Maybe not just mourning, but languishing

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by Gerania

Years and years, but I have nothing planned for that day. It's still a thing.

I am with you. I believe that August 26 will always be significant to me, along with a few other dates. But this was the day my whole world changed along with my husband's. We never saw it coming. Now I see it coming on the horizon forever.

I think I am going to be OK with it - I mean, I don't think it will devastate me. But I am keeping it open and not planning anything. If I do anything at all, it will be just driving around, probably by myself. It's a Thursday this year so bleh anyway.

I was very surprised at how negatively the holidays affected me and I'm trying to keep in close touch with my feelings which is something that doesn't come naturally to me being a very logical vs emotional person. So I really don't know how it's going to affect me but I'll just roll with it and acknowledge it without judgment.

[Lillie767]

One of the problems experienced when a long-term and deeply loved partner dies, is trying to redefine your life. So much of your life has been devoted to ensuring someone else's well being, that when that person is taken from you, you have to redefine who you are and what you will do.

Whilst anniversaries are difficult days, every evening is a challenge when you turn to say good night, and you only have an 8x10 picture there.

When you are trying to decide where to hang a picture and there is no one to ask if it looks good. Who will hold the picture against the wall while you back away to look at it?

When you changing the sheets on the bed and you have to walk around the bed several times because you are doing it alone.

When you are folding the king size sheets and there is no one to hold the other side and your arms are not long enough.

When you are watching the umpteenth repeat watching of "Frasier" and there is no one with whom to laugh.

When there is no one to steady the ladder when you put the boxes of your winter clothes away and take out your summer clothes.

When you are deciding what to make for dinner and you realize that no one else cares what you make. You are the only person who is going to eat it.

When you realize that you are not the center of anyone's world any more. When you realize you are not the most important person to anyone any more.

All of these moments are sad and humbling.

[ebbe]

Lillie- that is so sad and so very true.

[SunGrins]

Looking back almost 14 years, grief scares me now more than when I was in it. I can picture myself now from a distance. Deep grief changes brain chemistry and pathological grief can be fatal. Seek professional help if you need it.

It is important not to force things or do something because someone else decides it is time. But, once you know it is time to face the new reality and life as a survivor and not as a grief stricken or angry widow/er, then embrace it with purpose and perseverance. It might not be year one or year two or any other timeline. It is the survivor's decision to make. It took me 18 months to begin the transition and another four years to get resettled. I still experience loss and a bad day occasionally. Languishing or mulling might seem like an improvement but think of it as a rest stop on the way forward.

[Loriact]

I miss my groovy groom. When he unexpectedly passed away at the age of 60 in February, we had just signed a contract selling our house in Connecticut. I finished packing while dealing with his estate and our taxes.

Last week, I arrived at our new house in Arizona after first driving to South Carolina to see my brother and sister. Here I am unpacking boxes, some of which contain his things that were already packed before he died.

I was so busy before that I barely grieved. Now, it hits me at least a couple of times a day that he’s really not here. I wouldn’t say I’m languishing, but it is getting harder to motivate myself to get the packing paper and boxes ready for recycling and finish sorting through things. I feel sadder now than I did a month ago. I’m an organized, logical, and optimistic person, and I think that’s ultimately what’s going to get me through this. I refuse to languish.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by Loriact

I miss my groovy groom. When he unexpectedly passed away at the age of 60 in February, we had just signed a contract selling our house in Connecticut. I finished packing while dealing with his estate and our taxes.

Last week, I arrived at our new house in Arizona after first driving to South Carolina to see my brother and sister. Here I am unpacking boxes, some of which contain his things that were already packed before he died.

I was so busy before that I barely grieved. Now, it hits me at least a couple of times a day that he’s really not here. I wouldn’t say I’m languishing, but it is getting harder to motivate myself to get the packing paper and boxes ready for recycling and finish sorting through things. I feel sadder now than I did a month ago. I’m an organized, logical, and optimistic person, and I think that’s ultimately what’s going to get me through this. I refuse to languish.

This really hits home. I just moved to "my" first house - just mine, not ours. It's been 9 months since my darling husband unexpectedly died, leaving me with a house that was way too big, had a pool, hot tub, all that good stuff that I had to unload At least it's a great real estate market and I surprisingly got a great deal on the house I bought since I bought it from a friend and it was never on the market.

Anyway, much of what you wrote really resonates with me. i just want you to know that I DID get the chance to grieve, and I did so (and still do so, in different ways - more on that later). He died in August and I just sold my house and moved a few weeks ago.

But like you, right after my husband died, I did a lot of traveling cross country for various reasons. I traveled first from NE Texas to SW Florida and drove back through New Orleans and along the coast. Then I traveled to Austin (6 hour drive) and then to Ohio. This was all by Christmas. Oh and in between all that I shattered my elbow and had an elbow replacement. Good times.

Then in March I decided to buy my friend's house. So I bought it in April, and put my own house on the market as well - thankfully it sold immediately. So here I am today, settled into my new house.

My point is that I've been going to grief counseling and my grief counselor told me recently "PLEASE - DO NOTHING FOR AWHILE." (Other than go on a solo vacation, which I've booked.) So, all this frenetic activity, which was all necessary but still...it's all behind me now and here I am in a new place. On my own.

Listen, packing up and leaving my old life - OUR life - was very difficult emotionally. I kept finding things of course that reminded me of us, of our life together. And since he died, I've been having anxiety - because it's all on me, every responsibility. So I wake up at 3 am thinking the most stupid things, like "Oh my gosh, I have to change the AC filter!" or "Where is my book of instructions in case I die?" or "Who do I need to send a change of address to?" You notice that none of this needs to happen at 3 am.

Like you, I am also organized, logical and optimistic and I do believe this is what has been getting me through all this.

But my point is that even under the best of conditions, moving is stressful and it's very common to feel "down" after it's all done and we're supposedly settled. Throw in some grief on top of that and wow. Not sure if you feel this way but I do - I didn't move for happy reasons. "We" didn't find "our" dream house together and decide to move. I moved for different reasons and I downsized. I got rid of much of "his" stuff, because he is never coming back and I will never use it, and frankly I don't want to run into reminders of him constantly. I feel GRATITUDE for finding a good deal and being able to move and the house is nice and all that - but I didn't move for particularly happy reasons.

I have a good friend who is very emotional and NOT logical. She is also not very organized or optimistic. She is very empathetic and has a completely different set of strengths and weaknesses than I have. We are truly opposites. Anyway, her husband died, expectedly, after a long illness, exactly one week after my husband died unexpectedly. Her journey has been completely different from mine in many ways. Frankly, considering my personality, I prefer mine of course - I mean, since I have to take this journey. I feel like I'm in a healthier, more balanced place than she is and I wouldn't want to be her, that's for sure. But she says she wouldn't want my journey so there's that.

She still feels like "his wife." She still fantasizes about him coming home. She hasn't cleaned out his closet or clothes. She has photos of him everywhere. She can't imagine taking off her wedding rings.

I'm not saying she's wrong and I'm right. I'm just saying that the way her grief manifests is different from mine. After a few months, I didn't want his things around because I didn't WANT to feel like he was coming home any minute - he wasn't, he never will come home again. I didn't WANT his photos everywhere (I do have some in my closet where I get dressed though). I decided to buy myself a replacement ring so to speak and took off my wedding rings and they're with his wedding band now, locked away. When I've gotten them out, they look like the past, not the present. I think that's progress actually.

I sold his tools and miscellaneous items, including his boat, the hot tub, the trailer, etc. I gave a lot of his stuff to charity. When I moved, I only put things that I wanted where I wanted them. I filed an extension on the taxes but I'll get them done this summer. I've had to close down our business, coordinate giving his truck to his son, settle the estate, do PT to recover from my elbow injury, move, etc. It's been exhausting but now it is all very nearly done.

I've been going to grief counseling since right after he died. I knew I needed some guidance. I also knew I was suffering from PTSD and needed some professional help which I've gotten. My counselor has told me repeatedly that I'm doing really well and I do believe her. But it's been the hardest work I've ever done, mostly because I've had to train myself to FOCUS on how I am feeling, to honor each emotion as I process through it. I am not used to that. I personally find unpleasant emotions to be messy and inconvenient. However, I've realized something profound - they don't last as long as I imagined they would. For instance, say I get hit with a crying jag. After a couple of minutes, it's out of my system and I don't feel like crying anymore, so I stop - and I actually feel better than I did before I cried.

I said ALL THAT to lead up to this point - I believe your "delayed reaction" of sadness is normal. And healthy in fact. You know what I recommend? I recommend giving yourself the grace to do things at a different pace than usual. I recommend just relaxing and allowing yourself to grieve, or not to grieve, whatever. If you have a room or a place to put boxes, just do that - just do one at a time and if it makes you too sad, stop for awhile. Allow yourself space and time and give yourself permission to grieve. You know what is very helpful to me? When I feel overwhelmed, I just take a breather, literally. I sit in a chair and focus on my breathing - long slow breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. I close my eyes and focus on relaxing. I do this in a rocking chair, and I rock myself and cross my arms and pat myself while hugging myself, on either arm (hope that makes sense). I pat my opposite arm with my opposite hand as I cross my arms hugging myself, and I pat my arms very slowly and sort of hard - not hard enough to hurt but not super gently. Firmly and slowly, as I rock slowly.

This also works if I wake up at night at 3 am. Sorry, I mean WHEN I wake up at night at 3 am because I do that every night. But now instead of balling up like I used to do, I lay spread eagle on the bed and focus on my breathing and relaxing, while thinking, and sometimes saying out loud, "I'm safe. I'm safe." Then I cross my arms and do the patting and breathing thing, and I only have to do it for a few minutes and I'm back to sleep. Sometimes I go to sleep even before I can start the patting thing! I roll over on my side but now I'm not balled up and I make sure my palms are relaxed and open instead of closed and fisted like they used to be. For some reason that really helps.

All this is just my two cents' worth but since we sound so similar, I thought it might help, some or all of it, whatever.

[Gerania]

I didn't want to start a new thread that I would have to visit and post to.

Tomorrow is the day. It's still a thing.

[Tallysmom]

Originally Posted by Gerania

I didn't want to start a new thread that I would have to visit and post to.

Tomorrow is the day. It's still a thing.

Perfectly okay.

I did that for years after my father died. We celebrated our birthdays together, so his birthday was traumatic. I’d start getting sad late June/early July and by his birthday there was no talking to me.

The day after I’d wake up right as rain. It didn’t stop until a friend I worked with embezzled money from the bank we worked for and when caught, she went home and committed suicide. It was about the time the great sadness was to start, and it snapped me out of it.

[mlj1225]

Originally Posted by SunGrins

Looking back almost 14 years, grief scares me now more than when I was in it. I can picture myself now from a distance. Deep grief changes brain chemistry and pathological grief can be fatal. Seek professional help if you need it.

It is important not to force things or do something because someone else decides it is time. But, once you know it is time to face the new reality and life as a survivor and not as a grief stricken or angry widow/er, then embrace it with purpose and perseverance. It might not be year one or year two or any other timeline. It is the survivor's decision to make. It took me 18 months to begin the transition and another four years to get resettled. I still experience loss and a bad day occasionally. Languishing or mulling might seem like an improvement but think of it as a rest stop on the way forward.

This resonates. Given the amount of turmoil, stress, trauma, and grief I have dealt with over the last 3 years makes me realize that I need counselling/therapy. Looking into it.

[Gerania]

Originally Posted by Tallysmom

Perfectly okay.

I did that for years after my father died. We celebrated our birthdays together, so his birthday was traumatic. I’d start getting sad late June/early July and by his birthday there was no talking to me.

The day after I’d wake up right as rain. It didn’t stop until a friend I worked with embezzled money from the bank we worked for and when caught, she went home and committed suicide. It was about the time the great sadness was to start, and it snapped me out of it.

That's it. For years I started to feel unwell about 6 weeks out and would get sick about 2 weeks before. It literally took me at least a few years to figure that out.