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Seventy five percent of women in general become widows. And guess what the median age is? 59. I was 58. Nearly there.
We better learn how to do things by ourselves. Only 2 percent of widows and 16 percent of widowers remarry. And even though a lot more widowers than widows remarry, for various reasons, that still means that 84 percent of widowers never remarry. That is surprising to me. It's also very surprising to me to read that only 2 percent of widows remarry. But then, when I read the reasons for them not remarrying they make sense. The #1 reason is "I don't want to give up my independence." The third reason (I can't remember the second reason) is "I don't find older men attractive." LOL I hate to admit it but I thought that was pretty funny.
I got those figures from the US Census Bureau a few months ago. Too lazy to look it back up again.
I am sure there are lots of men out there (and women too) who would like to show their partner how to do things but their partner is not interested in finding out.
At the moment, in my life there are people who like to play helpless little girl too, which is a game of course. But...sometimes men like to be the one who can do things that girlies pretend they can't/dont want to do. Everyone learns if they have to because thats how we know how to do it now.
Long-term marriages naturally end up with a division of duties. My husband didn't appreciate me entering into his domain which was almost everything to do with everyday living. Supporting us and the management of our portfolio of assets was my domain.
I started the thread because I am so frustrated that everyday living is so much work. I don't even know what I don't know. Hell, I have managed to mess up the washing machine.
But no, I never thought I was helpless. What is the saying? We learn more from our mistakes. Well, oh my gosh, I am going to be the smartest person in the world. I make stupid mistakes every single day.
The small engine repair tech called today to tell me that the latest repair that I brought to him was smoking because I put the wrong fuel in it. Sigh! But now, I know everything that you want to know about 50:1 versus 40:1 fuel ratios. Ya know, they didn't cover any of that in all the videos I watched.
I appreciate all the poster's responses. Many recommend hiring the services to cover the yard, car, and house maintenace.
But but but...
I don't even know what I am supposed to get. One poster mentioned that the HVAC needs to be serviced regularly. I never had central a/c, that wasn't even on my list.
Some of it turns out to be ridiculously easy. I got a notice that I was delinquent in pressure-washing the side-walk in front of my house. All it involves, is standing and pointing the pressure washer. Seeing as I brought some of my husband's equipment w/ me. It doesn't make sense for me to pay to have that done. But I have no idea what is easy and what my husband only made to look easy. So I am figuring it out.
Not knowing how to do any of this, makes me feel even more out-of-control of a life that has been turned upside down. Becoming more self-reliant is important to me right now.
I appreciate all the poster's responses. Many recommend hiring the services to cover the yard, car, and house maintenace.
But but but...
I don't even know what I am supposed to get. One poster mentioned that the HVAC needs to be serviced regularly. I never had central a/c, that wasn't even on my list.
Some of it turns out to be ridiculously easy. I got a notice that I was delinquent in pressure-washing the side-walk in front of my house. All it involves, is standing and pointing the pressure washer. Seeing as I brought some of my husband's equipment w/ me. It doesn't make sense for me to pay to have that done. But I have no idea what is easy and what my husband only made to look easy. So I am figuring it out.
Not knowing how to do any of this, makes me feel even more out-of-control of a life that has been turned upside down. Becoming more self-reliant is important to me right now.
Some jobs you will find out, are ones you will want to hire out. Others you will decide are ones you can comfortably take over. And sometimes you can hire someone to do it the first time and you can learn from that person going forward and do it yourself.
If you have a good local hardware store, sometimes they can be a big help if something breaks and you have trouble fixing it.
Some jobs you will find out, are ones you will want to hire out. Others you will decide are ones you can comfortably take over. And sometimes you can hire someone to do it the first time and you can learn from that person going forward and do it yourself.
If you have a good local hardware store, sometimes they can be a big help if something breaks and you have trouble fixing it.
Bingo.
Also, this is a good jumping off point for regular household maintenance. On this list, in my case, and probably everyone's, some things don't apply but most do. For instance, I don't have a septic system anymore, thank God, so I can disregard the septic system stuff. And I don't have to change my AC filters every month because I got a new AC with new types of filters that only need to be changed once a year or so, and it's on a maintenance plan (that I pay for). I don't have to do any sort of chimney sweep stuff because I only have a gas fireplace, not a woodburning fireplace. I have a different sort of hot water heater so I don't need to drain the sediment. But I do need to wrap them if we get a severe cold snap like we had last year. And did you know that you can hire someone to clean your windows and it's very inexpensive? I had no idea! I will never clean a window again! And they were here for only about an hour. A team and the right tools makes all the difference!
I've never vacuumed my fridge coils in my life. I pay for lawn maintenance. I need to clean my kitchen hood and exhaust fan - I think I can figure that out. I just paid someone to come out and inspect my roof and fix any wood rot or siding (there wasn't much rot, thank goodness) and to paint the exterior so that's good. I did clean the dryer vent myself - it wasn't hard. I just inspected and cleaned and did all that good stuff with all my ceiling fans. I don't have any propane tanks. My grill is clean. I don't store my outdoor furniture. I do cover it and will do so in the winter. I do cover my faucets in the winter time, and turn off my sprinkler system. My gutters have covers on them, and I just paid the house painters to clean them as well - they weren't too bad because I don't have a lot of leaves falling in my yard near my gutters. https://www.freehomerepairs.org/news...hoCueQQAvD_BwE
My big thing is the car. Thankfully I have a pretty new SUV, and when we bought it we prepaid for service for three years and I get reminders. Some vehicles, like mine, only need an oil change every 10,000 miles. Some need it every 5000 miles (but they will tell you 3000 - it's 5000 generally). When I take it in, they check everything basically. You can get your tires rotated - and get reminders for this - from where you buy tires, usually, and this is usually free.
I would recommend going to a good hardware store and a good vehicle maintenance place and telling someone sympathetic your situation. They will typically gladly help! Also, google is a great place to get advice. I know last winter when we had that deep freeze and I was responsible for a pool and the equipment, I googled it and was able to winterize my home appropriately all by my little ol' self, including the pool.
I divorced a few years ago (we lived together "separated" for a year) so by the time I moved into my own home, I had a new boyfriend and when the summer rolled around, he mowed my lawn etc. I turned 50 this year and he has a foot injury so I have learned to mow for the very first time in my life!!!!!
My ex-husband did take care of a lot of DIY stuff - and all the car stuff. I'm on a regular schedule now with my maintanances at the car dealership so if there's an issue - I just bring my car into them as they have the history (2010 Toyota Prius with 183k miles!).
It's been a challenge and also liberating at the same time.
Merry, I agree with Teacher Terry. Go easy on yourself. You’re not only new to household maintenance, you’re in the first throes of grief.
Think of it this way, he had a very long time to get very good at what he did. Just like you did with the money aspect in your family. It’ll take you some time to get used to doing those things.
One thing I can suggest is a small notebook just for house things. All you need to do is write down when you have something serviced. You might want to keep the receipts so you know what was done. That way when you’re thinking how long has it been since I did this, you’ll actually have a record. I actually put that in my calendar, so all I have to do is refer back to my calendars. And I just keep a pocket type calendar so it’s not a big thing to keep multiple years.
Some jobs you will find out, are ones you will want to hire out. Others you will decide are ones you can comfortably take over. And sometimes you can hire someone to do it the first time and you can learn from that person going forward and do it yourself.
That is true. I finally decided I need to hire a cleaning service (but how?) because I can't keep up with some basic stuff. I don't even see things until they are so obvious that they suddenly appear. Then it takes all day to figure out how to make a dent in it and the next day I don't want to have anything to do with it. The cycle starts all over again. I hired cleaners to do a full house cleaning job a couple years ago at $500, which I thought was too much -- but now, I can see the benefit of having somebody who knows what they are doing come in every couple weeks -- divide the chores a little. I will start to see things I don't see now.
I manage the outdoors okay but hire the big jobs. I don't climb up ladders anymore. I hire someone for big painting jobs. I have someone work on the goldfish pond when it needs it -- I'm not wading into it.
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Solly says — Be nice!
