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Another thing. I'm sick and tired of seeing only women caring for everyone.
Are men such selfish, irresponsible creatures that they will go to any lengths to pretend they just can't care for others? It's bs. Time for men to pull their own weight.
I have a friend whose husband was living a normal life at the beginning of the year. He went on a trip and ended up having to come home because of unbearable pain. Long story short - he's been in and out of three hospitals, had two surgeries, and today he is completely immobile, wasting away before our eyes, and yesterday had a stroke.
One hospital was more than an hour away over mountains with hairpin turns. His wife went there every morning and often wouldn't get home till 9:00 p.m. after waiting around for doctors all day. Lots of fun driving that drive at night.
Just seeing what his wife has gone through mentally and physically for four months is mind blowing. Even with friends and family sending food over and helping, I can't fathom how she puts one foot in front of the other anymore. She has lost weight and she didn't have a pound to lose in the first place.
I'm sorry, but I think this is incredibly selfish and cold of you. My mother, myself, my grandfather (to a degree), and my mom's sister (to a degree) cared for my grandmother for many years until she passed away last year. She had several knee replacements (all of which failed), she coded three times, she spent weeks in ICU, she developed horrible, crippling infections, and, by the time it was over, she was confined to a wheelchair. At the worst point, she was confined to a home-hospital bed, receiving IV antibiotics and fluids, and unable to even ambulate to the bathroom by herself. She also required sterile dressing changes several times a day (something I or my mother did). At the time, I was in school full time, my mother and sister worked full time, and my grandfather cooked, cleaned, and maintained the home. We divided the care as best we could (the majority fell on my mother and myself), and we managed to take care of her at home. This lasted nearly four years.
Sure, the situation was stressful, we were often tired and irritable, and it was incredibly stressful. At the end, however, we were glad we did what we did. I don't think we could've lived with ourselves had we sent her to any type of care facility.
I understand the feelings of caring for an older person, but I do not understand the lack of desire to care for a loved one. I'm a nursing student, and I can't imagine doing anything other than caring for others. There was never a question about whether or not we would send my grandmother to a care facility, we knew that we loved her far too much for that.
Moderator cut: snip From your post you're young and your family had several people helping.
The OP is on her own and is now a senior herself. People are living longer, the problem then becomes you have people in their 50s, 60s, and yes even 70s taking care of elderly parents.
You had 4 people taking care of your grandmother, the OP is alone.
Think about that.
Last edited by Keeper; 06-02-2012 at 05:43 AM..
Reason: Please.. no need for you to rude
Being selfish is not always a bad thing.It is necessary for survival,in fact.
Too often, what others think or expect is not the real problem.It's what an individual expects from themselves and they resentfully do what they do in order to not experience the guilt that will come from their own beliefs.
Many, many people will not assume these responsibilities, you know.Some criticize, some understand.
With a spouse, financial considerations can be terrible when considering a nursing home or LTC facility but is not usually a problem for others so the real dilema is what kind of person you are and what and how you can handle/juggle things or if martyrism is the admirable thing.
When Mother and Father bought a little home that had an absolutely attrocious interest rate, I bought the loan from the loan company and set up stipulations for their repayment, among which were these:
* That this remain secret
* That they pay a very meagre monthly payment (can't remember how much but it was around $100 monthly) each month except July, August, and December, so that they could have more for their yearly activities during those months
* That should they ever lose the home (fire, flood, etc.), I would take the loss.
I automatically assumed they would insure their home, which they did -- for $1,000! I found that out when it burned to the ground and I went down to help them. Was I bitter? Yes! I had to find them a place to live and furnish it as best I could from my money -- and I was a widow with two children. I was so angry!
When I moved back home to California, I worried about them and suggested that they move back as well. They declined. I was SO relieved.
So when Mother survived a horrible auto accident that took my father's life, I did nothing. I let my brother do it all and didn't even so much as offer help. Sure, he lived near where they decided to live, while I was more than 1,000 miles away, but what they did was not his fault. Still, he was faithful, taking care of her, until she passed away. He eventually moved her into a home, which was the wisest thing he could have done. I didn't even say thank you, as far as I can remember.
To me, my brother is a hero to do what he did for her. And so is his wife. I won't go into detail here, but she was just plain lucky.
The thing that stood out to me in the end was how my brother and his wife carefully paid off their debts, distributed their things appropriately, and made sure that my siblings and I received the inheritance we all got. The second thing that stood out to me was that not one of my siblings raised a single lament regarding how they handled it all.
I wish she had known what great children she reared. She never knew.
I know two men who are doing the caretaking for their inlaws. Wives are still working (both couples I know who have this arrangement - the husband lost his job around 2008 and the wives didn't, so the husbands are serving as care-takers, full-time, and getting small repayments from the state for care-taking their in-law/s).
So yes, some men do care-take. However, I have noticed that these guys (who are very competent and attentive) are doing it and getting some reimbursement. That is not typically what happens with most situations. Women usually end up caretaking and getting little or no compensation of any type. My Aunt took her brother/law in after he had a stroke and was literally bedridden - paralyzed, and brain damage. Then her own husband became disabled. She had both of them to take care of and none of the children (her own or her nieces/nephews) did anything to assist. Her husband died and then she continued taking care of her brother/law for nearly a decade. It was very hard on her. The biggest support she got was from a couple who lived nearby - they would cook a meal for her every so often, pick up scripts from pharmacy, help change bed linens weekly, etc. That was it.
My Aunt had a heart attack and subsequent cardiac issues after her brother/law died. Her kids didn't do anything for her. She was a difficult, angry woman but I always thought part of her anger was b/c she had ended up giving up her life for over 20 years - caretaking for others.
After observing that situation, I decided that we teach people how to treat us. If we don't draw the lines and stick to them, then we have effectively allowed someone else to control our destinies.
THe best thing my Aunt could have done was have her brother/law placed into a rehab or nursing home facility (whatever he would have qualified for back then - this was quite a few years ago). She was waaaaaaay too concerned what "others would think" if she "shirked her responsibilities." Instead, it affected her personality to the point that everyone referred to her as having a martyr complex and loving all the negativity - how much she was suffering by having to take care of two incapacitated men. All the while, I am sure she felt it was her responsibility and she doubtless was justifiably angry that no one else was helping. Family felt that was HER decision. And it was!
We let ourselves get put into situations b/c of perceived responsibilities. Sometimes, all we have to do is refuse to do more, make different decisions, and let go. Some folks need to feel needed. Some just get into the cycle of caretaking and can't break out long enough to realize they are not required to sacrifice their lives for someone else.
It is an amazing thing . . . folks with no children still manage to live their lives out - somehow! We should remind ourselves that there are alternatives, including just backing away and letting things play out as they will. I think it is wise to ask ourselves, "What would happen in this situation if I were NOT the one person picking up the slack?" In most cases, the person in question would be forced to move into other living circumstances and sometimes, that is what we should allow to happen.
This thread has been very eye opening and helpful, both viewpoints!
My mother is already making noise about one of us taking her in when needed. The problem is that we all lead very full lives and she is very demanding. Her idea is that we should be at her beck and call. Even having her for a short visit is painful and trying.
She has always tried to manipulate my siblings and I with guilt and "I won't be around long". So, yes, I would call her view "entitlement". She fails to see that (1) none of us really like her and (2) we have time obligations to our kids and jobs.
I watched my MIL care for her parents for years when she had expected to be free to travel and play golf. Fortunately, for most of the time with her parents, they were able to go along and enjoy. She also had a network of friends in the same situtation and they took turns "grandma sitting". We have talked about it, and will have no trouble taking her in - she has lived the life of caregiver and knows how to minimize the burden while maximizing the joy together.
When Mother and Father bought a little home that had an absolutely attrocious interest rate, I bought the loan from the loan company and set up stipulations for their repayment, among which were these:
* That this remain secret
* That they pay a very meagre monthly payment (can't remember how much but it was around $100 monthly) each month except July, August, and December, so that they could have more for their yearly activities during those months
* That should they ever lose the home (fire, flood, etc.), I would take the loss.
I automatically assumed they would insure their home, which they did -- for $1,000! I found that out when it burned to the ground and I went down to help them. Was I bitter? Yes! I had to find them a place to live and furnish it as best I could from my money -- and I was a widow with two children. I was so angry!
When I moved back home to California, I worried about them and suggested that they move back as well. They declined. I was SO relieved.
So when Mother survived a horrible auto accident that took my father's life, I did nothing. I let my brother do it all and didn't even so much as offer help. Sure, he lived near where they decided to live, while I was more than 1,000 miles away, but what they did was not his fault. Still, he was faithful, taking care of her, until she passed away. He eventually moved her into a home, which was the wisest thing he could have done. I didn't even say thank you, as far as I can remember.
To me, my brother is a hero to do what he did for her. And so is his wife. I won't go into detail here, but she was just plain lucky.
The thing that stood out to me in the end was how my brother and his wife carefully paid off their debts, distributed their things appropriately, and made sure that my siblings and I received the inheritance we all got. The second thing that stood out to me was that not one of my siblings raised a single lament regarding how they handled it all.
I wish she had known what great children she reared. She never knew.
This really touched me - from your initial generosity to your appreciation for your brother's efforts . . .and the goodness of you and your brother and how it all turned out . . .
Another thing. I'm sick and tired of seeing only women caring for everyone. Are men such selfish, irresponsible creatures that they will go to any lengths to pretend they just can't care for others? It's bs. Time for men to pull their own weight.
This isn't a joke.
We get elderly in all the time in our ED (we have a lot of nursing homes nearby).
The daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc, are there 10 times more often than any male relative.
It's sick...
In other countries, it's the son's job to care for the aging parents...and it is his honor.
Here, the old are dumped by the wayside so much. Can't tell you how many times no one shows up at all.
This really touched me - from your initial generosity to your appreciation for your brother's efforts . . .and the goodness of you and your brother and how it all turned out . . .
You are so kind. I was writing it to admit my failure as a daughter and sister, and you only see good in it. You are something else, Imcurious. Thank you. I hadn't thought of it as you did, and admittedly, I still can't.
Another thing. I'm sick and tired of seeing only women caring for everyone. Are men such selfish, irresponsible creatures that they will go to any lengths to pretend they just can't care for others? It's bs. Time for men to pull their own weight.
Maybe because when women are younger, they are socialized to be close to their families and be the caretakers?
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