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That's interesting you don't wear your wedding band anymore, Kathryn. At my father's retirement facility (the one he used to live in) there were many widows and widowers and they all still wore their wedding bands and rings. Your choice, of course.
So glad you're doing ok. Death anniversaries are tough. I still think about my boyfriend who died in a car accident 50 years ago this coming October. Not a whole lot, but I do mark the date in my mind. The same with my mother's date of death earlier in the year. I recall that it took about 5 years to feel normal again after my boyfriend's death. I didn't get married until 9 years after his death.
That's interesting you don't wear your wedding band anymore, Kathryn. At my father's retirement facility (the one he used to live in) there were many widows and widowers and they all still wore their wedding bands and rings. Your choice, of course.
So glad you're doing ok. Death anniversaries are tough. I still think about my boyfriend who died in a car accident 50 years ago this coming October. Not a whole lot, but I do mark the date in my mind. The same with my mother's date of death earlier in the year. I recall that it took about 5 years to feel normal again after my boyfriend's death. I didn't get married until 9 years after his death.
You know why I don't wear my wedding band anymore? Because I am not married anymore. "Till death do us part" and all that good stuff. That beautiful man is never coming home to me on this earth. He is never walking through that door again. I have worked hard to accept that and to move forward instead of being stuck.
When my husband had been dead four or five months, I just looked at my wedding band one day and thought "I am done wearing this." To me, it made me sad and wistful. It felt like I was hanging on to the past and my identity was tied to him, which was simply not how I felt. For instance, I never felt like I lost "my better half." I am not half a person, I am a whole person. I miss him terribly - TERRIBLY - and I would love to have him come back but I have been alive on this earth for two years while he's been gone, and a lot has changed in two years. We have a different president, a different economy, we've lived through a pandemic, which has been difficult, etc. He would be surprised at what has stood, and at what has fallen.
Many widows and widowers that I know no longer wear their wedding bands, for the record. I think either way is fine but not for me - for me, it made me sad to wear mine. So I don't wear it anymore.
I also hate the term "widow." I am a whole person. I am not defined by my loss or by my marriage. I am a single woman, and I am at peace with being a single woman. I'm not looking for anyone to complete me. I have also found out that there's a huge difference between being alone vs being lonely. I am alone but I am not lonely. In fact, I'm sitting here right now, after a huge day at work (lots and lots of walking and interaction with customers), and then dinner with a girl friend, and I am sipping a glass of wine with my feet kicked up. In a bit I will go into my living room and I'll snuggle with my two kittens with my old dog at my feet, and I will watch whatever I want to watch streaming. I am not with other humans (finally - LOL), and I'm OK with that - in fact, I enjoy it. Tomorrow morning I will go to church, then out to eat lunch with a friend, then I'll come home and do laundry and my hair and all that good stuff. Monday I will go to the gym, then to a Stretch Zone appointment and then to get my teeth cleaned. Oh and pick up my dog from the vet where he had some surgery. Tuesday I have a light day, which I will need. Wednesday, I go to the gym first, then I volunteer at a soup kitchen and then I am going to give platelets. Thursday through Saturday I work all day and have plans every evening. Then it all starts back up again! So no, I am not bored or lonely. And I am not married either. And I've just had to accept that, so I have.
That's a great attitude! I think if I were married and lost my husband I wouldn't wear my ring after a while either. But I can't say for sure. Most of the people I mentioned are well into their 80's and 90's, from a different generation. My dad still wears his because he wants to be reminded of his wife. I'm glad he isn't adversely affected by the ring. I think he puts his former wife up on a bit too much of a pedestal, but that's his right. I have a feeling your husband was less alpha and narcissistic as my dad's wife was, as nice as she could be generally speaking. It worked/works for my dad and wasn't/isn't my business.
I made it through and now I am over the two year mark. That's hard to believe actually. I miss my late husband very, very much.
However, life goes on and my life goes on, and things are interesting to me. After church today I went to lunch with friends, and I saw someone I am interested in knowing better, and he said he was going to call me and invite me to have breakfast with he and some friends next weekend and that just sounds great to me. But you know what - if he doesn't call me, that's fine too! I am so serious about that. It's such a relief to be content without anyone new. But I might like to hang out with this person and his friends some time. I am pretty skittish about relationships but a friendship I could do. Oh well, either way is fine by me. I like his approach though - it's very non threatening and cool. If we remain just friends, I like that idea just fine - maybe even better than the alternative to be honest! LOL
Two years ago this was my darling husband's last week on this earth. I am SO GRATEFUL that we did so many things he loved doing, in spite of COVID concerns. Still...Friday marks the 2nd anniversary of the absolutely worst day of my life and the last day of his life. I am glad neither of us knew what was coming but still...it's surprisingly sad for me this year. I mean, I expected to be sad last year and honestly, every anniversary, but this year it seems like I've been focusing more on what we were doing leading up to that day. Like, all day yesterday I thought about what we were doing (we took the boat out and then went to eat at one of his favorite restaurants so I am SO GLAD we had that time together!). Today I realize this is the second anniversary of our last full day together. I don't really remember much of what we did other than laundry and him packing for his trip out of town. Pretty sure we got in the pool together though. He left two years ago tomorrow in the morning and that was the last time I saw him alive. He looked and acted absolutely great. I will be home alone tomorrow in the morning. I expect to be sadder than normal but who knows? I will never forget watching his truck drive away - of course I had no idea that it was the last time I'd see that but still...thank God for the memories. They hurt but I do have them and I appreciate them.
I work all day Friday, which will probably be good, and then I am going out with some friends, which will also probably be good. Last year, oddly enough, it was the night BEFORE he died that was rougher than any other time. Hope it's not going to be more of the same this year. Last year all I did all night long was toss and turn and think to myself "A year ago right now, he was alive - a year ago at this time, we spoke on the phone for the last time..." It was terrible. But I didn't expect to be so pensive now either.
One thing I've learned over the past few years is to embrace how I feel, explore it, lean into it, learn from it when possible. So that's what I'm doing.
Rough week over here though.
Big hugs Kathryn. As I told you in my last rep, I was thinking of you. I couldn't post in your thread which was locked.
My FIL has an anniversary too which is how I always know when your hub passed when I see you posting. I can't even imagine what hell you've been through since losing him.
Mine just turned 65 so who knows how long he has. His dad passed early 70's, mother almost 85, both died of cancer which my hub has had too. All of his siblings are still living, he's oldest boy. Think 2nd kid of 8 lol
I still relive my dad's death so I'm sure I know how my hubs will go.
Big hugs Kathryn. As I told you in my last rep, I was thinking of you. I couldn't post in your thread which was locked.
My FIL has an anniversary too which is how I always know when your hub passed when I see you posting. I can't even imagine what hell you've been through since losing him.
Mine just turned 65 so who knows how long he has. His dad passed early 70's, mother almost 85, both died of cancer which my hub has had too. All of his siblings are still living, he's oldest boy. Think 2nd kid of 8 lol
I still relive my dad's death so I'm sure I know how my hubs will go.
I tell you what - the last two years have been THE HARDEST years of my life, hands down. Hands down. And I turned 60 this year, so UGH. I mean, I don't care about 60 but my point is that I'm older, not younger, and it's just harder than hard. Hardest years ever. Emotionally AND physically, because I moved, and because I broke the heck out of my dominant arm elbow and had to have surgery on top of everything else.
It's been a long, hard time but things are looking up - or maybe I'm just getting used to living without him, living completely alone. Like I've said, there's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely, and I am definitely not lonely. However, I do wonder how much longer I will be in great health overall.
My grandmother was still climbing up on ladders to change light bulbs when she was in her 80s! So there's no telling really. I do plan on moving to be near my daughter by the time I am 65 though.
I tell you what - the last two years have been THE HARDEST years of my life, hands down. Hands down. And I turned 60 this year, so UGH. I mean, I don't care about 60 but my point is that I'm older, not younger, and it's just harder than hard. Hardest years ever. Emotionally AND physically, because I moved, and because I broke the heck out of my dominant arm elbow and had to have surgery on top of everything else.
It's been a long, hard time but things are looking up - or maybe I'm just getting used to living without him, living completely alone. Like I've said, there's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely, and I am definitely not lonely. However, I do wonder how much longer I will be in great health overall.
My grandmother was still climbing up on ladders to change light bulbs when she was in her 80s! So there's no telling really. I do plan on moving to be near my daughter by the time I am 65 though.
I was just saying something similar. I remember my mother moving furniture around in the house in her 70s. I still feel pretty good despite the hardship of the past year, but at 64 I am definitely noticing that it takes longer to bounce back.
We were FINALLY able to move the BF up to his real home, a house on a lake, for a long weekend. We had not been there since November because I could no longer care for him alone. I got a hospital bed delivered to be put in the living room so that he would be able to see the lake, but the brush had grown so high along the shoreline that you could barely see anything.
So I grabbed the loppers and went outside and went to work hacking down these tall whatevers that grow out there, ten and twelve feet high or so, blocking the view. I was exhausted after about an hour, but proud of what I did. I am still feeling the effects of that four days later, lol. But THEN--Oh joy, I went swimming in the lake. I love the water, and this is the first summer in my life that I've gone this long without being in any. Of course then I used muscles I haven't used in more than a year, and it took a few days to recover from that, too.
I always assumed I'd remain strong and healthy into my 70s like Mom, but after watching a perfectly healthy-looking, strong man deteriorate into a helpless, bedridden invalid over a period of a few months, I am far more aware that there are no guarantees. He himself said a few weeks ago, "When I met you, I thought we'd have more time. My father lived to be 84, and I thought I'd at least get that, too."
I was just saying something similar. I remember my mother moving furniture around in the house in her 70s. I still feel pretty good despite the hardship of the past year, but at 64 I am definitely noticing that it takes longer to bounce back.
We were FINALLY able to move the BF up to his real home, a house on a lake, for a long weekend. We had not been there since November because I could no longer care for him alone. I got a hospital bed delivered to be put in the living room so that he would be able to see the lake, but the brush had grown so high along the shoreline that you could barely see anything.
So I grabbed the loppers and went outside and went to work hacking down these tall whatevers that grow out there, ten and twelve feet high or so, blocking the view. I was exhausted after about an hour, but proud of what I did. I am still feeling the effects of that four days later, lol. But THEN--Oh joy, I went swimming in the lake. I love the water, and this is the first summer in my life that I've gone this long without being in any. Of course then I used muscles I haven't used in more than a year, and it took a few days to recover from that, too.
I always assumed I'd remain strong and healthy into my 70s like Mom, but after watching a perfectly healthy-looking, strong man deteriorate into a helpless, bedridden invalid over a period of a few months, I am far more aware that there are no guarantees. He himself said a few weeks ago, "When I met you, I thought we'd have more time. My father lived to be 84, and I thought I'd at least get that, too."
My dad didn't outlive either of his parents, but my mom outlived both of hers, who died young in my opinion.
I can't rep you again but your post is sad. I am so sorry you're going through this.
My dad didn't outlive either of his parents, but my mom outlived both of hers, who died young in my opinion.
I can't rep you again but your post is sad. I am so sorry you're going through this.
It made me sad, too, to hear him say that.
Sometimes we do smile, despite it all. He recently said again how his beloved Ukrainian great-grandma used to admonish him for being too independent as a child, and how he absolutely hates being so dependent on me and others for everything now. I said, "Well, I never wanted to be a nurse. I hated the idea of taking care of someone, and you hated the idea of being taken care of, but here we are." We both laughed a little and then went back to watching TV or whatever.
Life tosses us irony sometimes. My first husband was an alcoholic and I was the typical codependent, taking care of everything for him. One of the things I loved about this man was that he was not needy at all. I swore I would never let myself get in that position again. As a matter of fact, he was in the same place because his late wife was an alcoholic, too, and he had to take care of everything. So, he didn't look to me to take care of him before. In fact, he did most of the cooking, and I would do most of the cleanup afterward, and that worked for us. And now here I am taking care of him, but it is different from caring for an alcoholic.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 08-30-2022 at 02:07 PM..
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