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You've accomplished quite a lot in the short time since your husband left the earth.
Yes, you are very fortunate to have had such a great love! It must be really hard to have to have let that go, but do you try to talk to him? I think talking to a departed loved one can be very helpful and healing.
Oh yes, I talk with him every single day, throughout the day in fact, and I believe he hears me and sometimes responds in various ways.
I don't know if grief fades. And I don't think of mourning as languishing, but perhaps it is in a way. I think of mourning as sort of existing, not living. I guess these types of feeling are different for each person and change as time goes on.
I believe that grief becomes less sharp and less devastating over time, but I don't know that it fades either - it CHANGES in my opinion. I also don't think of mourning as languishing, I mean unless a person is actually languishing, which is this:
1a: to be or become feeble, weak, or enervated
Plants languish in the drought.
b: to be or live in a state of depression or decreasing vitality
languished in prison for ten years
2a: to become dispirited
b: to suffer neglect
the bill languished in the Senate for eight months
3: to assume an expression of grief or emotion appealing for sympathy
languished at him through screwed-up eyes
— Edith Wharton
I mean, I believe we often go through these steps of grief but that doesn't mean we're in a state of "languishing" which to me implies a choice to stay or become feeble, weak, depressed, etc. I feel like those feelings are normal but transitory.
I have talked before about how I don't LIKE "feeling sad," because it is not "me." I am not typically wired together that way and though it does wash over me sometimes, I don't believe I am languishing. I believe I am grieving but working through it if that makes sense. To me, "languishing" implies staying in a perpetual state which weakens a person over time.
I don't know if grief fades. And I don't think of mourning as languishing, but perhaps it is in a way. I think of mourning as sort of existing, not living. I guess these types of feeling are different for each person and change as time goes on.
I think grief can fade depending on the loss. The grief from losing a spouse can fade and has for me almost 11 years after his death. Losing a child, well I imagine that grief never goes away.
I believe that grief becomes less sharp and less devastating over time, but I don't know that it fades either - it CHANGES in my opinion. I also don't think of mourning as languishing, I mean unless a person is actually languishing, which is this:
I mean, I believe we often go through these steps of grief but that doesn't mean we're in a state of "languishing" which to me implies a choice to stay or become feeble, weak, depressed, etc. I feel like those feelings are normal but transitory.
I have talked before about how I don't LIKE "feeling sad," because it is not "me." I am not typically wired together that way and though it does wash over me sometimes, I don't believe I am languishing. I believe I am grieving but working through it if that makes sense. To me, "languishing" implies staying in a perpetual state which weakens a person over time.
I think when we’re in it, it’s a place that where we need to be. I think it’s a state that we need to go through to heal. I’ve come to the conclusion that my grief therapist who was really bad and fired me did me a favor. And I have friends who are still pushing me back into therapy. I don’t think I need it. I think I’m healing. I think it’s appropriate that two years out almost, I still feel sad. I am doing what I need to do, I am taking care of myself, I am eating right, I am sleeping. Let me be sad when I need to be sad.
And that’s the thing when you’re going through this sometimes it seems like people are looking at their watches and saying TickTock times a wasting aren’t you over this yet?
To them I say bite me this isn’t your life, let me live my own life. I came to this realization when I was listening to Mayim Bialik’s podcast called “breakdown”.
Specifically the one with Wil Wheaton, where she talks about the different types of depression, and specifically grief. Starting at 12:57. It’s a tiny segment in a long show.
For those who wonder why anyone would listen to an actress talk about science and mental health, the interesting thing about Mayim is that she actually has her PhD in neurobiology. So if you saw her on The Big Bang Theory, she actually knew what she was talking about when she was doing it on there.
I think when we’re in it, it’s a place that where we need to be. I think it’s a state that we need to go through to heal. I’ve come to the conclusion that my grief therapist who was really bad and fired me did me a favor. And I have friends who are still pushing me back into therapy. I don’t think I need it. I think I’m healing. I think it’s appropriate that two years out almost, I still feel sad. I am doing what I need to do, I am taking care of myself, I am eating right, I am sleeping. Let me be sad when I need to be sad.
And that’s the thing when you’re going through this sometimes it seems like people are looking at their watches and saying TickTock times a wasting aren’t you over this yet?
To them I say bite me this isn’t your life, let me live my own life. I came to this realization when I was listening to Mayim Bialik’s podcast called “breakdown”.
Specifically the one with Wil Wheaton, where she talks about the different types of depression, and specifically grief. Starting at 12:57. It’s a tiny segment in a long show.
For those who wonder why anyone would listen to an actress talk about science and mental health, the interesting thing about Mayim is that she actually has her PhD in neurobiology. So if you saw her on The Big Bang Theory, she actually knew what she was talking about when she was doing it on there.
I agree - as long as you're not doing unhealthy things like over drinking or drugs or not sleeping for months or whatever, I think when you feel sad, allow yourself the space to feel sad. That's what I do. You know, I was also very close to my dad and when he died I was absolutely devastated and overwhelmed with responsibilities because my mom was so delicate. I had another brother who had pancreatic cancer and another one who is mentally ill so it all fell on me. I decided that if I felt like screaming or sitting on the floor rocking back and forth, I would just do it, so I did. And here's what I found out - I would do that sort of thing but after about five minutes I'd be like "Ugh, this sucks. OK, I'm done," and I'd be done. And I felt so much better!
So I am a big believer in allowing ourselves to feel and experience grief and all it's myriad of emotions.
And that’s the thing when you’re going through this sometimes it seems like people are looking at their watches and saying TickTock times a wasting aren’t you over this yet?
Funny, somebody wrote a note a couple weeks ago that is sitting right in front of my monitor right now, 2+ years into the tragedy that I am trying to recover from, to motivate myself.
It says "Tick Tock"
I wrote it to myself!
I think grief can fade depending on the loss. The grief from losing a spouse can fade and has for me almost 11 years after his death. Losing a child, well I imagine that grief never goes away.
Decades later my sister still doesn't want me to mention her late son. Geoff. He was an endearing toddler and a handsome boy.
Funny, somebody wrote a note a couple weeks ago that is sitting right in front of my monitor right now, 2+ years into the tragedy that I am trying to recover from, to motivate myself.
It says "Tick Tock"
I wrote it to myself!
Yes, but you wrote it to yourself.
I time manage. It’s like an organizational thing. I do better with things that way. But darn it it’s my time, and nobody else gets to manage it for me. Like, when my niece announced her engagement and came up with a wedding date, and I had to get her to pick a quilt, upsize it, cut out all the pieces and make it, get it to the quilters and then bind it. There was a calendar involved. And a lot of phone calls.
This whole Covid thing blew my calendar out of the water, and then I got it in that blew that calendar even more out of the water.
I think grief can fade depending on the loss. The grief from losing a spouse can fade and has for me almost 11 years after his death. Losing a child, well I imagine that grief never goes away.
Decades later my sister still doesn't want me to mention her late son. Geoff. He was an endearing toddler and a handsome boy.
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Solly says — Be nice!
