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Just looked up a aging support organization. Have written them an email, printed out an application form, and also sent a link to the website to my wife's email for her to check it out when she has time. Will find out details of the services they offer. A few of the services would really help, especially the wellness which is like exercises for him to improve his mobility. January 1, 2012 I restarted an old exercise program that really worked for me when I was doing them many years ago. This is to help me build physical strength and endurance to help out around more even after a long day at work. This program is older than my FIL. It's the old Charles Atlas Dynamic Tension program. I can't always get to the hospital's gym but I can do these exercises at home and at work. Will still go to the hospital's gym for the treadmill and stationary bike. My membership is only about $24 a month. Will look to get a product to help get the carpet cleaner after yesterday's accident.
Just looked up a aging support organization. Have written them an email, printed out an application form, and also sent a link to the website to my wife's email for her to check it out when she has time. Will find out details of the services they offer. A few of the services would really help, especially the wellness which is like exercises for him to improve his mobility. January 1, 2012 I restarted an old exercise program that really worked for me when I was doing them many years ago. This is to help me build physical strength and endurance to help out around more even after a long day at work. This program is older than my FIL. It's the old Charles Atlas Dynamic Tension program. I can't always get to the hospital's gym but I can do these exercises at home and at work. Will still go to the hospital's gym for the treadmill and stationary bike. My membership is only about $24 a month. Will look to get a product to help get the carpet cleaner after yesterday's accident.
I really feel for you. I care for my mother. Luckily she is able to stay at home alone during the day, and she is mostly independent. She also helps out a little (with the dishes). But I see her slowly becoming less independent. Her attitude doesn't help herself or th situation either. I have two kids (single parent), one of them special needs. At one time, I was also caring for my father as he was dying of cancer. My sibling had promised to care for my dad; that didn't happen. I won't go into any more details; this is your thread. But I wanted you to know that even with values, good intentions and the neverending "shoulds," it's not easy. Good for you for being strong.
Oh, and try a gallon of Odoban (eucalyptus scent) for the carpet. I put it in the carpet cleaner, diluted with water. I've also been known to toss a little bleach in the mix too, just enough to not ruin the carpet. If you can pick up a carpet cleaner from a thrift store, that would be a big help.
Ah, I feel for you. My husband and I cared for my father as well, he had Alzheimer's. Indeed as mentioned get the money. It's not the point of making it worth the job but it will get expensive from here on out. Depends are very pricey at 15 to 20 dollars a pack and they only last a couple of days toward the end, wipes, bedding pads, diaper rash meds, etc. A potty chair next to him might be necessary eventually and your wife will need some help down the road, at least to take a break and get out of the home for an hour. These things add up, not to mention cleaning products, linen.
At the end, about a week before he past we put him in a nursing home. He was refusing food and starving to death in front of me and I had children at home at the time. It was excruciating to watch. I was glad I took care of him, and can live with no regret and he died with dignity. My husband was wonderful through the whole thing even though I know it had to be extremely hard on him. I will never forget his support.
Try and make sure the food he gets doesn't cause loose stools. Try a banana a day. He might only have had an accident because of this. It may not be frequent. Diapers are not any easier, they leak and adult messes take a lot of wipes not to mention it's embarrassing for him. The hardest part was when he was apologizing to me while changing him. I'm starting to tear thinking of it now.
I would also have your wife formulate a letter to her siblings asking for donations for a carpet cleaner, diapers, etc. She could also request a visit every once in a while so that you and your wife could get out for a bit. I was the youngest of six and they didn't help me either. They didn't even call much. That's common to put it all on one sibling. You could probably take them to court and split it but what an ordeal that would be.
Good Luck! It's a hard road and I'm sure your wife needs you right now more than ever and will be thankful for the support you seem to already give to her until the end! I know it's hard to watch her in pain but she will know when she can accept the nursing home option. I did.
My wife is also the youngest. She has two older brothers and two older sisters. One brother and one sister have never been to our home. The brother lives on the east coast but did come for our wedding. The sister lives 15 miles away and her husband is in a local town elected office.
When you do have to put your FIL into a nursing home, make sure it is in the town where you SIL and her elected husband lives. That way they will have to participate, others would know if they did not. And, just like smiling, breeds more smiling, before long they might begin to get more out of visiting and the connection, than the Father.
So sorry you're having such a hard time. This is the start of year 4 with mom and dad in our home.
There seem to be several things you should look into. I'm not sure if your father is on medicare or medicaid. If his income is low - you should be working to qualify him for medicaid. Medicaid's benefit for at home care is more generous than Medicare. In medicaid now has a mandate (though not all states follow it) to offer more at home care choices, rather than institutional ones.
Something else to look into is the VA "Aid and Attendance" benefit. Your father will qualify as far as service goes, since he served during war time.
Its a lot of paperwork, but if you can show that he spends most of his income now on health care, he'll qualify for an additional stipend to help cover the costs of health care.
elder care lawyers can help you with both of these things, but, as I'm sure you know - lawyers do not work for free.
For your wife - is she on disability?? Seems like if she's on extensive pain medicines for her disability and unable to work - she should be able to qualify for disability (SSDI). Check into that, as again, extra monetary resources never hurt.
Personally, we have a home health aide who helps my parents about 8 hours a day, while I'm at work. We pay the going Craig's List rate - which is $9-11/hour in my part of the country. Of course that means we're also liable for worker's comp and tax expenses. If you privately hire someone through an agency - the agency will take care of taxes, etc..
But your better bet is to get medicaid approval if its an option. You can then hire through the agencies, and medicaid will take care of the billing.
Home health aides can help with anything not "skilled". So, transferrring, hygeine (toileting, bathing, etc..), feeding, preparing meals. Basically they are to assist with "ADL" (activities of daily living) that your FIL can no longer do for yourself. They are not supposed to do actual medical procedures, or usually do anything with medicine (preparation / dosing)
There are a lot of agencies out there, some which might help you with home modifications (grab bars, commodes, ramps if it comes to that) .. check with your local county Human Health and Services department. Usually the same department that deals with children's welfare - they'll have a separate branch that deals with elder affairs.
Good luck to you. Mom and Dad (bed bound, but totally mentally competent) are on year 4 with us. Yes, we do go out do dinner, and to the movies, and we've even gone away for the weekend. But - you have to make sure you have other assistance (our latest aide is wonderful!), and make sure that your FIL is not going to cause harm to himself or the home if left on his own.
What is most frustrating is she has a brother and sister who each live in a large home with a spare bedroom and neither will take him in to care for him.
Taking in that aspect of the situation, you might check into the Filial Responsibility Laws for your state. More state agencies are pressing the children of elderly citizens to pony up at least financially for the care of their aged parents. If your in-laws will not physically contribute to his care, they should chip in on the expenses.
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