practical reasons: to help out on the farm, etc. and, yes, to be of practical help to their parents and to one another. I don't know that this was any more "selfish" than having them as an ego-boost to be extensions of themself or "mini-me's" as so many seem to today, judging by social media. At any rate, marriages seemed to last longer!
That is how I interpreted it, but I could be wrong. My unpopular opinion though is that I would never burden my family as being a caregiver; thats my problem, not theirs. I would prefer they move on with their lives and let me deal with my incapacitation how I choose.
I think happiness has everything to do with it. Ive been married 18 years and though I dont have a bad marriage, could easily walk away from it because as I grow older, I just want to be alone and not have to deal with anyone else. My wife told me I will be old, alone and grumpy... and for some odd reason that sounds appealing, lol.
Yes... You are wrong. imagine all the special needs children that need a caregiver. Those children are gifts, not burdens. If you are loved, then the sacrifice of time and energy comes naturally. Think of it like this... not everyone says "do not resuscitate" and then...some people just want to die.
Being alone and being lonely is different. If you're a curmudgeon, then find a place you can be alone and get your batteries charged. However you can't project your curmudgeon-ness on the rest of us and think that's normal, because it ain't. Maybe for you, but generally speaking, not it is not.
So when you read someone else's words, do not read it with bitchie old man glasses.
Yes... You are wrong. imagine all the special needs children that need a caregiver. Those children are gifts, not burdens. If you are loved, then the sacrifice of time and energy comes naturally. Think of it like this... not everyone says "do not resuscitate" and then...some people just want to die.
Being alone and being lonely is different. If you're a curmudgeon, then find a place you can be alone and get your batteries charged. However you can't project your curmudgeon-ness on the rest of us and think that's normal, because it ain't. Maybe for you, but generally speaking, not it is not.
So when you read someone else's words, do not read it with bitchie old man glasses.
"Only 70% of people have some form of incapacitation during their lives. Hey, it's only 70%. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky 30%.", was not read with "bitchie old man glasses", but rather my interpretation as to the point of the post.
Regardless, I 100% agree that special needs children need a caregiver and as a parent, I would be a caregiver to them indefinitely without question. We arent talking about children though, we are talking about a spouse as a potential caregiver if needed and that is much different in my opinion. My mother was a caregiver for her mom and though she said she was happy to have been able to spend that time with her, she wouldnt wish that role upon anyone as it not only took a toll on her mentally, but also physically, and financially. I dont want to burden my family with that as I dont think its fair.
Now I may be getting grumpier as I age but I am not grumpy yet. My outlook on life has greatly changed over the last few years and it is a 180 degree difference from where I was 20 years ago. 20 years ago, I wanted to find that person to grow old with ..... fast forward to today, I want no part of growing old and hope to check out before even getting to that point. My wife jokes about it at the dinner table occasionally, but at least this way she will still have some time to find someone else, lol. Sorry, I just try not to take life to seriously. Im not trying to come off as an a**, just my perception of reality.
Fast forward a few years, when your health is failing. Think of your "support group" when you have a physical (or mental) incapacitation. If they're not "family" they can't make legal decisions for you, unless they're directed in your Trust. . Doctors won't even be allowed to discuss your condition/prognosis. (HIPAA.)
Not to worry about this, as only 70% of people have some form of incapacitation during their lives. Hey, it's only 70%. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky 30%.
There's a problem though, when we discuss this as a matter of a spouse caring for a spouse. First of all, a practical human being absolutely can draft documents (not necessarily a Trust, but a Durable Power of Attorney mainly) that will permit an unrelated person to care for them. And even when people ARE married, they should still do this. You don't know for sure that you as a couple won't get into a terrible accident that kills one and leaves the other incapacitated. It's a smart piece of planning that all responsible adults should consider.
At this point in time I have zero confidence in the abilities of either of my kids to care for me if I needed care. As things stand now, I intend to plan out my own elder care using professional services and senior living arrangements, that I have chosen and that are ready to simply kick in when needed, all funding already set up and set aside for it.
Just getting married and assuming that's all you need to do, is stupid. But a lot of people refuse to even think about their own deaths or possible incapacity, as though if you're just delusional enough and pretend hard enough that it isn't possible, then it won't happen. Nonsense.
But I'm not sure if you are aware...married women who are diagnosed with serious incapacitating and/or terminal illnesses are often coached on the possibility that their husbands may leave them. Because it's a thing that happens, especially when a couple is young-ish. And when two people grow old together, it's rare for a husband to be a caregiver for his wife. My grandfather expected grandma to cook and clean and wait on him hand and foot when she was dying of cancer. There are instances of men taking care of wives...my father in law cared for his wife through four years of dementia until she passed...but when we hear about those, it's like "wow...epic love story, there's a man who went above and beyond in adoration of his wife...wow, wow..." But if it's a woman caring for anyone? Well, sorry her life is hard, but it's kinda just what is assumed and expected of her. No one is singing her praises for it.
I think that is a huge part of why a lot of women are choosing not to marry and have kids. We are sick to death of it just being taken for granted that we will give and give and give and get nothing back. And that we ought to find happiness and fulfillment in total self sacrifice. Especially those of us who were used as caregivers to other people ("adultified") when we were children ourselves.
I mean...I kind of include myself in that mindset, even though I had one marriage where I had two sons, and am now married to a much older man who will need my care when he is old. But I'm pretty resentful that my sons take for granted that I will support them forever and they don't really need to get or hold jobs or be bothered putting effort into their own lives. I'm resentful towards my first husband for doing everything he could to push, manipulate, coerce, and threaten me into becoming a wife and mother after I told him several times in plain language that I did not want to be either of those things. I do not resent my present husband. He has earned my care of him, and he appreciates me. And he's got the resources to hire help if needed, when the time comes, and...what's kind of messed up...I feel I have to hold my choice to care for him up like a shield to keep my parents from making claims of me. I have no intention to seriously participate in their elder care. They barely cared for me when I was a child, I do not feel an obligation there.
Thing is, when you don't feel like there is anyone you could count on or trust to care for you, other people assuming you will care for them can really come off feeling like they're just using you.
And the women I know who focused on their careers...they did not reach old age all bitter and dissatisfied with their lives. They had the money to travel, to support the arts, to engage in philanthropy. And they are remembered more as distinct individuals, than the mothers in the family who were faceless breeder-caretakers, and no one remembers anything but their basic vital statistics. When I read with interest about the women in the family history, I am intrigued by those who wrote their political thoughts, by this one who ran a resort and that one who had a radio show. About the ones who were simply wives/mothers, I know almost nothing. And don't much care. It isn't much of a legacy, really, in terms of being remembered or forgotten for more than a couple of generations. Like great, she had a working womb, and knew which end of a pan to put the food in on the stove. So?
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