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OP, on the one hand, I feel bad for your son. There's a lot going on here -- by your account he's desperate for a girlfriend, he probably on some level recognizes that he's being used and is most likely embarrassed about that, and he thought he was helping this girl get out of a bad situation and can't stand the idea of putting her out on the street.
On the other hand, this situation needs to end now before something really bad happens. If your son can't figure out how to end it in the next few days, I think your and/or your husband need to fly out there and take control of it.
Tell the girl to her face that this thing has come to an end, that you are not paying rent so that she can live in your son's apartment, and she needs to leave immediately. Offer to buy her a bus ticket back to wherever she came from, and if she accepts the offer, go with her to the bus station, buy the ticket and make sure she gets on the bus.
If she refuses that offer, tell her your next step will be to have her formally evicted from your son's apartment. Explain to her that the sheriff will come and forcibly (if need be) remove her from the premises, and put her stuff on the street, where it will most likely be stolen. Also explain to her that having an eviction on her record means it becomes VERY difficult to rent a place again in the future.
Tell her that if she becomes abusive to your son or if she steals from him, you will not hesitate to call the police and you will also file for a restraining order against her.
I think your being there in person and telling her in no uncertain terms about the legal avenues you intend to pursue against her will convince her to drop this whole thing.
Then you can figure out how to help your son move forward from this, and hopefully not get into this kind of trouble again.
Last edited by WellShoneMoon; 09-15-2022 at 11:28 AM..
These things can seem more complicated than they have to be.
You aren't responsible to do anything to make your son or the girl do what you want them to do. You don't have to spend extra money or time trying to make other people do what you want. Not your job.
What your job is is to say what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do and the time frame that involves.
Period. That sets a firm line in the sand and leaves the rest to them. And hold that line.
You may also say what consequences there will be if your requirements aren't met so he isn't blindsided. But it sounds like you've already talked this to death and there is always just one more thing to give pause. So set a limit and stick with it.
Express love and emotional support and make it clear you are allowing him to make his own adult choices complete with consequences.
There's a hook here. You love him. You might be afraid of losing him. That's what keeps parents confused and enabling. Sometimes we enable them into hopeless situations all out of love.
If you want him to change you have to take the risk of allowing him his own life and then decide how much of that you are willing to enable.
Sounds cold; sounds hard. Hardest thing you might ever have to do. (I remember how scary it was for us - if we cut them off something bad might happen to them.)
But they can't grow up without learning from their mistakes.
I’ve also tried to put the fear of God in him about how he will mess up his life if she gets pregnant. I hope and pray he’s at least listening to me about that.
If he's getting sex from her then it's a trade-off for him. Yeah she might steal from him, but that might be the price of a lesson but on the other hand he's getting sex.
Is your son 14? Holy crap. Cut the apron strings, already! He's really asking mommy how to get a girl out of his apartment?! Daddy is going to FLY out west to kick his ex-girlfriend out of his apartment?!?
In his place, I would worry more about dying of shame than the girl.
I get that YMMV, but when I went to college at 18, my parents heard from me maybe twice a semester. They for sure didn't even know about my female company unless I brought the girl home. Don't ask don't tell. Of course, I wasn't living on their dime, but that's one of the reasons WHY I wasn't.
Is your son neurotypical and not special-needs? Does he have the physical and mental capacity to manage his own life, finances, phone bill, etc? He needs to start doing so. The thousand-mile apron-stringing needs to stop. It's very bizarre and unhealthy--much moreso than his relationship with his deadbeat girlfriend. Those come-and-go, but parents are forever.
I can't give you specific advice on what to do now. I can only say what I would do, based on how I'm raising my kids:
I would give him enough money to complete college (or suggest he take out a loan and offer to help repay it or whatever financial jiggery works best for you), and wash my hands of his living situation. I for sure wouldn't make that sum enough to pay for extras or amenities like an individual apartment without roommates. It's pretty clear this guy needs to learn to socialize and manage human relationships without mommy and daddy. Having some crappy (or awesome) roomies will do that post-haste.
I would tell him that he's the decision maker WRT the girl and his life, not me. Whether I do/don't like her is all the input I get. I would tell him he can always google local locksmiths and take a little road trip or find a friend's couch for a few days, if she's one of the really crazy types.
To me, it sounds like you've crossed the line from being a helpful and concerned parent to trying to isolate your son from the world and prevent him from becoming an independent adult. I don't think that's a healthy pathway for either of you, and you're seeing the rot it's causing in your relationship. He is starting to revolt from being under your thumb, lying and downplaying the stuff he knows you don't approve of, rather than just asking for advice--because you (and your approval) control the money and his life. I bet the lies go a LOT deeper than you realize, and they'll only get worse the more control you try to exert. This girlfriend situation is just a symptom, not the actual disease.
How awful and sad. Yes I’m afraid of this happening.
To me, fear has no place in a situation like this. It's clear that this gal has found a mark in a desperate guy. He's not thinking clearly. He doesn't realize that he is being used so it's up to you to put the kibbosh on this ASAP.
Let him be mad at you. You don't tiptoe around letting a stranger move in who obviously has motives other than loving your son. Especially when it's on your dime.
If you can't bear the thought that he will be angry with you, then contact the landlord and if the lease is clear that the tenant is just your son, ask them to enforce that by sending both you (if you are a co-signer) and your son a letter warning if the other person is not out in x days, he is subject to eviction.
He is desperate for a girlfriend, I know that. Key word being desperate—which is why he’s in this mess.
I think he also thought he could help her. I told him though that he doesn’t have the resources to help her. His resources come from us, and we are unwilling to help a healthy able bodied individual who won’t work. There are three restaurants within 1/2 a block of his apartment, so there’s no excuse….every restaurant in America is hiring.
He said a homeless shelter is unfair. I said, this is her choice. If she won’t go to a relative’s house, and has no money, and won’t get a job…that’s where that lands you. What’s unfair is a) lying to us about it and b) expecting us to keep paying for her.
ETA: I don’t even trust him at this point if he tells me she’s gone. How do I know she won’t be back?
I agree with the fact, that the entire scenario was premeditated. She knew exactly what she was doing, while he was clueless. One tell-tale sign: she clearly lied about having a round-trip ticket. So it's fairly safe to assume that the bit about having a bunch of friends to stay with, and then suddenly ALL of them bailing on her, was also two more lies.
I also agree with another poster's suggestion, for your son to check the lease, to see if it allows double-occupancy without the 2nd person being on the lease. You could put in a call to the LL, if the lease doesn't allow the situation.
Is your son shy or socially awkward with women? Does his "friend group" include women, or just guys? I'm thinking, he must have trouble socializing with women, OR he just hasn't come across anyone who catches his fancy, because opening his modest home to a stranger turned out to be preferable to him, or easier, in any case, than mingling with a few of the thousands of women at his college.
Although, he's in his freshman year, didn't you say? The freshman year can be challenging for students; some feel very isolated, and find college to be very impersonal, until they figure out, that participating in organized groups and activities goes a long way to breaking the ice with others.
Good luck with this project, OP! Let us know how it goes.
Oh, and btw, finding a gf is something that can sink, or come close to sinking, a college career. Relationships can be time consuming. They can be emotional roller coasters, sapping the energy and focus out of a person. He's desperate for a girlfriend because he (apparently) has no idea that relationships can, and often do, lead to heartbreak. It sounds like he needs to mature a bit, and gain some emotional independence. In any case, I'm just saying, that if he's so bent on finding a relationship, you should be prepared for some messy domino effects from that, down the line.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 09-15-2022 at 11:38 AM..
I’ve gotten some solid, practical advice in this thread. For brevity’s sake I won’t quote every post but I have repped you. Thank you!
I am in contact with the landlord.
To the somewhat histrionic post accusing us being over-protective, I disagree wholeheartedly for several reasons: we let him go to school far away from us, he asked me for help, and this is not the case of a sorority girl crashing at the frat house after she got wasted. This girl claims she has nowhere to go and no money and has attached herself to an apartment WE pay for. He can shack up with every girl who will have him once it’s on his dime.
I made sure to not judge the girl prematurely and was even cautiously optimistic when he said she was helping him with his homework (he is dyslexic). The alarm bells started ringing when he started telling me all her excuses for not getting a job.
Quote:
Is your son shy or socially awkward with women? Does his "friend group" include women, or just guys? I'm thinking, he must have trouble socializing with women, OR he just hasn't come across anyone who catches his fancy, because opening his modest home to a stranger turned out to be preferable to him, or easier, in any case, than mingling with a few of the thousands of women at his college.
He lacks confidence with girls. He has had girlfriends before, but because he lacks confidence he tends to go with the girl who pursues him, even if she isn’t really what he is looking for.
He is extremely confident when it comes to his major and future career. He has a paid internship at school and is well regarded by his professors (from what I hear).
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 09-15-2022 at 11:52 AM..
He's admitted that he's in over his head, and that means he's open to help. I suggest biting the bullet, buying a plane ticket for her to return home, and supervising her departure. Yes, that means Dad taking her to the airport and watching her go through security. It may also mean helping your son to file a restraining order if she harasses him. I wish you the best of luck in dislodging this leech.
I think it's good that you are in contact with the landlord. If the landlord is able to get her out, that would be a good solution to this.
I would not give your son any more money until someone (you or your husband) has flown there and surprised him with a visit a week or so after he claims she has moved out. Make sure it has actually happened. Unfortunately, he has proven he will lie to protect this girl who is using him for his money (your money.)
I seriously hope they are using birth control.
The one thing I would be willing to offer the girl is a one-way plane ticket back to her hometown. Nothing else. Your son may think this romance is sweet and fun, but after you are no longer paying for it, and his hard earned money is paying for an able-bodied moocher who refuses to get a job to stay in his studio while he struggles to come up with enough to make rent and pay for food, he'll change his tune. I'd keep him on your health insurance. If he digs in, he needs to start paying for his own phone and car insurance and anything else you're paying for. If he wants to play house with this girl, then he should experience how much it costs to play house. That's really the only way he'll get the message and get sick of her, unfortunately, if talking to him sensibly doesn't work.
Your son’s enjoying the ride, the girl’s enjoying the freeloading, it’s an amusing story.
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