Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My son had orientation at Walmart yesterday. He said it went well. Then he was blowing up my phone in the middle of the night because he said he needed money to go buy some pepto, crackers, ginger ale or soup because he'd been throwing up all day. I missed the calls and texts because (as I told him when I started doing this a few years back) I put my phone on silent when I'm sleeping. I had to stop letting his crises deprive me of sleep at night.
So yet again...he gets a job and suddenly he is ill, so very ill. This has happened before, pretty much every time. Somehow he can manage to walk all over town homeless hauling a cart, but the moment he gets a job he can't get out of a bathroom? I don't even know... And this was all of 2 hours after a text saying that he wants to stop being a burden on me, he wants me to stop taking care of him and take care of myself, and he's so sorry and he loves me and he is on the right track now. It's like being jerked around like a yo-yo, fragile hope and then intense stress, over and over...for years.
But 1.) I start therapy later on this afternoon, which frankly is long overdue. 2.) I have decided to proceed with my idea of getting him an apartment as the next step in working out "a boundary I can live with." I called and a gal in the apartment office said that they should be able to work with a situation like this. So I will provide him with pretty basic shelter, in walking distance to this job and other possible places of employment...but then none of the rest is my problem. I told him, once you move into this place, don't ask me for money anymore. I won't be sending another penny. I'm paying your rent, the rest is your problem and you'll have to figure it out. Thing is, paying his rent, but nothing else, will cut the average amount I am spending "helping him" each month, approximately in half. It's still too much in a sense but it's not as bad as it's been. It does feel like a baby step in a better direction.
I told him and his girlfriend yesterday that in this apartment, if they scream at each other, they will get the cops called and there is a solid chance they get evicted for being nuisance neighbors, and if that happens, I'll be paying the rest of a lease on an apartment they can't even use and don't ask me for help...the consequences of their actions will be on them, I will only be on the hook for precisely what I agreed to and nothing more. Whether they make the best or the worst of it...it's got to be on them. I wish he'd break up with her, honestly he's in no position to take her and her problems on his plate, but you can't tell young people not to be together, it never works.
So yet again...he gets a job and suddenly he is ill, so very ill. This has happened before, pretty much every time. Somehow he can manage to walk all over town homeless hauling a cart, but the moment he gets a job he can't get out of a bathroom? I don't even know....
Honestly, vomiting sounds like nerves - he's so afraid of failing that he vomits.
The short answer: Yes. Your brain and digestive system are connected and when your body goes into an anxious state (also called your fight-or-flight response), it triggers some changes in your body, including your digestive system. This can sometimes result in an upset stomach or feeling nauseous. Oct 19, 2023
There are lots of links on how to manage it.
Last edited by YorktownGal; 12-09-2023 at 08:38 AM..
Honestly, vomiting sounds like nerves - he's so afraid of failing that he vomits.
The short answer: Yes. Your brain and digestive system are connected and when your body goes into an anxious state (also called your fight-or-flight response), it triggers some changes in your body, including your digestive system. This can sometimes result in an upset stomach or feeling nauseous. Oct 19, 2023
There are lots of links on how to manage it.
Yeah, that was my first thought too. I've sometimes tossed my cookies when I'm particularly anxious about something. One simply has to power through it. Clean yourself up, sip some water and maybe eat some apple sauce to soothe your stomach, then go and face the thing that's causing the stress. Once he starts working and sees that his fears are overblown, he and his stomach will likely settle down.
My son had orientation at Walmart yesterday. He said it went well. Then he was blowing up my phone in the middle of the night because he said he needed money to go buy some pepto, crackers, ginger ale or soup because he'd been throwing up all day. I missed the calls and texts because (as I told him when I started doing this a few years back) I put my phone on silent when I'm sleeping. I had to stop letting his crises deprive me of sleep at night.
So yet again...he gets a job and suddenly he is ill, so very ill. This has happened before, pretty much every time. Somehow he can manage to walk all over town homeless hauling a cart, but the moment he gets a job he can't get out of a bathroom? I don't even know... And this was all of 2 hours after a text saying that he wants to stop being a burden on me, he wants me to stop taking care of him and take care of myself, and he's so sorry and he loves me and he is on the right track now. It's like being jerked around like a yo-yo, fragile hope and then intense stress, over and over...for years.
But 1.) I start therapy later on this afternoon, which frankly is long overdue. 2.) I have decided to proceed with my idea of getting him an apartment as the next step in working out "a boundary I can live with." I called and a gal in the apartment office said that they should be able to work with a situation like this. So I will provide him with pretty basic shelter, in walking distance to this job and other possible places of employment...but then none of the rest is my problem. I told him, once you move into this place, don't ask me for money anymore. I won't be sending another penny. I'm paying your rent, the rest is your problem and you'll have to figure it out. Thing is, paying his rent, but nothing else, will cut the average amount I am spending "helping him" each month, approximately in half. It's still too much in a sense but it's not as bad as it's been. It does feel like a baby step in a better direction.
I told him and his girlfriend yesterday that in this apartment, if they scream at each other, they will get the cops called and there is a solid chance they get evicted for being nuisance neighbors, and if that happens, I'll be paying the rest of a lease on an apartment they can't even use and don't ask me for help...the consequences of their actions will be on them, I will only be on the hook for precisely what I agreed to and nothing more. Whether they make the best or the worst of it...it's got to be on them. I wish he'd break up with her, honestly he's in no position to take her and her problems on his plate, but you can't tell young people not to be together, it never works.
The first week or so of training at Walmart involves sitting at a computer and doing training modules. There is nothing stressful about it. He won't even start working in his position until after he gets through those modules. By the time he actually starts to do his job, he will have a good general overview of the store.
Please reassure him that he will be o.k. If he has a problem with the computer or the module he's doing there will be someone there to assist him - it's o.k. to ask questions. It's not stressful but it can be boring to do those modules, by the time you get through them you WANT to do your job, lol. Walmart actually does a pretty good with on the job training. His supervisor and coworkers will help him.
If he has to pop tums and take Pepto Bismal at first he can do that. Whatever he needs to do.
The first week or so of training at Walmart involves sitting at a computer and doing training modules. There is nothing stressful about it. He won't even start working in his position until after he gets through those modules. By the time he actually starts to do his job, he will have a good general overview of the store.
Please reassure him that he will be o.k. If he has a problem with the computer or the module he's doing there will be someone there to assist him - it's o.k. to ask questions. It's not stressful but it can be boring to do those modules, by the time you get through them you WANT to do your job, lol. Walmart actually does a pretty good with on the job training. His supervisor and coworkers will help him.
If he has to pop tums and take Pepto Bismal at first he can do that. Whatever he needs to do.
Yeah, he knows all about it, he has worked at Walmart before. He actually said that he enjoyed working there, and at Amazon. Yet he still left those jobs or called in and wound up fired.
At this point I simply have no idea what he will or won't do (let alone what this girlfriend will or won't do) and I can't control any of that. Gf's mom, and my ex, both asked me what conditions I was putting on paying the rent. I'm like...I live in another state, how would I expect to enforce any "conditions?" Besides which, I have seen too many instances with other relatives of people giving gifts or loans with big strings attached, which was just non stop resentment and ruining to relationships. I don't want to deal with anything of the sort.
I know what I WANT him to do, sure. And he knows it. But I don't see my help of him as being intended for leverage to try and force him to do this or that. I don't think that there's any point.
I don't think that he's got any anxiety about being able to do the work. I think it's just that he feels like people are watching and judging him.
Yeah, he knows all about it, he has worked at Walmart before. He actually said that he enjoyed working there, and at Amazon. Yet he still left those jobs or called in and wound up fired.
At this point I simply have no idea what he will or won't do (let alone what this girlfriend will or won't do) and I can't control any of that. Gf's mom, and my ex, both asked me what conditions I was putting on paying the rent. I'm like...I live in another state, how would I expect to enforce any "conditions?" Besides which, I have seen too many instances with other relatives of people giving gifts or loans with big strings attached, which was just non stop resentment and ruining to relationships. I don't want to deal with anything of the sort.
I know what I WANT him to do, sure. And he knows it. But I don't see my help of him as being intended for leverage to try and force him to do this or that. I don't think that there's any point.
I don't think that he's got any anxiety about being able to do the work. I think it's just that he feels like people are watching and judging him.
I think you just need to have faith that your son will handle his job. He chose to go back to his former employer and they hired him back without reservation so he must have done a decent job for them. Now he just needs to show up for work or he won't have any money to buy groceries.
He either makes this work or he goes to whatever Plan B he might have in mind.
I understand your frustration and why you are worried that he's not going to hold onto this job. I totally get that. But you have absolutely zero control over what he does. You only control what you do.
You have offered your son this apartment to live in while he gets himself back on his feet. That was a very generous of you. It is now up to him to get himself back on his feet. You can't do it for him.
Your son will either consider your generosity a helping hand on a path to adulthood or see it as a place to stay, solving his most pressing problem on a path to continue the same unacceptable behavior. Shouldn't take more than a couple months for that path to be determined.
Here's where I come in...I am the cash cow. ... But in terms of cash assistance I've given my son (and by extension his girlfriend)...it has run just over $2,000 this month. And the worst part for me is that it feels wasted because their situation is not better, it's arguably been getting worse.
I just cannot bring myself to cut him off. I am literally afraid that if I do, he will die.
Your son is literally afraid that if you cut him off, he will have to get a job.
***
There are people who cannot work because of severe physical disabilities. Others cannot work because of severe mental disabilities such as severe mental retardation and severe autism.
Thankfully, your sons do not appear to have such limitations.
For your sons, hunger should become a powerful motivator.
For at least one of your sons (possibly both), they might do well to visit the local Army/Navy/Air Force Recruiter. They may learn a trade as well as important life skills.
Your son is literally afraid that if you cut him off, he will have to get a job.
***
There are people who cannot work because of severe physical disabilities. Others cannot work because of severe mental disabilities such as severe mental retardation and severe autism.
Thankfully, your sons do not appear to have such limitations.
For your sons, hunger should become a powerful motivator.
For at least one of your sons (possibly both), they might do well to visit the local Army/Navy/Air Force Recruiter. They may learn a trade as well as important life skills.
I wish that were possible for my younger one. It was the only environment in which his father was able to thrive (highly structured, more controls on his behavior)... But that kid was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder, which is like schizophrenia lite plus anxiety and depression. He was intensely paranoid and delusional, he'd sit there for hours spinning out fragmented and barely coherent speech and thought that people were watching him and after him and so on. We finally found an anti-psychotic med that has really made all the difference, and he is functional on it.
The recruiter said he'd have to go off his medication for six months to enlist. If he goes off his meds, he reverts to "I am a primordial dragon and that's why the FBI has sent observers to watch me." So that's not a good idea.
Not sure about hunger as a motivator. When my younger son went to Job Corps, when they did his intake, he was malnourished and underweight. He had been using money he asked for, "for food", to buy cigarettes, alcohol and weed, and was also donating plasma whenever he could for the same.
My older son refuses to consider joining the military. He's got his reasons. I've kept wondering how long his girlfriend will tolerate having to support him. He has had jobs, the last one he got fired from because he was working alone in the store and a dude had his car jacked and stolen right out in the parking lot, and he stepped out and locked the store to wait with the guy while he called the cops and to give a witness statement...his boss saw on the camera that he locked up and was outside and didn't care why, and canned him. He says he's been applying all over the area at various places and that he thinks no one will hire him because he got fired from his last job. But I have a hard time believing that's true. I think he's maybe applying here and there but mostly playing video games and watching anime. But he doesn't ask me for nearly as much as his brother does, so he is relatively less of a weight on my shoulders.
He has had jobs, the last one he got fired from because he was working alone in the store and a dude had his car jacked and stolen right out in the parking lot, and he stepped out and locked the store to wait with the guy while he called the cops and to give a witness statement...his boss saw on the camera that he locked up and was outside and didn't care why, and canned him.
Your son did the right thing. That manager will get what his actions deserve, sooner or later.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
