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I’d like to hear from a self identifying incel on this topic. Do you feel hated? Rejected? How do you handle this?
Well how long without sex does it take to be an incel?
...but, for a long time I have felt undesirable. I cry myself to sleep some nights. I don't deal with it very well, except to just put myself in places where it's out of sight out of mind. Like, walking through Washington Square Park on a Saturday evening is a dumb idea because you'll see like 20 couples randomly all making out.
I guess my coping mechanism is that I was several times I am blessed to say, in a relationship, and I was one of said couples and, I can do so again if I work on my body and, my cheer. Women kinda like fit, but they love cheer, and rightly so.
The bad cycle is the longer one is lonely, the less cheerful they might be and, I start thinking things like:
"Is something really wrong with me?"
"If there is, why would I burden some innocent woman with my baggage."
"I can't so easily pretend to be happy if I'm not, If I do then I'm just a liar."
I can only speak for myself, I ain't ever actually mad at women for this. Perhaps I am being naive when I hypothesize that many "incels" feel the same ...or maybe they really are just a bunch of fetish weirdos who think women are sex objects and absolutely nothing more.
Now some dudes will talk about how they wish they could tie b-----s up, or convert to some religion where a "No" is not allowed from women, or some really bloody desires ...that is iredeemably messed up.
First of all, you may have met "a lot" of incels over the past 15 years. You may also think that those you met were only "average frustrated young men..." who have "decent personalities".
But are you sitting next to them while they're on their laptop spewing garbage toward the women who aren't interested in them? Do you see them writing words such as "wh*res" and/or "b*tches" when referring to the women who aren't interested in having sex with them?
These men refer to themselves as "incels" for a reason; they're involuntarily celibate. That is, they want to have SEX. They're more interested in sex than in a relationship (and probably come across that way IRL) Otherwise, they could simply call themselves "relationship-challenged", if it's a RELATIONSHIP they want.
From my experience, most of these guys are not merely "frustrated"; they're downright angry.
And yes, there are a number of women who have given up on relationships, especially OLD. The most common reason is...are you ready for it?...that the majority of men they've met OLD are looking for sex.
So, trying to pair a woman up--who is NOT looking for mainly sex--with an incel--who IS looking for mainly sex--seems pretty obvious why it wouldn't work.
As a woman who a) doesn’t date and b) has been the recipient of some disturbing text messages because I didn’t respond appropriately to a coworker’s unwanted advances, I can confirm that setting us up would not end well. I am VOLUNTARILY out of the dating market because I Find that I am happier alone than with someone I don’t like.
Well how long without sex does it take to be an incel?
...but, for a long time I have felt undesirable. I cry myself to sleep some nights. I don't deal with it very well, except to just put myself in places where it's out of sight out of mind. Like, walking through Washington Square Park on a Saturday evening is a dumb idea because you'll see like 20 couples randomly all making out.
I guess my coping mechanism is that I was several times I am blessed to say, in a relationship, and I was one of said couples and, I can do so again if I work on my body and, my cheer. Women kinda like fit, but they love cheer, and rightly so.
The bad cycle is the longer one is lonely, the less cheerful they might be and, I start thinking things like:
"Is something really wrong with me?"
"If there is, why would I burden some innocent woman with my baggage."
"I can't so easily pretend to be happy if I'm not, If I do then I'm just a liar."
I can only speak for myself, I ain't ever actually mad at women for this. Perhaps I am being naive when I hypothesize that many "incels" feel the same ...or maybe they really are just a bunch of fetish weirdos who think women are sex objects and absolutely nothing more.
Now some dudes will talk about how they wish they could tie b-----s up, or convert to some religion where a "No" is not allowed from women, or some really bloody desires ...that is iredeemably messed up.
So, the term "incel" seems innocuous enough - involuntarily celibate. But not everyone who is involuntarily celibate is an incel.
Do I have sympathy for people feel unfulfilled romantically? Absolutely. I have a dear friend who is funny, well-educated, and successful. He also has very high standards for who he dates (I would and have argued with him that they're too high) and can come across as very, very intense. He's also a bit of an Eeyore personality. As a result, he did not have sex in the first 5 years I knew him. He ended up in a relationship where I felt like he settled because she ticked the boxes on paper, but she recently dumped him suddenly and he finally admitted that she was emotionally distant their entire relationship. He's now in his late 30s and isn't sure if or when he'll date again. One might have thought he was incel, but not at all! He does not translate his problems with himself into a problem with women. He is a great friend to me, a woman, and does not blame women overall for his issues. He does not wallow in fantasies of power over women who are not as interested in him as he is of them.
It sounds like you are in a similar boat. That's not an incel.
Incels blame women as a whole on their problems. They often seek out communities of incels to further fall into an echo chamber where women are blamed for everything. It might start as general negativity toward "western women" who they want to date. Then they start to hate their mom, even in cases where they are living in their mom's house because women make them too nervous to work. The echo chamber continues to promote a lack of responsibility (in achievement, personal hygiene, behavior) and a growing dysfunctional relationship with all women. This can include fantasies of violence and, in some cases, acting on it.
As a woman who has encountered that kind of incel misogyny while dating, including in one case someone finding my inactive profile on a dating site and then calling my boss when I didn't respond to him, it's hard to have sympathy for people who do not take responsibility for themselves.
Clarify how incel and misogynistic are not the same?
As a human I find no glory in knowing someone influenced this person with a foundation of hatred and physical harm.
All Incels do not likely start as misogynists
Many misogynists are not incels
i agree the physical harm and other hatred they spew should be curbed but if the underlying cause of this is being celibate then should we not fix that issue ?
So, the term "incel" seems innocuous enough - involuntarily celibate. But not everyone who is involuntarily celibate is an incel.
Do I have sympathy for people feel unfulfilled romantically? Absolutely. I have a dear friend who is funny, well-educated, and successful. He also has very high standards for who he dates (I would and have argued with him that they're too high) and can come across as very, very intense. He's also a bit of an Eeyore personality. As a result, he did not have sex in the first 5 years I knew him. He ended up in a relationship where I felt like he settled because she ticked the boxes on paper, but she recently dumped him suddenly and he finally admitted that she was emotionally distant their entire relationship. He's now in his late 30s and isn't sure if or when he'll date again. One might have thought he was incel, but not at all! He does not translate his problems with himself into a problem with women. He is a great friend to me, a woman, and does not blame women overall for his issues. He does not wallow in fantasies of power over women who are not as interested in him as he is of them.
It sounds like you are in a similar boat. That's not an incel.
Incels blame women as a whole on their problems. They often seek out communities of incels to further fall into an echo chamber where women are blamed for everything. It might start as general negativity toward "western women" who they want to date. Then they start to hate their mom, even in cases where they are living in their mom's house because women make them too nervous to work. The echo chamber continues to promote a lack of responsibility (in achievement, personal hygiene, behavior) and a growing dysfunctional relationship with all women. This can include fantasies of violence and, in some cases, acting on it.
As a woman who has encountered that kind of incel misogyny while dating, including in one case someone finding my inactive profile on a dating site and then calling my boss when I didn't respond to him, it's hard to have sympathy for people who do not take responsibility for themselves.
yes that sounds like narcissist personality disorder in this individual who stalked you
but regardless this is a mental health issue at the heart of this and should be treated as such
All Incels do not likely start as misogynists
Many misogynists are not incels
i agree the physical harm and other hatred they spew should be curbed but if the underlying cause of this is being celibate then should we not fix that issue ?
Ha. Really?
You honestly believe that the CAUSE is that they are celibate? What rubbish.
And just how would "we fix it"? Who are "we" and why should I care about their lack of sex? People have a lot bigger problems in life than that.
The cause is that they are selfish idiots. They don't deserve a relationship because they are clueless how to earn a woman's attention.
If it's a disfigured humble lonely guy, that's a bit different, but it's still his lot in life and he has to live with it, not get angry and go online and start whining about it.
Success is in attitude, and so is failure.
These guys are entitled to nothing.
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