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My son attends college about 12 hours away from us, in a fairly big city in a Western state. He has been there 9 months; he is doing well in his classes, works, has made a good friend group, etc. We pay his rent for a very small studio apartment (and it’s expensive), his tuition, car insurance, phone, and he’s on our medical. He buys his own food and gas.
Recently he met a girl online (I know, I know) who said she had friends in his city and was going to come visit. She was going to stay with friends, she said. We warned him repeatedly, you’ve never met this girl, don’t have her stay with you, etc.
Of course he didn’t listen to us. Her friends fell through, so guess where she ended up staying…yep, with my son. She’s been there about a week. Every day it is a different story—she can’t get a job because she is indecisive. She has no money because her brother stole her money. She can’t go back home because her mom is awful. She’s not in college because she wants to be a famous singer.
I think she is scamming him. I think she looked for a mark and he was foolish enough to fall for it. She clearly has no incentive to work or to contribute. Yesterday he told her she had to go and she got him to agree to another week.
We have told him in no uncertain terms, you get no more money from us until she’s out. And we need proof that she is out. (He can’t afford this place long on his own). He says he can’t put her on the street. I gave him phone numbers and addresses of homeless shelters. He says we are cold and cruel. I say he’s an idiot.
We told him she needs to be out tomorrow or his dad will fly out there and make sure she is out.
I’m scared she will accuse him of something heinous as revenge. I’m scared she is going to steal from him. What are our options if she refuses to leave? I’m shocked and disappointed that I raised such a dumb kid. And I’m angry too because we are also being used.
I’ve also tried to put the fear of God in him about how he will mess up his life if she gets pregnant. I hope and pray he’s at least listening to me about that.
He is setting himself for some really hard life lessons.
I agree with you that if he wants to play house with her that he needs to also pay for her if she won't support herself. What does his lease say? If she isn't on the lease that might be one way to get rid of the problem. Ask him whether she is worth giving up his future and career for? He needs to stay focused on school, as you know, and anything else is a waste of time.
Maybe he is lonely and that is clouding his judgement? She is only a paper tiger so don't have her all the power to run her agenda.
Hang in there, this will pass as he matures more. Remember the male brain develops more slowly than females!
He is setting himself for some really hard life lessons.
I agree with you that if he wants to play house with her that he needs to also pay for her if she won't support herself. What does his lease say? If she isn't on the lease that might be one way to get rid of the problem. Ask him whether she is worth giving up his future and career for? He needs to stay focused on school, as you know, and anything else is a waste of time.
Maybe he is lonely and that is clouding his judgement? She is only a paper tiger so don't have her all the power to run her agenda.
Hang in there, this will pass as he matures more. Remember the male brain develops more slowly than females!
He is desperate for a girlfriend, I know that. Key word being desperate—which is why he’s in this mess.
I think he also thought he could help her. I told him though that he doesn’t have the resources to help her. His resources come from us, and we are unwilling to help a healthy able bodied individual who won’t work. There are three restaurants within 1/2 a block of his apartment, so there’s no excuse….every restaurant in America is hiring.
He said a homeless shelter is unfair. I said, this is her choice. If she won’t go to a relative’s house, and has no money, and won’t get a job…that’s where that lands you. What’s unfair is a) lying to us about it and b) expecting us to keep paying for her.
ETA: I don’t even trust him at this point if he tells me she’s gone. How do I know she won’t be back?
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 09-14-2022 at 11:48 PM..
He is desperate for a girlfriend, I know that. Key word being desperate—which is why he’s in this mess.
I think he also thought he could help her. I told him though that he doesn’t have the resources to help her. His resources come from us, and we are unwilling to help a healthy able bodied individual who won’t work. There are three restaurants within 1/2 a block of his apartment, so there’s no excuse….every restaurant in America is hiring.
He said a homeless shelter is unfair. I said, this is her choice. If she won’t go to a relative’s house, and has no money, and won’t get a job…that’s where that lands you. What’s unfair is a) lying to us about it and b) expecting us to keep paying for her.
ETA: I don’t even trust him at this point if he tells me she’s gone. How do I know she won’t be back?
You may hold the best cards right now but you have to play this hand with a lot of thought because your relationship with your son could be forever damaged, or damaged for a while, over a girl. You wouldn't be the first parent it happened to either. Unfortunately a girl did come between my son and I back in his college days when he was with a toxic girl. He ended up giving up college, the girl was one of the few reasons. In the end stopping college turned out for the best because it was $20k a year with housing.
How did a few days visit turn into her getting a job or was that the result of her not having money to get back home or somewhere else?
The fact that your son is desperate is a key here. Just how desperate is he? Is he willing to give up school, that apartment and financial help to get a better job to pay for both of them? Does he know what you spend per month on everything? If not, it's time to clue him in.
Someone needs to drive her back to her own area. Maybe your hub showing up would be a good thing but it could damage the relationship with your son, especially if he thinks miss few days of dating is the love of his life, will be the one who got away due to his parents.
Your son could have sucker written on his forehead, she needed a place to crash, someone to put a roof over her head so she could get away from her mean parent(s).
You know your son best. Do you think letting this play out a few weeks will help? She could get very possessive and/or show her true colors in another few weeks. He may drop her on his own
OP post your question at the CollegeConfidential parents forum, over there I have seen/read finances related cases and parents there are very helpful with advice and suggestions and tips.
Even "smart kids" will often need to learn some adult life lessons the hard way, and it certainly like his new acquaintance is gonna help him out with that.
If your husband does indeed fly out there, he should show up unannounced and supervise this young lady's departure.
My son attends college about 12 hours away from us, in a fairly big city in a Western state. He has been there 9 months; he is doing well in his classes, works, has made a good friend group, etc. We pay his rent for a very small studio apartment (and it’s expensive), his tuition, car insurance, phone, and he’s on our medical. He buys his own food and gas.
Recently he met a girl online (I know, I know) who said she had friends in his city and was going to come visit. She was going to stay with friends, she said. We warned him repeatedly, you’ve never met this girl, don’t have her stay with you, etc.
Of course he didn’t listen to us. Her friends fell through, so guess where she ended up staying…yep, with my son. She’s been there about a week. Every day it is a different story—she can’t get a job because she is indecisive. She has no money because her brother stole her money. She can’t go back home because her mom is awful. She’s not in college because she wants to be a famous singer.
He found a real winner here. You will have to go over to take charge and straighten things out before something bad happens.
OP post your question at the CollegeConfidential parents forum, over there I have seen/read finances related cases and parents there are very helpful with advice and suggestions and tips.
Thanks for the suggestion.
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Originally Posted by Bitey
Even "smart kids" will often need to learn some adult life lessons the hard way, and it certainly like his new acquaintance is gonna help him out with that.
If your husband does indeed fly out there, he should show up unannounced and supervise this young lady's departure.
You may hold the best cards right now but you have to play this hand with a lot of thought because your relationship with your son could be forever damaged, or damaged for a while, over a girl. You wouldn't be the first parent it happened to either. Unfortunately a girl did come between my son and I back in his college days when he was with a toxic girl. He ended up giving up college, the girl was one of the few reasons. In the end stopping college turned out for the best because it was $20k a year with housing.
How awful and sad. Yes I’m afraid of this happening.
Our relationship is already damaged in the sense that he has lied to us from the beginning . He lied about how he met her. He lied about her staying with him. Although I think she lied too…she started out with, I have a round trip ticket and friends to stay with and I’m just visiting. Then it turned in to her just having a one way ticket and all her friends bailed.
I don’t believe she ever intended to just visit, ever had friends to stay with, etc.
We saw the writing on the wall, and that’s why we were talking to him. My husband had an hour long conversation with him, explaining all the reasons why a strange girl should not stay with him, and he bald faced lied to my husband and promised that wouldn’t happen.
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How did a few days visit turn into her getting a job or was that the result of her not having money to get back home or somewhere else?
As I said, her story changed along the way.
One thing about my son, he is a hard worker and he is ambitious. He said a few days ago that she was “looking for a job” but she keeps coming up with excuses as to why she can’t find a job. I think this bothers him.
Two days ago he called me up and said he was in over his head. He wants her out but doesn’t know what to do because she has nowhere to go. (His place is 215 SF; there’s barely room for one person in there.) That’s when I said, send her back home, put her in a youth hostel, here are some homeless shelters etc. He called again said, I told her she needs to leave, and she decided she’d fly back home.
I know his dad saying he’d be cut off financially had him in a panic.
Then last night he called up and said she will NOT go back home but he knows someone who might be able to help—yada yada yada — but it will be at least next week before she can leave. He’s like “the relationship is just fine, don’t worry.”
I have no doubt she sweet talked him in order to buy more time.
That’s when we said enough. We told him she is using him, and by extension using us, and she needs to leave today. We offered to pay for her flight back home (about $100 one way).
She won’t go back to her home state.
Like I said, she wanted to get to where he lives and he is her meal ticket.
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The fact that your son is desperate is a key here. Just how desperate is he? Is he willing to give up school, that apartment and financial help to get a better job to pay for both of them? Does he know what you spend per month on everything? If not, it's time to clue him in.
Agree.
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Someone needs to drive her back to her own area. Maybe your hub showing up would be a good thing but it could damage the relationship with your son, especially if he thinks miss few days of dating is the love of his life, will be the one who got away due to his parents.
The drive between his city and her old city is 21 hours so that won’t happen.
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Your son could have sucker written on his forehead, she needed a place to crash, someone to put a roof over her head so she could get away from her mean parent(s).
Yes this is accurate, although I doubt her mom is really that horrible.
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You know your son best. Do you think letting this play out a few weeks will help? She could get very possessive and/or show her true colors in another few weeks. He may drop her on his own
It could two ways.
One is that he is all amped up on the idea that they are “growing together” and that he finally has someone. One of the reasons he is so desperate is because his younger sister has her very first boyfriend and the boy she is seeing is a great guy. It’s like he has to prove that he can be in a relationship too.
The other way is the money. He does not like being broke. Trying to pay his rent by himself will deplete his savings very quickly. I don’t think he has a lot of respect for people who won’t work. My concern is that he will think he can play it both ways, lying to us that she isn’t there, but still taking our money.
As an aside, we disagree with shacking up together on principle, but even more so when it’s on our dime.
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