Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hope everyone is well. Things are ok. I have my decent weeks and my not-so-decent weeks. Last week was rough. This week is a bit better. Between work and family, I find myself having to move forward.
I visited my mom's grave last week. Her headstone was set this week.
At random times I find myself thinking about her. I thought about how much she wanted to live, had so much to live for. As she told me, she wasn't done living yet. Breaks my heart. I have so many reasons to live, as well. Maybe one day I will return to living rather than merely being alive. I've learned not to rush things. Losing her has profoundly altered my life. It was a big blow. It's a void that nothing can fill. MQ, you're right...it's my love for her that causes me to grieve and ache so much for her. If anything, it has showed me the extent of what unconditioned love is.
Today I read about the baseball player (Tim?) Wakefield passing of brain cancer and his wife passing of pancreatic cancer months later. Grim reminders that cancer leaves nothing but tears in its wake. It's just horrible. With all the advances in cancer treatment, the truth is with some cancers the needle has hardly moved at all. Tim Wakefield's wife was 53, 21 years younger than my mom. She also had so many reasons to live, and it helped me to see some semblance of a positive in that I had my mom for 75 years. The Wakefields' children won't have that opportunity.
So I am grateful for the time I had with her, all of it.
about 5 years ago she had dementia and dad took care of her till she passed on Mother's Day. she lived long enough to make peace with my sister then passed that night. dad kept her ashes until the house burned down and Dad lost her ashes then found them in the yard and he scooped as much up as he could and finally cried for hours.
Hope everyone is well. Things are ok. I have my decent weeks and my not-so-decent weeks. Last week was rough. This week is a bit better. Between work and family, I find myself having to move forward.
I visited my mom's grave last week. Her headstone was set this week.
At random times I find myself thinking about her. I thought about how much she wanted to live, had so much to live for. As she told me, she wasn't done living yet. Breaks my heart. I have so many reasons to live, as well. Maybe one day I will return to living rather than merely being alive. I've learned not to rush things. Losing her has profoundly altered my life. It was a big blow. It's a void that nothing can fill. MQ, you're right...it's my love for her that causes me to grieve and ache so much for her. If anything, it has showed me the extent of what unconditioned love is.
Today I read about the baseball player (Tim?) Wakefield passing of brain cancer and his wife passing of pancreatic cancer months later. Grim reminders that cancer leaves nothing but tears in its wake. It's just horrible. With all the advances in cancer treatment, the truth is with some cancers the needle has hardly moved at all. Tim Wakefield's wife was 53, 21 years younger than my mom. She also had so many reasons to live, and it helped me to see some semblance of a positive in that I had my mom for 75 years. The Wakefields' children won't have that opportunity.
So I am grateful for the time I had with her, all of it.
Kathryn is no longer a member? What happened???
I read about the deaths of Tim Wakefield and his wife as well. What occurred to me is that Tim and Stacy died aware of how much of their children's life they will miss and not knowing how the children's lives will turn out. When my mother died, her children were mature adults with families of their own and I take comfort that she lived to see that.
Funny, riaelise, for some reason you popped into my mind when I was driving yesterday and I wondered how you were doing because you haven't been here recently. Not that you ever HAVE to come here, lol, I think I was just having a moment missing my bf (it's coming up on a year next week) and I thought of some of the other posters who come here.
It's been a helpful place to me, this forum, just knowing, unfortunately for all of you, that there are others here who understand.
Funny, riaelise, for some reason you popped into my mind when I was driving yesterday and I wondered how you were doing because you haven't been here recently. Not that you ever HAVE to come here, lol, I think I was just having a moment missing my bf (it's coming up on a year next week) and I thought of some of the other posters who come here.
It's been a helpful place to me, this forum, just knowing, unfortunately for all of you, that there are others here who understand.
It's like when Catwoman visited me. I was half watching something on TV and reading something online. She popped in. I literally saw, "Cat Woman of V" in bold letters on a bright white background on the laptop screen. She may have been having a difficult moment. Maybe it was just me.
It's like when Catwoman visited me. I was half watching something on TV and reading something online. She popped in. I literally saw, "Cat Woman of V" in bold letters on a bright white background on the laptop screen. She may have been having a difficult moment. Maybe it was just me.
What are you going to do on this first?
I am in Pittsburgh and will be for the anniversary, where I started splitting some of my time at the behest of my daughter. Although I likely will not end up here, I took a short lease on an apartment because a) she would like me to live closer to her, at least to try it out, and b) adding to the grief of losing my love, I had allowed my brother, who has physical (spine) and mental (bipolar, depression) issues to live in my condo temporarily while I was in Canada caring for him. Now I realize I cannot get rid of him unless I sell my place. It has two bedrooms, but it is very small, and basically, I also lost the sanctity of having my own home to go to after Frank died. No good deed goes unpunished.
I've asked my other sibs for help with him, but they're basically just laughing behind their hands that I am stuck with him and not them. Bro's working his way through the disability system. He's not a terrible person, but he talks to me constantly, and he thinks it's just great that we are living together because he does not want to live alone. He has no income and literally nowhere else to go. So I took this apartment to have a place to escape to for some solitude until I figure out what my next move should be.
LOL, to actually answer your question then, since I am HERE, my daughter asked if I wanted to be alone, and suggested that if not, maybe we can do some ritual to honor his memory on the day of his death. He more or less followed native/pagan/natural world practices spiritually, and he died just after midnight on the 11th. The tenth is the new moon, which is traditionally the time to set intentions, so it seems appropriate to maybe light some candles and sage and meditate upon what I am to do moving forward that evening. I'll share that with my daughter.
He loved music, and when we were apart, we often long-distance "dated" by him sending a group of songs or a concert from YouTube, and we would listen "together", texting or talking while we did. I've got a playlist of his music from our earlier and older emails before I was up there mostly full-time, and I am going to listen to some of his favorites.
I will also be in touch with his sons and his siblings that day. We are still in contact.
MQ, first of all I want to say thanks so much of keeping me in your thoughts! I hope all is going ok with you.
I find myself having only enough bandwidth to spectate, so I pop in and read from time to time but can't find the motivation to post
Life in general, while not crushingly unpleasant as it was months ago when Mom passed, is definitely different. I still have no sense of follow through. There are things that I "mean to do", but inevitably don't do it until weeks later. Thank God I have my husband who handles such things as the bills, etc. I have to use tons of post its at work to help keep me focused. It wasn't like that before. I can only hope that one day my mojo will return..or it may not return. I just try.
It also helps me realize the truth in the phrase "for good or for bad, sickness and in health" when it comes to marriage.
Some think that marriage is just a "piece of paper".... but it's not. Can't really articulate fully, but it IS much more.
Right now has been my darkest hour, and I find myself (a very indepedent woman) more dependent now. Grief can do that. Every day I fight the battle of not going into the void. And my husband, he's been there for me. Timely words, even if he can't really relate. Keeping me engaged so that I am not allowing myself to get sad, etc. I've been here for him over the years as well.
We truly have a partnership going, and I am glad that the kids are witness to all of this. How we help each other.
There are several upcoming events that are going to be very hard for me.
First, my mom's birthday on April 24.
Second, Mother's Day.
Third, my oldest daughter's graduation.
These are all going to be VERY VERY painful for me. But I must go through them. I can't go around.
I remember when the doctors optimistically mentioning to my mom that with chemo or surgery she "may live a year, maybe 18 months". They didn't talk YEARS, they talked a year. For the longest time (and even now at times), I say that I wish that I had that one year of her. Preferably, good times to finally be followed by bad.
It's already been nine months. If my mom had gotten that year, she would now be getting closer to being at the end of that year. And then I'd have to confront the inevitable sooner or later.
Makes me question -- was it better that everything happened so fast and she passed away OR she lived a year, to have that same fate. The cancer would never be cured. It was going to kill her. Those were the absolutes. Prolonging her time by chemo wasn't going to guarantee that we'd get some "good months". For all I knew, it could have just been a good couple of months, then suffering until the end.
Sometimes, love means not seeing the ones you love the most suffer. Because would it be for their benefit? Or for mine.
Questions, questions.
Between the tears, and life, I think on such things...and of life and death in general.
I still miss and long for her, but time has helped me accept that she is not with me. That's a step in the right direction.
These were all words spoken by me at various points in time. I inherited an independent streak from my mother. I left home at 18. Got my first job - a paper route - in elementary school. Proudly told my mom I didn't want allowance any longer. I wanted a summer job, and I started working during the summers from age 14.
Yet, where would I be if i didn't have someone lovingly, patiently and sometimes impatiently, teaching me along the way?
How could I fly on my own, without having someone teach me the mechanics of flying, and stepping aside (even if they didn't want to) and allowing me to flap my wings? I may weave up and down and side to side, but I do not fall.
It's so many things, big and small, that made my mom my heroine. I see it as a mother myself. So much of what I've learned is from her and my grandmother. They taught me how to ride a bike. They helped me with my science projects.
For so long, my life was indeed intertwined with theirs, even if I did grow up, marry, move to another state, etc.
And now both of them are gone. Now all that is left is me.
I think that all of what they've done was to prepare me for this day. The day that I will have to learn to live without them. And now with my mother's death, I am in fact truly alone.
It's late at night, and thoughts of my mom and all of what she's done in my life just brought me to tears again.
My daughter is going to graduate high school. She is a bit anxious about the world ahead of her, and I remind her that she is at the beginning of her journey. I remember being her thirty years ago. i can only hope that I've done as good a job with her as my mom did with me. Time will tell.
Your posts are very moving, riaelise. So much truth in them, and so much with which I can identify.
The firsts are hard. Mother's Day is still hard. Sometimes things change permanently, too.
It's four years March 28 for my mom. Easter was a big holiday for her. We always bought her bulb flowers like hyacinths that she could plant outside. Big dinner. That's over now. My daughter and I went to Costa Rica for Christmas this year because there will be no more nice family Christmases for us now that she is gone. I had ONE Christmas with my bf at his house on the lake before he got sick, the year my mom died. I was finally able to spend one with him because I didn't have to spend it with her so she wouldn't be alone. The next two were feeding him his Christmas dinner because he was unable to feed himself. I am done with THAT holiday. It made me so sad last year to see all the houses decorated with lights. I think traveling is my new Christmas. I have siblings, but we won't be getting together for holidays, and my daughter is not having children, so that's the end of that.
I'm glad your husband is taking care of you and that you are able to lean on him.
At one point, taking care of Frank, I was lying in bed in tears knowing his death was how it would end, and the thought came to me, "All you can do is love him." That's what I tried to do, and it sounds as if that's what you did for your mother.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
lost mama
