Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know what you mean about canceling a rental today? I'm not renting anything right now. I live in Arizona in an inherited house, husband & I plan to sell it next year and move back to Colorado where the kids are.
Are you moving back to Colorado mainly because your kids live there, or mainly because you, yourself, want to live there?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
$1,000 in rent (can't find much cheaper in that city, and they won't leave) x 12 months = total $12K... Don't know about getting any kind of trailer situation for less, lot rent in COS runs about $600/month.
Why won't they leave? What is the appeal of Colorado Springs that they won't consider going somewhere else? Maybe some other state, where the weed culture hasn't sprouted quite so much?
I might send money to the parents of the girl with the car but I would not drop another dime in either pocket because those girls are drinking all that cash, not to mention the one who keeps getting fired is probably smoking weed and not showing up or failing drug tests.
I would absolutely not house either kid because then you'll never get them out.
$2000 spent this month on one kid and they still don't have housing or a fixed car? Yeah, F that. There would be no more money coming from me. Time for them to grow up. As long as they know they can whine to you and hold their hand out and you'll fill it up, they don't need a job.
Yeah I am paying directly for the car to be fixed. It's like...I don't mind helping, just:
a.) Not such a constant high $ amount of "help"
b.) I need to shift it to paying directly for things that I KNOW what I am paying for, not just giving them money that they can then possibly use for weed or booze for all I know. The idea that my help is just a huge waste or worse, is really upsetting me.
Talked to the girlfriend's mom last night. We came up with a good idea. She's going to buy a breathalyzer device and have her mechanic husband install it in the car, so at least they cannot drunk drive.
The other thing about my younger son getting an apartment... Even if he gets full time employment right now, and keeps it, and works hard and saves up, all of which will challenge his present skill set and demonstrated living habits, it would STILL take time to save enough for a deposit and first month's rent on a place. And they have either bad credit or no credit, a very short job history...it would be hard for them to get a place without a co-signor. And if I co-sign, I believe that I need to be mentally and financially prepared to just pay for it... I am NOT risking my credit for them. If they are able to pay me back then great, but I will take no chances on them defaulting on rent.
So it is kind of makings sense to me, to consider the "get the kid an apartment" idea...but I am waiting to see if he gets the nearby Walmart job first, before I start making phone calls.
I don't think you can help them with your present dilemma of feeling you are "hardening your heart" by not allowing them to be adults, Sonic. And I say this with all the compassion of someone who has walked in at least one pair of your shoes.
Let me suggest, with total sincerity and a desire to see you start at the beginning, that you get the help you need first to fully understand the concept of enabling. And how to love without helping to damage. It's a high wire and requires a lot of support and practice. Not something you can do alone while enmeshed in a dependent family.
There is a risk of losing a child. But it is no greater than your current risk. Until something changes nothing will change and you can be that change. That's all you can do. You can't predict the outcome. It's a helpless feeling you have to be willing to experience. It's also freeing since you never had the power to control their fates. You do it with love for you and for your boys. Never in anger.
So I've always thought that when I decide to be the change, I am doing so in good faith with the best information I have and then I get lots of support so I don't let my emotions waver. Then I think - look at you and the challenges you've surmounted. Why do you think your children should be able to do any less? There are inborn qualities in us and external factors that rise when we are at the end of the rope. Never know they are there 'til you see the end of the rope. And it's not your rope.
Much confidence in you managing this with your innate intelligence and drive. Send love to them with your heart.
Rentals:
You cannot evict a tenant in a hurry unless you have reason and moving your child in does not sound like a valid reason. CD landlords should have answers.
He may be able to return to Job Corps. Most unemployment agencies offer job counseling. They and not for profits work with special needs. Check CD - some retired counselors may be able to direct you.
You're welcome! Thank you for inquiring about him.
Oh, you mean about the ADU situation I was contemplating for when I move back to CO? Yeah, I meant down the road if my kids manage to get their lives straightened out and it wound up just being extra space. It would be a miraculous thing if they managed to pull it even sort of together by the time I returned but stranger things have happened.
No, I would not be trying to evict anybody to house the kids. I'd figure out some other solution. Really right now I'm just trying to figure out if renting an apartment for my son to live in until my return, is a good middle path I might pursue where I can help but NOT throw cash at him to do who-knows-what with.
I also don't even know if the leasing managers of these apartment complexes would be willing to consider our situation. The son and possibly his girlfriend living there being unqualified tenant prospects with no stable employment (brand new job if anything) and bad or no credit, no references...the responsible party who is going to pay the rent is out of state... It's not an optimal proposition to be laying in front of prospective landlords.
I will look into the job counseling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man
Are you moving back to Colorado mainly because your kids live there, or mainly because you, yourself, want to live there?
Why won't they leave? What is the appeal of Colorado Springs that they won't consider going somewhere else? Maybe some other state, where the weed culture hasn't sprouted quite so much?
In my considerations for where to live, my kids being there is...decidedly mixed. I have considered not living there BECAUSE they live there, given how messy their lives have been. But the reason I do want to live there is that my dearest friends live there and are eager for me to return, and I have lived lots of other places and have never been happier anywhere else. Nowhere else I have lived has felt like "home" to me, even places I lived for years, even places where I was doing pretty well. It's something about the people. And to give you an idea of the meaningfulness of my friendships with this couple in the Springs... We are dealing with some estate planning and trust stuff lately, and they are the only people I know including everyone in my husband's family and mine, that I trust to handle trustee/POA/Executor affairs in the event that husband and I needed someone to do that.
So I am choosing to go back because of my chosen-family level friendships. Even though it's expensive and the place likes to catch on fire from time to time. Oh, and my employer wants me to go back as well and it's our understanding that this is the plan. I've been working remote since Covid but they want us back in the office at least part of the time, they are just being patient and making an exception for me because of my situation and my role.
I absolutely do NOT want to remain in Arizona long term.
"Why won't they leave?" I wish they would consider it. In the case of my older son, he will do whatever his girlfriend wants him to do. Full stop. She has made every decision about moving to different apartments, which apartment, when and where. He doesn't care where they go as long as he's with her. He's been so attached to her (they've been a thing since they were 12 years old) for so long, I don't think he knows what else to do with his life.
And, too, both of my sons have a support network in COS that they don't have anywhere else. People they know who will at least provide some help in a pinch. And my younger son has figured out the bus system and various welfare resources, has his therapists and med management there. Neither of them is comfortable with the idea of just walking away into a completely unknown situation.
And even though it's expensive to live there compared to many places, minimum wage is also high. If they had jobs, they COULD get by. As for weed and my younger kiddo...well, really he just has to be able to say no to it. Seriously whether it is legal or not, sooner or later someone will offer him some. It's a social drug and often shared, and especially if he ends up pursuing his carpentry trade...a lot of construction workers and tradesmen use it. I just don't see him going anywhere that it won't be around.
One way you can help without sending $ is by having food delivered through Whole Foods, Amazon, Walmart, etc.
Could your husband provide the male mentorship they need?
That's a thought. I have done instacart orders for other relatives in the past.
No, not really. My husband...I really promised him at the start of our relationship that I was determined to make sure that my "baggage" so to speak was not going to be his to carry. For one thing, my sons were teens by then, so I did not want a power struggle in my home. For another, he never wanted kids, and he's been really supportive to me as I've contended with my kids and their issues over the years.
He is settled into retirement and isn't the sort of handy, working, fixing stuff guy to have much to teach them. Spends most of his time playing around on his computer these days. All he could do is speak to them about his experience from previous times in his life, and he's a Boomer so they can be pretty dismissive of the things he's got to say about living in different times. They won't relate to him enough. They do like and "respect" him...but from a sort of polite distance.
I think that my younger son would benefit from a program like AA. There is a certain level of structure and accountability involved in that. My older son, I still think that a volunteer program would be good for him. He's got an INTENSE sense of good/bad, right/wrong...contributing to something he can morally support would really do a lot for him.
But any individual has to be willing to help themselves. To go and engage and participate. While I still want to help and all, and as I said, I don't see that changing so long as they are in hardship because I do care about them, I am well aware that I cannot live their lives for them if they won't do the work.
Just found out younger son did get the Walmart job, starts Thursday. And he and his gf have secured a short term housing situation staying with a friend for "up to about a month" just to give him time for paychecks to start coming in. So there is progress...now he just needs to take the job seriously and not call in.
That's a thought. I have done instacart orders for other relatives in the past.
No, not really. My husband...I really promised him at the start of our relationship that I was determined to make sure that my "baggage" so to speak was not going to be his to carry. For one thing, my sons were teens by then, so I did not want a power struggle in my home. For another, he never wanted kids, and he's been really supportive to me as I've contended with my kids and their issues over the years.
He is settled into retirement and isn't the sort of handy, working, fixing stuff guy to have much to teach them. Spends most of his time playing around on his computer these days. All he could do is speak to them about his experience from previous times in his life, and he's a Boomer so they can be pretty dismissive of the things he's got to say about living in different times. They won't relate to him enough. They do like and "respect" him...but from a sort of polite distance.
I think that my younger son would benefit from a program like AA. There is a certain level of structure and accountability involved in that. My older son, I still think that a volunteer program would be good for him. He's got an INTENSE sense of good/bad, right/wrong...contributing to something he can morally support would really do a lot for him.
But any individual has to be willing to help themselves. To go and engage and participate. While I still want to help and all, and as I said, I don't see that changing so long as they are in hardship because I do care about them, I am well aware that I cannot live their lives for them if they won't do the work.
Just found out younger son did get the Walmart job, starts Thursday. And he and his gf have secured a short term housing situation staying with a friend for "up to about a month" just to give him time for paychecks to start coming in. So there is progress...now he just needs to take the job seriously and not call in.
I'm so glad that your son got the job at Walmart! I hope it goes well for him.
Just found out younger son did get the Walmart job, starts Thursday. And he and his gf have secured a short term housing situation staying with a friend for "up to about a month" just to give him time for paychecks to start coming in. So there is progress...now he just needs to take the job seriously and not call in.
Good for him! Now he needs to be the kind of employee that companies want to continue employing. Fortunately, it's not that hard. Show up on time. Do the work they pay you to do, plus a little extra. Treat the customers courteously and the supervisors respectfully. If he can do these things, it's likely that he'll not only be kept on the payroll, but he'll probably get promoted from time to time.
One of my kiddos has a non-verbal learning disability and can't drive - no sense of spatial awareness - at all! My worse fear is this kid would want to learn how to drive! A driver's license should not be a sign of maturity. Nothing wrong with taking public transportation!
Honestly, both of your kiddos are still young. Some kids (like mine) don't "adult" until their late twenties. I paid for an apartment for one of my kids for 18 months to help get them settled. I also sent care packages of food to both my kids. It's not enabling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
And, too, both of my sons have a support network in COS that they don't have anywhere else. People they know who will at least provide some help in a pinch. And my younger son has figured out the bus system and various welfare resources, has his therapists and med management there. Neither of them is comfortable with the idea of just walking away into a completely unknown situation.
The fact your sons have a support network and your younger son has a therapist and med management is huge! Don't discount it. It's a sure sign of maturity!
I wish you luck with your move! Your decision is for all the right reasons. I brought my retirement home with an office/second bedroom and a third bedroom upstairs. The kiddos come home for holidays and we're all comfortable. If they needed to come back, it's fine. Actually, they may come back when (us) senior citizens need help!
And, for the record: Even with everything I did for my kids, they both went back to school and have master's degrees and good paying jobs with pensions. So no damage done!
Last edited by YorktownGal; 11-29-2023 at 08:54 AM..
Good for him! Now he needs to be the kind of employee that companies want to continue employing. Fortunately, it's not that hard. Show up on time. Do the work they pay you to do, plus a little extra. Treat the customers courteously and the supervisors respectfully. If he can do these things, it's likely that he'll not only be kept on the payroll, but he'll probably get promoted from time to time.
I don't think it's that hard either, but my younger son has definitely struggled with it. I told him to go into this with a sense of realism and a determination to cope, because his alternatives are not better. He will be working at a store that's not in one of the nicer areas. It's been in the news for crime happenings in the past. And the holidays are practically here...which does mean more stress, but it also can mean extra hours and more pay. I advised him to keep a sense of humor. Every crazy customer he encounters, mentally script it into a funny story like you are preparing for a stand up routine...because that's how I cope with life, trying to keep a "one day this will be funny...why not today?" attitude. It doesn't fix everything but it can help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal
One of my kiddos has a non-verbal learning disability and can't drive - no sense of spatial awareness - at all! My worse fear is this kid would want to learn how to drive! A driver's license should not be a sign of maturity. Nothing wrong with taking public transportation!
Honestly, both of your kiddos are still young. Some kids (like mine) don't "adult" until their late twenties. I paid for an apartment for one of my kids for 18 months to help get them settled. I also sent care packages of food to both my kids. It's not enabling.
The fact your sons have a support network and your younger son has a therapist and med management is huge! Don't discount it. It's a sure sign of maturity!
I wish you luck with your move! Your decision is for all the right reasons. I brought my retirement home with an office/second bedroom and a third bedroom upstairs. The kiddos come home for holidays and we're all comfortable. If they needed to come back, it's fine. Actually, they may come back when (us) senior citizens need help!
And, for the record: Even with everything I did for my kids, they both went back to school and have master's degrees and good paying jobs with pensions. So no damage done!
I appreciate the encouragement! There really is a line for me to walk here, though. When one of the boys and both of the girlfriends have drug/alcohol habits, you do have to be careful. That's why the help I am most comfortable with, is for them to give me a way to direct-pay for something that I know is valid and important. Anything but giving them cash. Well, the older son I do trust more in that respect, but my younger son HAS lied to me about what he wanted money for, in the past.
But I try to take hope in knowing that both of them have a lot of the building blocks of character and intelligence and empathy, so perhaps the only real missing ingredient is maturity and they will find their way in time. Like both of them KNOW right from wrong, even if they don't always walk the talk.
Sadly, public transportation in Colorado Springs is not great. It has been an issue when my kid got a job that did not have standard daytime hours, the buses only run during the day and right now they have been cutting runs and routes because they have a shortage of working buses. I follow the transit authority on Facebook so I see what is going on. Some places are much easier than others, when it comes to reliable public transit. I had to learn to drive when I lived in Des Moines after moving to a point outside of their metro transit range. Both of my kids are capable of driving. Weirdly, the younger one who has a history of mental health issues took to it very naturally. The older one is so nervous behind the wheel that he really gets in his own way. I feel that he needs a lot of "parking lot practice" to get to a point where he can relax and start programming some muscle memory about how the basic functions of the car work.
I just feel really, really good about the one girlfriend's Mom having the idea to install a breathalyzer in the car before returning it to her. I will feel vastly more comfortable knowing that they aren't drunk driving.
I still kinda think that doing the apartment thing (if I can) is a good idea. It would put him in walking distance of this job and other possible jobs (in case he lost this, or for his girlfriend.) So if the weather is bad or if they break up or if the car breaks down...he could just walk a couple of blocks. And a one year lease...we should be back in Colorado then, and by that time I can evaluate where things stand as to his situation/behavior and what help I will or won't continue to give.
I don't have to decide for a couple of weeks or so...I'm delaying to give myself thinking space about it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thank you for inquiring about him. 