Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes, in the end, we do have to let go, even though every one grieves differently and at a different timeline. That doesn't mean we love the person any less; it is just how it has to be. That doesn't mean we forget them, either. Letting go is a process - it doesn't happen in a day or a month.
Charlie Brown, a famous cartoon character once said, "Most days we don't die, but one day we will." I think one of the terrible things about losing my mother has been the reality that I will die one day, too. It is shocking to believe. I still have my father, but he is getting old. I'm not far from 50. Hard to believe. Time flies.
I've become more spiritual in the past few years to help accept my own mortality. I can tell you - death still scares me like nothing else.
Life will cure you of that as time goes on.
I was terrified of death since I was six years old and my cousin who was the same age died. Used to wake up well into adulthood wondering if today was the day I was going to die.
Then on September 11, 2001, I found myself thinking that I was facing the moment of my death. I didn't die that day, and as time went on and my brain and emotions sorted themselves out, I realized that I no longer had a fear of death. Not that I wouldn't feel fear if I was crossing the tracks and realized the train was bearing down on me or something or if I wouldn't feel anything hearing a terminal diagnosis, but I have this sensation that people in my vicinity that day went through a portal that opened close to me, and I'll go through at another time.
Since then I have experienced a few deaths, a brother, a best friend. Three years ago I found my mother dead in bed and five months ago I was with my fiance as he took his last breath. We die. It's part of the cycle. I am not really afraid of dying. I am afraid of not living before I die.
I was terrified of death since I was six years old and my cousin who was the same age died. Used to wake up well into adulthood wondering if today was the day I was going to die.
Then on September 11, 2001, I found myself thinking that I was facing the moment of my death. I didn't die that day, and as time went on and my brain and emotions sorted themselves out, I realized that I no longer had a fear of death. Not that I wouldn't feel fear if I was crossing the tracks and realized the train was bearing down on me or something or if I wouldn't feel anything hearing a terminal diagnosis, but I have this sensation that people in my vicinity that day went through a portal that opened close to me, and I'll go through at another time.
Since then I have experienced a few deaths, a brother, a best friend. Three years ago I found my mother dead in bed and five months ago I was with my fiance as he took his last breath. We die. It's part of the cycle. I am not really afraid of dying. I am afraid of not living before I die.
Today was the first morning I woke up without feeling profound sadness. It's been 4 months since her death, and 5 months since she was last home. I am very happy about this. You never know - it might return tomorrow (lol). At any rate, I'm still in very early grief, but things are better overall (30-40%). So grateful for this. Don't get me wrong: Although I am not getting the tidal waves of grief coming over me as much, I still have an underlying sadness that is still there, but I am able to go about my day and enjoy many of things that I used to.
I've been grieving my mother ever since she had her stroke 2 years ago, so maybe that it is why my brain is starting to come around a bit. Who knows?
I do hope that others are on here are feeling a bit better. I really do. Grief is a crippling emotion, making you not want to barely live.
We are with you Riaelise. Just remember you are not alone. My heart really breaks for you. I understand your anguish.
FD, you bring a smile to my face in a dark valley. My mom probably had leukemia for over a year. She would complain of being tired. Sometimes she would be out of breath just from taking a shower. We would blame it on her age. The first signs that something was wrong was her low hemoglobins. But there was no obvious reason. We were seeing a PA hematologist. She was very good but obviously not experienced enough to put together all the pieces of the puzzle. The first doctor to express real concern was her gastroenterologist. He was very concerned about her inexplicable weight loss. Anyway, after we exhausted all other tests we finally did a bone marrow biopsy. My mom had been admitted to a hospital for anemia. The hospitalist that reviewed the biopsy could not have been more “indelicate†in how she broke the news to us. She wasn’t 100% but she was pretty sure my mom had cancer. She immediately jumped to life expectancy and treatment options. It was really awful hearing this news from a strange doctor. That doctor was so proud of herself that she was “right†in her diagnosis. Needless to say we never went back to that hospital. Along the journey we met a lot of wonderful and caring health professionals. We also had our share of bad apples - doctors and nurses. We have the worlds #1 rated cancer center here in Houston, but I have to say we had two bad experiences there too. Official diagnosis was in January 2023 and death was in May 2023. January and February were hard. March and April, in contrast, went as well as we could have hoped for. Then everything went wrong in May.
Thank you, that means a lot. Because it's like I feel alone with this pain despite having others around me, other well meaning and loving people. Also I just feel like a burden to them with all of my gloom and doom.
Interesting that you mention your experience with Anderson. One of my torments was not trying to get her into there and instead going with the local hospital/oncology group, but honestly she went from walking and well to bedridden in weeks. I don't think they would have cleared the screening hurdle/insurance in that amount of time. And I'm not sure if that would have bought any more time.
There was an article on CNN the other day showcasing a couple dealing with Stage IV cancer. The takeaway from the article was that if people were allowed access to screening early, many cancers could be detected and people wouldn't be sucker punched like our moms did. The husband has kidney cancer, but that wasn't because he was screened, it was because of symptoms. For many cancers, symptoms means almost end game. People who have reasonable histories should be able to get yearly CT scans. To this day, CT scans and endoscopies can still detect cancers before Stage IV. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE GETTING CANCER DIAGNOSES AT STAGE IV! I bet the root of it is money. The insurance companies don't want to pay. My insurance applied the endoscopy cost to my deductible, and I had to pay $600. the surgical center billed my insurance 14k for the combined colonoscopy/endoscopy. Imagine those who are underinsured, fixed income, or uninsured?
My mom could have had a fighting chance if she was scanned earlier. Even pancreatic cancer has a "lead time" so to speak, probably at least 5-10 years. If she had an endoscopy even 6 months ago, they would've seen that tumor and maybe it could have been eligible surgery. Instead, my poor mom was blindsided and her life changed forever -- from being fit and in perfect health to being dead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
There is definitely some PTSD left from caregiving someone you loved. Intrusive thoughts of them suffering flashing through our heads, unbidden.
I have noticed that those thoughts are beginning to fade, and memories of his healthy days are emerging more frequently. I still have moments. I am staying at his place for a few weeks, and the other day I noticed the book I read to him in the first months when it was just us two and he could still walk a bit with assistance but was starting to have to spend more time in bed.
I saw the book and it all came back. At that point we still had no diagnosis and thought what he had might be treatable, and of course we learned it wasn't. I just cried and cried for a while as I haven't cried in a couple of months. Those waves come less frequently now.
This is encouraging. PTSD is right. It was very traumatic for me. Even though I saw her, my mind overlooked the reality that I was dealing with -- gaunt face, hardly any flesh on her bones, what she was going through -- it's very hard to not remember that. It's like once she died, then EVERYTHING flooded me all at once, like I said, the pent up grief that I chose to put aside and then the grief at the loss.
What pains me is when people just expect me to have made at least some improvement now. No, there really hasn't been any. And that's just how it is.
Thank you, that means a lot. Because it's like I feel alone with this pain despite having others around me, other well meaning and loving people. Also I just feel like a burden to them with all of my gloom and doom.
Interesting that you mention your experience with Anderson. One of my torments was not trying to get her into there and instead going with the local hospital/oncology group, but honestly she went from walking and well to bedridden in weeks. I don't think they would have cleared the screening hurdle/insurance in that amount of time. And I'm not sure if that would have bought any more time.
There was an article on CNN the other day showcasing a couple dealing with Stage IV cancer. The takeaway from the article was that if people were allowed access to screening early, many cancers could be detected and people wouldn't be sucker punched like our moms did. The husband has kidney cancer, but that wasn't because he was screened, it was because of symptoms. For many cancers, symptoms means almost end game. People who have reasonable histories should be able to get yearly CT scans. To this day, CT scans and endoscopies can still detect cancers before Stage IV. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE GETTING CANCER DIAGNOSES AT STAGE IV! I bet the root of it is money. The insurance companies don't want to pay. My insurance applied the endoscopy cost to my deductible, and I had to pay $600. the surgical center billed my insurance 14k for the combined colonoscopy/endoscopy. Imagine those who are underinsured, fixed income, or uninsured?
My mom could have had a fighting chance if she was scanned earlier. Even pancreatic cancer has a "lead time" so to speak, probably at least 5-10 years. If she had an endoscopy even 6 months ago, they would've seen that tumor and maybe it could have been eligible surgery. Instead, my poor mom was blindsided and her life changed forever -- from being fit and in perfect health to being dead.
This is encouraging. PTSD is right. It was very traumatic for me. Even though I saw her, my mind overlooked the reality that I was dealing with -- gaunt face, hardly any flesh on her bones, what she was going through -- it's very hard to not remember that. It's like once she died, then EVERYTHING flooded me all at once, like I said, the pent up grief that I chose to put aside and then the grief at the loss.
What pains me is when people just expect me to have made at least some improvement now. No, there really hasn't been any. And that's just how it is.
There is no timeline for healing from intense grief. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.
Later when I returned home and saw her at her house, she remarked how I seemed to be handling my love's death much better than she was hers. Well, I guess that is what you might think if you never gave the other person a chance to express their feelings or even asked how they were.
Thank you, that means a lot. Because it's like I feel alone with this pain despite having others around me, other well meaning and loving people. Also I just feel like a burden to them with all of my gloom and
What pains me is when people just expect me to have made at least some improvement now. No, there really hasn't been any. And that's just how it is.
Your grief is your grief. You do not need to explain how you feel to anyone. People talk of general timelines, but you are in very early grief. You cannot make yourself feel better anyways. You are profoundly sad. You lost your dear mother, who was your world. You are doing just fine as you are: lost in grief. It is okay to not be okay.
I am sooo grateful for this forum. I received more understanding from strangers here than I did from some members of my family and friends.
Not from any ill intent. It's just that death and grieving makes some people uncomfortable. The only way to not be uncomfortable is to experience the overwhelming discomfort of grief first hand.
I am sooo grateful for this forum. I received more understanding from strangers here than I did from some members of my family and friends.
Not from any ill intent. It's just that death and grieving makes some people uncomfortable. The only way to not be uncomfortable is to experience the overwhelming discomfort of grief first hand.
It is very helpful to me as well. I got zero support from extended family. My father and sister are too grief-stricken to help me at times.
Yes. You have to really feel the feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they are. That is how you begin to heal and accept death as a natural part of life.
People do not like that I talk about death all the time. lol.
I am sooo grateful for this forum. I received more understanding from strangers here than I did from some members of my family and friends.
Not from any ill intent. It's just that death and grieving makes some people uncomfortable. The only way to not be uncomfortable is to experience the overwhelming discomfort of grief first hand.
You nailed it. I never really knew grief until now.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
