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Re-read the OP's post. he states for 3 years they have been caring for the gentleman. His wife is in constant pain from back injuries, probably aggravated daily by bathing her father etc. He is asking for opinions and suggestions on how to manage this situation. Several of us have posted home health care, etc. No one mentioned or equated this man to a dog being put to sleep, except you. Please settle down. Caring for a senior family member when you are not healthy is not doing the best for either person. I feel for you OP, this is a real tragic situation. There are senior service agencies that can help you and your wife and your Father-in-law reach a viable, workable solution. You might check for the listing in your area, and start there.
It's really sad that you don't see how self centered you are. Few people would dare to even think the thoughts you post.
Nobody is forcing you to respond.
Actually, you would see many of these thoughts posted on an elderly care message board - where people who have been taking care of an elder for years - go to vent. Yes, people do think these kinds of things from time to time; it's quite common. Elder care can certainly wear a person down - especially if it's only ONE person doing all the care. It can lead to severe depression - depending on how it impacts your life.
OhioChic is voicing things that I have heard many times. It does not mean that the elder is not loved. It does not mean that the elder will be 'tossed' into a nursing home. It is the voice of the despair that, at times, one can feel in the situation.
Folks, let's talk about the topic, not each other....
SailorDave, your father needs some assistance with daily activities of living, moving, bathing, etc. With your wife's medical problems, you need to have some in-home assistance. You can't quit your job to take care of him, someone has to pay the bills. Being he is a Vet, he may qualify for some help through the VA, start there. If not there, you may have to pay for it out of pocket, which is expensive. Since the siblings are not willing to take him in, maybe they will help pay for extra care. Seek out a senior ombudsman in your area. They have all kinds of information and resources to help in situations like this. I also have to agree that if he has lingering bowel/bladder problems, Depends are in order. I am sure HE is embarrassed by the situation as well. If you don't want to buy them in the store, sign up for Amazon Prime, free 2 day shipping for all kinds of things and have them mailed to your home.
As for those not wanting to live in an assisted living facility or a nursing home, go tour some and then tell me the same thing. Most assisted living facilities are BEAUTIFUL. Not only do they have help as needed but there are social activities for the elderly that are just as important as getting medical help. I would NEVER want to put my children in the situation that Sailor Dave is in right now--and have long term care insurance to make sure that never happens.
OK, got a few minutes here to give more details. Was trying to be brief in my initial post. When FIL moved in, I installed a handle to help him get in and out of the tub/shower, a handrail in the shower, and handrails on the sides of the toilet. He can step in and out of the shower on his own. We also have a shower chair and shower head on a hose. All of this makes it easier for my wife to bathe him. He's had accidents before while I was at work but he managed to make it to the bathroom (no carpet) before. He has worn Depends before but hates to wear them out of pride. He walks with a 4 legged cane when in the house. When going to the doctor, he has a rollator. We do have a walker in the house but the doors inside are so narrow he has to walk sideways to get through the door. The walker was my wife's following her last spinal surgery. We try to share the house work. If her pain is too great, she knows she can ask and I'll do it for her. Currently once a week I do the bedding, vaccuum, sweep/mop, high dusting, and my own laundry. I also do the heavy grocery shopping (sodas, bottled water, milk) along with whatever else is on the list. She washes her and her dad's clothes and towels, low dusting, sweeping, the cooking (she's almost OCD when it comes to how food is cooked), and we share in the dishes (either one or both of us does them). At age 13 she was diagnosed with S curve scoliosis and a rod inserted. At 16 the doctor took the rod out and her spine has been curving ever since. Her last spinal surgery was for a ruptured disc. Instead of inserting a fake disc, they put four screws and two rods to keep her spine together. She has multiple bulging disc, narrowing of the spinal column, nerve damage to her back from the surgeries, shooting pain from her left hip down her left leg, arthritis in her left knee and neck, shooting pain down her right arm, and numbness/tingling feeling when touching her thumb and index fingers together on her right hand. To bathe him, she had him undress and step into the shower. She then used the hand held shower to rinse him. No big strain on her spine. Wednesday she gets the results of her latest MRI on her neck. I don't discuss her options about her father between her and her brothers and sisters. I do try to politely make my feelings known. She has another brother and sister bit one lives in another state and the other lives alone drinking beer as well as smoking cigarettes and pot. None of which is a good thing for trying to care for him and his many medications that have to be closly measured and given at the right time. When my work schedule allows it, I take him to his Coumadin checks. I work rotating shifts in a hospital boiler room. My shift rotation starts on Tuesday 11pm-7am 7 days straight, 2 days off, Thursday 3pm-11pm 7 days straight, 2 days off, Saturday 7am-3pm 6 days straight, 4 days off (our one Saturday and Sunday off a month), then start the rotation all over again. A few weeks ago we tried to buy a large two bedroom two bath mobile home. Though we were approved, we knew we couldn't afford the monthly payments with our medical bills. I bought this home when I was single and thought i'd be alone for the rest of my life. My wife use to work but is on such strong pain medication she would not be able to work. She use to do child care. One family she worked for was former a former Louisiana congressman. She also worked to care for her aunt (over 90 years and went to "finishing school") but that was before the pain got to this point. Have to go now. Boiler in another building needs to be restarted again.
Last edited by sailordave; 01-02-2012 at 03:52 PM..
Not enough info from the OP. I think he may just be venting after a bad day.
I am sure the father gets SS and most people that age get pensions. What happened to his home? Home health aides are not that much. Insurance may pay. I see many ads for independant aides. They have to be checked out thoroughly but will be cheaper.
Remember to buy Depends a size bigger than you think the person is. Throw a few mothballs in the garbage with them.
Oh, and we were planning a trip to Disney World but canceled the plans due to his care. She was going to rent a scooter chair and avoid the fast rough rides.
Oh, and we were planning a trip to Disney World but canceled the plans due to his care. She was going to rent a scooter chair and avoid the fast rough rides.
This scene is played out in families everywhere. There's a bunch we don't know about this situation. As people get older, adult diapers are just one of the many things that are needed. Many questions have to be answered as to when a loved one needs to go to a nursing home. Being a caregiver is tough on everyone, especially when you still have the responsibility of raising your family and earning an income. All you can do is the best that you can and continue to support and communicate with your wife. You do need to make sure that your wife is physically able to deal with her father. Good luck with what is a very difficult time.
SailorDave, you and your Wife deserve awards for your dedication and caring. You are so busy, I hope you have time to read the responses that apply to your question. Your wife and Father-n-law are lucky to have you. The advice given by golfgal puts it in a nut shell. Please take care of each other too.
Sailordave, you and your wife rock! I'm so sorry you find yourselves in this dilemna. As golfgal suggested, PLEASE look into the VA and see if there are some in-home-care options available to you. Perhaps YOU could have a discussion with your FIL about the depends....the pull-up style. Sd, you guys NEED to get help. It just ticks me off that other family members are so self-centered that they don't see how difficult this is for you and your wife. Are they really so ignorant that they can't see the danger your wife is putting herself (and their father) in by doing this!? One fall with him and Sd, they BOTH could end up in the hospital and LTC.
With your wife's spinal condition, all it would take is your FIL losing his balance and coming down on her once. At his age, he is at risk for hip fractures, not to mention the fact that he's taking blood thinners. If they both went down, there is a distinct possibility that he could bleed out, before any help arrived. FIL needs to understand these risks. This is his DAUGHTER! He needs to be made aware of just how fragile they both are.
I truly hope that if he continues to live with you, he WILL agree to start wearing pullups AND you are able to get some in home care....not just for your FIL, but for your wife as well. Bless you both. It's amazing how perfectly able-bodied children can't be bothered with taking care of their elderly parents and yet folks like you.... you step up to the task. ((((((HUGS)))))) Get some help Sd...please. It's out there and it might take a little doing, but it's there. Bless you!
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