Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I threw myself into work, stayed busy. Doing anything else, making plans of any kind... seemed a huge burden that I just didn't want to deal with. I did that for about a year and a half. My cousin also lost someone at the same time, she and I talked and we both had much the same feelings about things, we just didn't have the energy or desire to do anything beyond what a regular day was for us. Didn't make vacation plans, didn't plan anything with friends, etc. If I was included in some social event I would go if the wife prodded me, but I didn't initiate anything on my end.
Languishing is a good word for it... neither moving forward or back, just staying in the same place. To me, I could rationalize that and it made perfect sense to me... The world moves on. Your friends move on, your kids move on, your job... none of it stays static. But a large part of me didn't want to move on, I wanted things to remain the same, even if I couldn't turn back time, I did want time to stop. I wanted people to remember what happened as keenly as I did, and to continue to remember. But life and everyone in it keeps moving, and when you finally reach a level where you start to want to move forward again, it seems very foreign.
To me, I have forgotten absolutely everything I did in the year, year and a half immediately after my loss. I simply have no recollection of it at all. All of that was time just going through the motions.
I threw myself into work, stayed busy. Doing anything else, making plans of any kind... seemed a huge burden that I just didn't want to deal with. I did that for about a year and a half. My cousin also lost someone at the same time, she and I talked and we both had much the same feelings about things, we just didn't have the energy or desire to do anything beyond what a regular day was for us. Didn't make vacation plans, didn't plan anything with friends, etc. If I was included in some social event I would go if the wife prodded me, but I didn't initiate anything on my end.
Languishing is a good word for it... neither moving forward or back, just staying in the same place. To me, I could rationalize that and it made perfect sense to me... The world moves on. Your friends move on, your kids move on, your job... none of it stays static. But a large part of me didn't want to move on, I wanted things to remain the same, even if I couldn't turn back time, I did want time to stop. I wanted people to remember what happened as keenly as I did, and to continue to remember. But life and everyone in it keeps moving, and when you finally reach a level where you start to want to move forward again, it seems very foreign.
To me, I have forgotten absolutely everything I did in the year, year and a half immediately after my loss. I simply have no recollection of it at all. All of that was time just going through the motions.
I found this very interesting because a few months ago, I realized that my husband will stay perpetually a young 62 in my eyes and in my heart. He had a head full of hair and really chiseled features and did not look or act 62. Now, there was a five year age difference between us - but one day I will be "older" than my memories of him, if I'm lucky. You know why - because time passes by.
I was driving through "our" town the other day and realized with a start that a house had been built since he died, on a main road. Also, due to the pandemic, several businesses have closed - but others have opened up.
His darling (favorite but I won't admit to it to them) granddaughter turned 15 yesterday and is tall and slim and looks like a young woman. The last time he saw her, she hadn't hit her growth spurt yet.
You know what else - funny you mentioned that you don't recall anything you did for a year and a half. It hasn't been that long for me, but I don't remember a thing I did for weeks after he died. I mean, I had conversations with people, planned a memorial service/funeral, went shopping for clothes because I lost so much weight I had to buy new clothes, all that good stuff - but I don't remember much of it at all. I don't even really remember the holidays well. It's like a fog lifted after the holidays though and I do remember more after that point. But dang.
To this day, I will find some article of clothing hanging in my closet and I'll be like "Wow, I don't even remember buying this."
My daughter told my best friend, "Mom's not right. She acts right, she smiles and talks and says what she thinks needs to be said, but it's all on the surface. Right below the surface, she's not right at all."
Shortly after the funeral, I had the prerequisite fender bender in my car. I mean, I got sick (check), and then had the fender bender (check) - going about 3 miles per hour through our dang security gate!
I remember about a month after he died, I had to go out of state to pick up my granddaughter's truck for her to drive here. We flew there but drove it back. It was sort of like I stumbled through New Orleans rather than walked through New Orleans. It seemed like I was in a fog. I had been to New Orleans so many times with my husband that it didn't seem real that he wasn't with me now. It was like he was just around the corner, or in the hotel room or whatever. But he wasn't. I was there without him. It was so surreal.
My social media accounts are chock full of "memories" of various vacations and fancy restaurants, etc. this week because it would be our wedding anniversary and we always did something special. I think that particular day is probably going to be hard. Lately I've found myself wanting to just jump in the car and go on a road trip somewhere, anywhere. I know it's because we generally would go on some sort of vacation in May. But when I actually think about what I want to do or where I want to go, I just come up short, because I know it sounds overly dramatic but I just can't imagine enjoying myself on vacation somewhere without my husband.
That's weird because I have always thought I wanted to go on a solitary vacation and just wander on the beach or through museums or flea markets or whatever, but now that I have the opportunity to do it, I can't get excited about it. I just want my husband back.
I've been languishing since my cat, Taffee, died on April 3rd due to lymphoma and kidney issues. While a cat is not a person, to me she was everything and my whole world. I just loved her so much and really miss her - her sweet and lovable personality, her ever present companionship, the shared routines. Every moment spent with her was a joy. I always felt happy and never lonely when we were together.
My energy levels have now severely diminished, and it feels like everything is blah. I can barely stand working and just want to do nothing. Maybe I'll get fired. But, at least not constantly crying anymore. Today I put down a deposit for a kitten, a seal point ragdoll, which could take many months to be born and be ready to come home. That is fine as I need to time to heal from the loss of my dear and much loved Taffee.
I've been languishing since my cat, Taffee, died on April 3rd due to lymphoma and kidney issues. While a cat is not a person, to me she was everything and my whole world. I just loved her so much and really miss her - her sweet and lovable personality, her ever present companionship, the shared routines. Every moment spent with her was a joy. I always felt happy and never lonely when we were together.
My energy levels have now severely diminished, and it feels like everything is blah. I can barely stand working and just want to do nothing. Maybe I'll get fired. But, at least not constantly crying anymore. Today I put down a deposit for a kitten, a seal point ragdoll, which could take many months to be born and be ready to come home. That is fine as I need to time to heal from the loss of my dear and much loved Taffee.
Congrats on the kitten. I have a hunch that you will fall in love with that sweet baby.
I have my days of languish, days of sadness, days of anguish. I also have days where I laugh and smile a lot and feel some semblance of normal (whatever THAT is).
I have allowed my grief to be likes waves that come and go and I flow with it. If I didn't, I think I would make myself crazy.
I have my days of languish, days of sadness, days of anguish. I also have days where I laugh and smile a lot and feel some semblance of normal (whatever THAT is).
I have allowed my grief to be likes waves that come and go and I flow with it. If I didn't, I think I would make myself crazy.
I think you are doing things right. I decided early on to allow myself to feel whatever feelings came my way - to listen to my grief so to speak, to let it wash over me or through me if that makes sense, to explore and honor every feeling.
I think you are doing things right. I decided early on to allow myself to feel whatever feelings came my way - to listen to my grief so to speak, to let it wash over me or through me if that makes sense, to explore and honor every feeling.
Exactly! There will good and bad moments, hours, days.... as we all know. No grief police allowed!
Exactly! There will good and bad moments, hours, days.... as we all know. No grief police allowed!
Hugs to you, KA.
And hugs back to you - we've been through it, haven't we? And are still going through it. And I guess we will always be going through it.
I have a cousin whose fiance died suddenly and at work and wasn't found for several hours, and then because they weren't married, his family - in a state of shock - didn't even think to tell her for several hours after that, so even though she knew something was horribly wrong, she didn't know for sure for about 12 hours. This was probably twenty years ago and she still is impacted by the shock of all of it to this day. I think of you often when I think of her. She called me not that long ago just to talk and wish me well. It was very touching.
Years and years, but I have nothing planned for that day. It's still a thing.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
