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It's like I go back and forth between acknowledging the loss and being in disbelief that she is gone.
Hi riaelise! Nice to hear from you. I love your reading your posts.
What you described above is exactly how I am: sometimes, I am a little at peace with it all, and other times, I am in complete shock and disbelief, like it the death just happened.
I always have an underlying sadness - it's just normal. All I can do is to let time go by.
Hi riaelise! Nice to hear from you. I love your reading your posts.
What you described above is exactly how I am: sometimes, I am a little at peace with it all, and other times, I am in complete shock and disbelief, like it the death just happened.
I always have an underlying sadness - it's just normal. All I can do is to let time go by.
I hope the sun comes out for you in 2024.
Take good care of yourself.
These words are so true. I guess that's the way it is after a certain point in life when we've experienced enough losses.
I've been sorting through old files, papers, etc., in anticipation of someday selling this condo and moving on. I came across a photo from 1960 of my cousin and I sitting on the church steps at our uncle and aunt's wedding. We are two years old. She died in 2019 of lung disease and other ailments. Found cards from my late mom, the envelope with the sympathy cards from when my brother died (18 years in February), a picture of my friend and I and our daughters and the other Girl Scouts from 20 years ago. She died of a brain aneurysm in January, 2020. 55 years old.
And of course, I know in the back of my head that the one-year anniversary of the death of my late-life love is looming.
Some of that shock and disbelief you mentioned came over me and I had to walk away from the sorting project for a while. Reviewing the accumulation of deaths I've experienced was a bit unnerving. All these people who were such a big part of my life--gone, just gone.
I sure am glad I have this board and the grief counseling. I haven't been to grief counseling in over a month due to the holidays, so it has been rough.
It's like I go back and forth between acknowledging the loss and being in disbelief that she is gone.
It's like I would give anything, anything, everything to just get her back one day in my lifetime.
I also miss the family dog. I don't want to forget that our beloved old man Wally passed away of cancer in the same month as my mom. I tell the kids that he's keeping her company in heaven.
Today, one of the partners in my office lost their mom several days ago. It was cancer. She fought it for four years and sadly, lost. During the course of writing words of comfort based on my experience, the emotional floodgate opened and I started to cry.
Crying is just the only way that I can express myself when it comes to her. I've never cried so much in my life. But you guys have given me encouragement...that one day I will be able to remember things with fondness, to talk about her without thinking of the horrible disease that ended her life...to be able to live with loss.
Anyway, again, glad to have y'all around.
Crying is good. It's therapeutic to get it all out. Without going into deep detail, I learned very young how not to cry, because it was frowned upon and I was mocked for always being a crybaby. I did not cry for much of my adult life. Holding it back can be very damaging. Eventually I learned to cry again and I'm glad I did because life has given me a fair share of things to cry about.
These words are so true. I guess that's the way it is after a certain point in life when we've experienced enough losses.
I've been sorting through old files, papers, etc., in anticipation of someday selling this condo and moving on. I came across a photo from 1960 of my cousin and I sitting on the church steps at our uncle and aunt's wedding. We are two years old. She died in 2019 of lung disease and other ailments. Found cards from my late mom, the envelope with the sympathy cards from when my brother died (18 years in February), a picture of my friend and I and our daughters and the other Girl Scouts from 20 years ago. She died of a brain aneurysm in January, 2020. 55 years old.
And of course, I know in the back of my head that the one-year anniversary of the death of my late-life love is looming.
Some of that shock and disbelief you mentioned came over me and I had to walk away from the sorting project for a while. Reviewing the accumulation of deaths I've experienced was a bit unnerving. All these people who were such a big part of my life--gone, just gone.
Thank you for your post.
Yes, it's been almost 9 months for me, and it feels like it "just happened" at times. I just have to let time go by and let myself heal. Grief is a journey - just like life. Sometimes, I am sort of in the driver's seat, and other times, I am completely incapacitated, barely able to keep my head above water.
Isn't that terrible when you get those feelings of shock that come over you? You feel paralyzed.
I hope the sun starts to shine for you in 2024. Always know that you aren't alone.
Yes, it's been almost 9 months for me, and it feels like it "just happened" at times. I just have to let time go by and let myself heal. Grief is a journey - just like life. Sometimes, I am sort of in the driver's seat, and other times, I am completely incapacitated, barely able to keep my head above water.
Isn't that terrible when you get those feelings of shock that come over you? You feel paralyzed.
I hope the sun starts to shine for you in 2024. Always know that you aren't alone.
Take good care of yourself.
And you do the same. I am making plans for a move, to go somewhere new, do something different. Accept that the life I was to have is not to be, and found out what is.
And you do the same. I am making plans for a move, to go somewhere new, do something different. Accept that the life I was to have is not to be, and found out what is.
May the sun shine on all of us here!
Life is full of surprises - some of which are unpleasant.
I always tell myself that my mother's death was truly meant to be. All the signs were there for about 2 years or so. She couldn't get better mentally or emotionally. She could have lived another 10 or 12 years, but what for? She didn't make it to 85-90...oh well....life is not good for most people that age anyways. Honestly, though, my mother never had the mindset for real old age (over 80 or 85). Seriously.
Maybe your life will take you somewhere you never knew possible. You never know. Fantastic things happen, too.
Life is full of surprises - some of which are unpleasant.
I always tell myself that my mother's death was truly meant to be. All the signs were there for about 2 years or so. She couldn't get better mentally or emotionally. She could have lived another 10 or 12 years, but what for? She didn't make it to 85-90...oh well....life is not good for most people that age anyways. Honestly, though, my mother never had the mindset for real old age (over 80 or 85). Seriously.
Maybe your life will take you somewhere you never knew possible. You never know. Fantastic things happen, too.
I know that, because something good DID happen to me. Eight years ago, I considered not retiring and staying at my job longer because I couldn't foresee anything much in my future. I was long divorced and had never had another chance for a relationship, my only kid was grown and on her own and is not having children. But for various reasons, I decided to go ahead and retire. And then--I DID end up in a new relationship, unexpectedly, and it was so good. I always thought I'd go to my grave not knowing what it felt like to be loved by someone, but I did get that. Unfortunately, it was not to be long-term, and I'm still recoiling a bit from the horror of his illness and death. But at least now I can die knowing that somebody found me worth loving, and I got to experience what that was like, even if for only a few years.
I still cannot tell myself his death was meant to be. There was no rhyme or reason, it just feels like a cruel joke played on us. Some Cosmic Trickster luring us in with the promise of happiness, only to bring down its fist and say, "OOPS, JUST KIDDING."
Yeah, I know, bad things happen and life is unfair and there's no reason, but some people do seem to get all the goodies just by snapping their fingers while the rest of us have to wait and beg for scraps and then watch as they are taken away. But, I'm not bitter, lmao.
Anyway, I do try to be positive most of the time. Easier some days than others.
I know that, because something good DID happen to me. Eight years ago, I considered not retiring and staying at my job longer because I couldn't foresee anything much in my future. I was long divorced and had never had another chance for a relationship, my only kid was grown and on her own and is not having children. But for various reasons, I decided to go ahead and retire. And then--I DID end up in a new relationship, unexpectedly, and it was so good. I always thought I'd go to my grave not knowing what it felt like to be loved by someone, but I did get that. Unfortunately, it was not to be long-term, and I'm still recoiling a bit from the horror of his illness and death. But at least now I can die knowing that somebody found me worth loving, and I got to experience what that was like, even if for only a few years.
I still cannot tell myself his death was meant to be. There was no rhyme or reason, it just feels like a cruel joke played on us. Some Cosmic Trickster luring us in with the promise of happiness, only to bring down its fist and say, "OOPS, JUST KIDDING."
Yeah, I know, bad things happen and life is unfair and there's no reason, but some people do seem to get all the goodies just by snapping their fingers while the rest of us have to wait and beg for scraps and then watch as they are taken away. But, I'm not bitter, lmao.
Anyway, I do try to be positive most of the time. Easier some days than others.
:
I know what you're saying: you finally found love and it was taken from you. Makes perfect sense to me. Very unfair.
A Buddhist teacher once said we're delusional when think other people get out of suffering - they don't. Every thing is impermanent. If an elderly couple is married for 75 years, it will still come to an end; If someone has great health, it will eventually come to an end; if someone has youth and vitality, it will still come to an end. While what I said just seems like common sense, we don't really know this "deep in our bones."
I think you are in the river of grief, like me -- and you're doing just fine somehow, despite all of your pain.
I know what you're saying: you finally found love and it was taken from you. Makes perfect sense to me. Very unfair.
A Buddhist teacher once said we're delusional when think other people get out of suffering - they don't. Every thing is impermanent. If an elderly couple is married for 75 years, it will still come to an end; If someone has great health, it will eventually come to an end; if someone has youth and vitality, it will still come to an end. While what I said just seems like common sense, we don't really know this "deep in our bones."
I think you are in the river of grief, like me -- and you're doing just fine somehow, despite all of your pain.
I've read all these recent comments posted in this thread and completely agree everything is impermanent. I'm not sure anyone thinks otherwise. Especially as we get older and start to pay closer attention to what we didn't pay much attention to when we were younger. For whatever the reason we might be brought to our knees to suffer, the way to suffer through it all depends on a good number of personal factors that are unique to all of us at a personal level.
I remember being clinically depressed for longer than I care to admit, and nothing I could think to do seemed to work toward making me feel better. I was miserably miserable while the world continued to turn around me as if I was on the outside looking in. All I know is that I eventually came around in time and I'm not sure it was anything but a matter of time that finally helped me feel right again. Now to the point I very much appreciate how fortunate I am to feel as good about life as I do.
As such, my primary M.O. is to simply take it all "one day at a time." Forever reminding my wife and myself to "live in the moment" and to avoid whatever thoughts don't well serve that purpose. Put another way, I try find the “serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it...”
Best to all. Especially who I know are thinking "easier said than done." True that too...
I know that, because something good DID happen to me. Eight years ago, I considered not retiring and staying at my job longer because I couldn't foresee anything much in my future. I was long divorced and had never had another chance for a relationship, my only kid was grown and on her own and is not having children. But for various reasons, I decided to go ahead and retire. And then--I DID end up in a new relationship, unexpectedly, and it was so good. I always thought I'd go to my grave not knowing what it felt like to be loved by someone, but I did get that. Unfortunately, it was not to be long-term, and I'm still recoiling a bit from the horror of his illness and death. But at least now I can die knowing that somebody found me worth loving, and I got to experience what that was like, even if for only a few years.
I still cannot tell myself his death was meant to be. There was no rhyme or reason, it just feels like a cruel joke played on us. Some Cosmic Trickster luring us in with the promise of happiness, only to bring down its fist and say, "OOPS, JUST KIDDING."
Yeah, I know, bad things happen and life is unfair and there's no reason, but some people do seem to get all the goodies just by snapping their fingers while the rest of us have to wait and beg for scraps and then watch as they are taken away. But, I'm not bitter, lmao.
Anyway, I do try to be positive most of the time. Easier some days than others.
Reading your comment has me thinking about my daughter...
She's all of a young 32 and still single after a shocking split with her fiancé about two years ago. They had lived together for over six years. Were "a handsome couple," and they even had a destination wedding (ceremony) where everyone they knew, family and friends, traveled to Europe and came together to witness the whole affair in Cinderella-like fashion. In a castle no less. Not too long afterward, however, they had still not got officially married in the states. As it got closer and closer to the time when they would actually make it official, he up and decides to split. To the utter amazement of everyone who knew them. I am very proud of how my daughter managed to keep going as we did our best to support her as best we could. A busy job helped her focus on other things too, but it was very rough for her for at least a year. Now I'm very pleased to see she is back to her old self. Smiling and enjoying life. Traveling with friends and doing well with her career, but, she is still living alone in an apartment with her dog, and prospects of meeting someone new seem very slim. She says all the men in San Francisco are gay just for starters.
I would think these dating apps would work better than it seems they do, because my daughter thinks they are no good too. So what can she do to find another relationship sooner rather than later? My wife and I continue to wonder with fingers crossed it will be sooner rather than later for her sake.
For anyone young or old looking for love again, I always wonder how I would do if faced with the same challenge, but as of right now going on 36+ years of marriage makes this at least one problem I don't currently need to contend with. Here's to all who are not so lucky.
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