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This is not a relationship, it is an obsession, so mental health is more appropriate, in my opinion. The OP is living in a fantasy world that is detrimental to mental health.
I hope OP never, ever flirts with her sister's husband or in any way suggests she has the hots for him.
I do agree with lostdreamer's own diagnosis", which is "It has to be some jealousy towards my sister. She has what I want; a loving husband, stability happiness and kids."
Yes, except the word is "envy" not jealousy.
Envy:desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else).
Jealousy: to feel angry or upset because another person is trying to take a lover or friend, or a possession, away from them.
What is normal? You either have feelings for someone or you dont. If the person you have feelings for is unavailable, and your sisters husband to boot, then you should probably forget about it and find someone else.
Is your motivation for asking if it's normal from a board full of strangers an effort to gain permission to act on your feelings?
Were you my friend, my advice would be to see a therapist & to not ruin your sister's home life. She doesn't deserve that from her own sister, no matter what issues lie in your pasts. If you can't see that, then stay away until you work out your motivations with a counselor. There are plenty of available, lovely, attractive men on the planet... you can find one of your own who is single & looking for someone like you.
If you can't move on from your 12-yr old feelings, it needs addressing with someone who can genuinely help you to move forward. I don't know your age (you might be 16-19), you might be too enmeshed in your sister's life & it's far too complex to address here with those who don't know you & aren't qualified to do so from a distance.
If this isn't a hoax post, I'd suspect that the reason you're asking is you're looking for validation to pursue your feelings. You know that's not healthy & will ruin relationships, probably forever, otherwise you wouldn't ask for strangers' opinions. Why would you want to risk so deeply hurting kin & children who need a solid household?
Good luck finding a solid therapist. If you're very young & don't have a job with insurance, there are free resources from local community health centers in your 'hood. If you need help finding someone & are underage, ask your family doctor for a referral & ask him/her to keep it private between you two.
I've never flirted with him as that would be so wrong and our relationship as sisters and best friends would be permanently jeopardized. I might envy her as someone pointed the difference between envy and jealousy but I can't imagine going into long periods of not speaking to my sister. In addition, I would get in serious trouble. That's a loyal man that only has eyes for my sister. He would've rejected me and communicate with my sister about it immediately. He has already done this once towards another girl that kept coming forward and trying to kiss him. Two other people and I caught the moment he rejected her, clearly disgusted by the girl's advances. They were then still bf and gf at the time. He was tipsy but he still told the girl off, even softly shoved her and left. I was impressed by that action to be honest. The girl he rejected at that time was also prettier than me. I guess that's part of what made me go crazy about him in my fantasy, so decent and loyal and yet an impossble love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by A.Typical.Girl
If you can't move on from your 12-yr old feelings, it needs addressing with someone who can genuinely help you to move forward. I don't know your age (you might be 16-19), you might be too enmeshed in your sister's life & it's far too complex to address here with those who don't know you & aren't qualified to do so from a distance.
I'm 26 years old. The reason for sharing this is to actually vent out and get rid of this fantasy once and for all. If you notice, my nickname even rhymes with this situation. I've been a lost dreamer for so long that time flew fast and 30 is already the corner.
I've never flirted with him as that would be so wrong and our relationship as sisters and best friends would be permanently jeopardized. I might envy her as someone pointed the difference between envy and jealousy but I can't imagine going into long periods of not speaking to my sister. In addition, I would get in serious trouble. That's a loyal man that only has eyes for my sister. He would've rejected me and communicate with my sister about it immediately. He has already done this once towards another girl that kept coming forward and trying to kiss him. Two other people and I caught the moment he rejected her, clearly disgusted by the girl's advances. They were then still bf and gf at the time. He was tipsy but he still told the girl off, even softly shoved her and left. I was impressed by that action to be honest. The girl he rejected at that time was also prettier than me. I guess that's part of what made me go crazy about him in my fantasy, so decent and loyal and yet an impossble love.
I'm 26 years old. The reason for sharing this is to actually vent out and get rid of this fantasy once and for all. If you notice, my nickname even rhymes with this situation. I've been a lost dreamer for so long that time flew fast and 30 is already the corner.
TY for the clarification.
It's best that you seek out a therapist. You have a lot to discuss & his/her guidance will help alleviate whatever distress you've bottled up.
To the OP, this is NOT healthy in any way, shape, or form for anyone involved. I would also destroy all your journals, etc about him that you have accumulated. If they fall into the wrong hands it could destroy a marriage. You are very immature, and selfish to continue with this. Build your own life which would not include him. And NO it isn't normal.
No, my sister isn't aware of this nor my journals. The dating market has been getting progressively worse over these recent years.
Of course it is getting worse. You are comparing every prospect with your fantasy guy, and no real man can compare with a fantasy. You are living your life inside your head where you think you can make it all work the way you want it to. Add in real people, and everything changes, naturally.
My older sister's husband is my forbidden and unrequited love. I've always had a crush on him since the day I (then 12 years old) laid my eyes on him. He's handsome in every single way, both physically and in personality. They met during their HS years. They were 15 year-olds at the time. Before they started dating, I tried getting him in a couple conversations but to him, I was a kid and had no interest in me. It was too late when they started dating. I've kept my first journal dated back from the day I first met him.
14 Years Later
They've been married for 8 years, have a 5 year-old daughter and are now expecting twin boys. Even so, my love for him never waned. He's still the most decent, handsome guy I've ever met, just older but the same. Sadly I have to forget him. In my fantasies and private journals, it isn't just sexual fantasies (I was 14 the first time I had a sex dream about him) but the life I've imagined I would've had with him. Can this be normal?
Some is normal, some is not. It's OK to have a childhood crush on someone close to you, but it should be replaced by feelings for that of a brother in law. You don't allow yourself to continue with these fantasies because it's wrong. You need counseling. A therapist can help you see that it really isn't "him" that you need, it's something else.
Remember Gone With the Wind? How Scarlette always thought she loved Ashley even after her marriage to Rhett? Remember how she would have dreams and it was Rhett she wanted and loved but it was in the midst of fog and she couldn't see him? Same thing. You're telling yourself you love this guy but really, deep down inside, you are in love with the idea of loving "someone". Please don't ever do anything to allow any type flirting or anything else, because this is your sister. Bad things happen and things like this ruin lives forever. Get help before you cause a LOT of problems.
Stay busy with church, clubs, volunteering, sports, etc outside of your job so you're always getting to know good single men.
And, more importantly, so you're doing things you enjoy and keeping busy and have less time to feel lonely or think about this guy.
So, OP, is this actually about your BIL, or just about the fact that you want a man and he happens to be one you know and feel is decent and can fixate on?
I agree about the therapist. Simply because this has gone on so long (so clearly not something you can shake on your own and a bit of help could be in order) and because normally I'd advise you to get this guy out of your life, except he's family so you can't... so something else is needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McGowdog
I'd say bob till you drop.
Fantasize away every day, maybe it will wear off.
I am of the belief that the sex instinct is God-given and therefore good, neither to be used selfishly nor despised nor loathed. Don't take advice from other people. Do what's right for you? Just because you have fantasies doesn't mean you have to act on them.
But the point is that OP knows this is detrimental to her life.
And clearly "fantasizing every day" for years hasn't made it "wear off."
My concept of normalcy is that while I'm in love with him, I'll never act on it. That's why it's a fantasy.
1. You are not in love with him. Not even close. As others have said, you don't know him. So you think you are in love with him ( as you imagine him to be ). You are in love with an imagined person. The reality is something else.
2. Nothing wrong with envy.
3. Your "feelings" for the BIL may very well inhibit you from finding someone more appropriate. I would certainly not be interested in anyone who was obsessed with someone else. Nor would I want to be with anyone for whom I am a compromise. YMMV.
4. I have had my share of fantasies, never acted on them, but also have never confused them for something real.
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