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I equate a senior living facility to the human society. It's getting rid of something no longer wanting to care for.
I'm not saying there isn't a time or place for a nursing home, but the man having an accident is what tipped the OP over the edge.
Yet you're ready to ship the man off.
Then you don't know much. What kind of facility do you think people who live in a mobile home can afford?
it's not what THEY can afford it's what HE can afford. And who says that children have to care for parents once they cant care for themselves? That imo is very selfish.
"oh honey I know we've saved and saved to take that cruise but who will watch Dad, youre right we'll stay home"
"Wanna catch a movie and dinner tonight? Oh yeah no one to give Dad his medicine"
Why should somone have to put their life on hold for their parents. Yes the parent took care of the child but thats because that parent made the CHOICE to have and raise a child. What choice does the child have when it comes to elderly parents?
Which is why I was TRYING to not get into this with YOU because you believe you are right and I believe I am right. What's us arguing back and forth helping the OP? So just let it go. Jeesh.
Re-read the OP's post. he states for 3 years they have been caring for the gentleman. His wife is in constant pain from back injuries, probably aggravated daily by bathing her father etc. He is asking for opinions and suggestions on how to manage this situation. Several of us have posted home health care, etc. No one mentioned or equated this man to a dog being put to sleep, except you. Please settle down. Caring for a senior family member when you are not healthy is not doing the best for either person. I feel for you OP, this is a real tragic situation. There are senior service agencies that can help you and your wife and your Father-in-law reach a viable, workable solution. You might check for the listing in your area, and start there.
My grandfather and grandmother both lived with us when I was in high school and college. We were very fortunate that we had many hands to make light work of the insulin shots, accident clean up, food prep... I feel for the OP.
One factor that many people don't consider when considering the question is how the decision impacts the sense of dignity in the family member under care.
Both of my grandparents were terrified of being put in a home in which their position would be that of some piece of furniture to be polished by the help. It felt like an affront to their dignity FAR more to be considered throw away than was the fact that their body sometimes failed them in the area of cleanliness. It was an affront to their dignity far more that their feelings might be considered less important than our convenience.
Just a thought.
SailorDave, tough choice. Whatever choice you make, I hope you can find a solution that works for all three of you.
Your family, and Grandparents were fortunate. This situation does not seem to have support from other family, and an ailing wife trying to do the caregiving. You are right though, it is a devastating situation for all.
it's not what THEY can afford it's what HE can afford. And who says that children have to care for parents once they cant care for themselves? That imo is very selfish.
"oh honey I know we've saved and saved to take that cruise but who will watch Dad, youre right we'll stay home"
Human dignity of a loved and cared for family member <balance> a cruise.
Long story short. Married wife almost 6 years ago. About three years ago her dad was moved in with us do to his declining health related to his age (now 86 years old). We live in a tiny 14 feet by 48 feet two bedroom one bath mobile home. He's on home oxygen, blood thinners, and has the shakes.
Today was the worst. He'd just finished eating when he got up and hurried (his shuffling speed for hurrying) towards the hall. We heard a noise and saw he had the runs and was now tracking it all the way down our carpeted hallway to the bathroom. My wife has multiple spinal problems and is in constant pain. She got him into the shower to wash him and put his clothes to wash. I picked up as much as I could then used the Resolve carpet cleaner and scrubbed on my hands and knees the length of the hall. Though much better, I could tell there was no way to get all of it up with what we have at home. To make it worse, I leave for work soon for my 3pm to 11pm shift at the hospital leaving her alone here. My wife refuses to consider putting him in a home but if her physical condition gets much worse she may not have a choice. What is most frustrating is she has a brother and sister who each live in a large home with a spare bedroom and neither will take him in to care for him. I love my wife and respect my father-in-law (we both served in the Navy, him in Pearl Harbor as a hospital corpsman receiving the dead and wounded of WW2 and myself as a machinist mate working the engine room of a steam driven ship in Desert Storm). But I feel as if I'm getting close to the limit of what I can take. Any advice? Oh, my wife and I are 43.
This is one of the hardest parts of life. Taking care of, and especially seeing your parents in decline. I agree with other posters that there needs to be some help, whether it is with home health care or through the VA.
If your wife has spine problems, they can become worse, and be exacerbated by lifting, pulling, bending and carrying--All things that need to be done while taking care of someone. At this time her father can still walk. That is great, if this ability diminishes, and he requires help to and from a bed or chair, your wife will be unable to take care of him alone, without injuring herself.
Her father's care is also the responsibility of her siblings. It will be hard but I feel that you should encourage her to insist that they pitch in, with money for a senior sitter, if not actual hands on care, also they should visit him regularly.
Her family might not realize that it is such a problem--they may think that your wife has it all in hand. I know from experience. While helping my mother, with my 89 year old (former carreer marine), I had to call all my brothers and let them know the facts. I insisted that they come and relieve her at least one weekend a month each. They did not know how much work it was until they were alone with him. They were not selfishly leaving everything up to mom and me, they just didn't realize they were needed in that way.
Hopefully her siblings will step up and do their duty. It can be a very close -loving experience for both father and daughter. Ultimately my father had to go into a care facility, and then hospice, but we had had that time together at home. We were all with him when he passed at the hospice house.
it's not what THEY can afford it's what HE can afford. And who says that children have to care for parents once they cant care for themselves? That imo is very selfish.
"oh honey I know we've saved and saved to take that cruise but who will watch Dad, youre right we'll stay home"
"Wanna catch a movie and dinner tonight? Oh yeah no one to give Dad his medicine"
Why should somone have to put their life on hold for their parents. Yes the parent took care of the child but thats because that parent made the CHOICE to have and raise a child. What choice does the child have when it comes to elderly parents?
Which is why I was TRYING to not get into this with YOU because you believe you are right and I believe I am right. What's us arguing back and forth helping the OP? So just let it go. Jeesh.
I do not believe that anyone should put their lives on hold to care for their parents. Hopefully the parents have saved and have the resources to help pay for some of their care, and if not there are services that can help.
No caregiver should have to be responsible 24/7 for years, with no breaks, no dinners out and no saved for cruises. That is being irresponsible with your own life. Most parents would not want a child to put their lives totally on hold.
Some elderly choose to go into assisted living or senior living apartments themselves. Some elderly refuse to move to where their grown children are living, and making a living. If that is their choice, then they will have to be in some kind of assisted living. A child should not have to give up their job and home to care for a parent. Not many parents would expect that anyway.
I feel that an adult child should do all that they can to make the end of their parent's lives happy and comfortable.
Thank you funisart for putting the Op's issue back into the thread
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a challenge
