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"So yes, some men do care-take. However, I have noticed that these guys (who are very competent and attentive) are doing it and getting some reimbursement."
I didn't realize that. I do know of 1 man personally who is taking care of his mom for nothing in return. Remarkable man.
I do know that an over-preponderance of women end up caregiving for nothing in return because, since most people doing caregiving are women, and I know many of them, I know for a fact almost none of these are getting anything in return. If men did this as well, most people would be taken care of. Unfortunately, as long as women don't demand this of men, most men will continue to demand fun, fun, fun, and for women to do the caretaking.
The problem is, in part, that we live in a self-absorbed, isolated, suburban nation, where everyone lives far away from everyone, everyone is expected to be strong enough to take care of him/herself forever, and the fact that everyone ages and died is successfully and completely ignored by the media. The "Youth Cult" ignores mortality and old age very nicely, and has created a fairy tale which we all bought into quite nicely. It's pure, unadulterated BS.
I am from a culture/background where everyone takes care of everyone. This is the way it ought to be, and this is the only humane way to be. However, Madison Avenue has sold us a really jacked up idea of how life ought to be, and it has proven disastrous for everything from family ties to the raising of children, to everything. And we've swallowed this bs idea whole.
We've also swallowed this notion that family members ought to behave like the cast of Father Knows Best. Well, hello! People are human beings. They each have their own personality. So what? Why must everyone behave like a robotic delight just as the characters on 50s TV, or be considered "BAD" somehow?
Family should take care of one another and that's that. And we really need to grow up and stop stuffing fairy tales down our throat.
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Originally Posted by msm_teacher
This thread has been very eye opening and helpful, both viewpoints!
My mother is already making noise about one of us taking her in when needed. The problem is that we all lead very full lives and she is very demanding. Her idea is that we should be at her beck and call. Even having her for a short visit is painful and trying.
She has always tried to manipulate my siblings and I with guilt and "I won't be around long". So, yes, I would call her view "entitlement". She fails to see that (1) none of us really like her and (2) we have time obligations to our kids and jobs.
I watched my MIL care for her parents for years when she had expected to be free to travel and play golf. Fortunately, for most of the time with her parents, they were able to go along and enjoy. She also had a network of friends in the same situtation and they took turns "grandma sitting". We have talked about it, and will have no trouble taking her in - she has lived the life of caregiver and knows how to minimize the burden while maximizing the joy together.
I can't say I fully understand yet what some of you are dealing with as caretakers, but seeing this forum has motivated me to post my story. I am a 54 year old male (single, no dependents) who moved almost 4 years ago from one state back to my hometown in another state, as my parents were slowly getting to a point where they needed help in some areas, or at least someone close to "keep an eye on them". So I'm now back home living with my parents. They are both 81 and my dad has Parkinson's. Most people don't realize his diagnosis but he is at a point where he prefers me to drive them to the store, church, Doctors appointments, etc. He won't drive at all anymore after dark and gets nervous driving outside our small town to the large city about an hour away. I take care of the yard work (which I enjoy) and the yard is small so it isn't a huge job.
My mom has several health issues, from severe back pain to a general overall lack of energy and is showing progressing symptoms of dementia. She doesn't really feel like cooking anymore as it tires her out very easily. Dad is a good cook so he will cook occasionally and I do some of the cooking. Often we just order take out and eat at home as mom prefers staying home. She even gets tired out and has to sit after 30 minutes of shopping.
My sister and her family live in the same town, so we do have family nearby. She has a special needs daughter under 10 so she has her hands full with her family. I don't really think of myself as a "caretaker" in the same way some of you are caretakers. I guess things are getting close to the point where I will be over the next year or two if things continue along this current path. I have also been looking for a job, which being in a fairly small town hasn't yet panned out. I did have one job which ended after 18 months.
I love my parents and family very much and am happy to be in a position to be able to help them out. It isn't easy to express my feelings about all of this and I don't really have anyone to confide in about the situation. Am I a "caretaker" and just don't fully realize it yet? I feel like I don't do all that much to help but maybe I'm too close to the situation. I want my parents to still feel independent if they can do things on their own. My dad especially likes to go to the store, visit with his friends, and do the shopping. He walks very slowly so it takes quite a while. He will make an afternoon out of a grocery shopping trip. I prefer to just go shopping for them alone and get the items on the list and not spend a lot of time...which I did during the Winter when they both had the Flu.
Thanks for letting me get this out. If anyone has any comments, I welcome the input. I want to help my parents the best I am able, even though I don't always think of myself as qualified.
I hate the term 'caretaker'---I prefer caregiver because care is what adult children give when their parents need help just to get through the week. You might not feel like a caregiver but you certainly are on that road in my opinion. Give it a year or two. Ask yourself this: What would happen to your parents if you weren't there to oversee things. If nothing would change then you could call yourself their housemate. But I think we both know the real answer is the quality of their lives would erode at a much faster pace than it is now if you weren't there. There is no turn-around from where they're at right now in terms of needing less help. As for you being qualified to be a caregiver, you have the most important part of what makes a good caregiver and that is a willingness to learn and grow into the job as your parents' needs increase.
You're absolutely right. The old in the U.S. do get dumped all the time. The elderly get ignored, isolated, pushed out, dumped, and NOT cared for. This country's citizens should be EMBARRASSED to do this bs. It's just plain wrong and actually a sick, psycho mentality to do this to the elderly.
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Originally Posted by stan4
This isn't a joke.
We get elderly in all the time in our ED (we have a lot of nursing homes nearby).
The daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc, are there 10 times more often than any male relative.
It's sick...
In other countries, it's the son's job to care for the aging parents...and it is his honor.
Here, the old are dumped by the wayside so much. Can't tell you how many times no one shows up at all.
I agree with you that the post is a bit much. However, this is the result of no one else helping out, so what happens is that ONE lone woman is forced to do 100% of the caregiving, and that's just wrong, wrong, wrong. The whole family should pitch in and stop being such frikkin' slackers.
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Originally Posted by chicagurl
Wow, I could most certainly tell that you were angry writing that post. Frustrated would be another word I'd use. I'm so sorry. There were good suggestions about reaching out to others, they might be helpful. You mentioned "children," as in "I personally do not think my life is more important than the lives of my children, and I hope I never develop an entitlement attitude." Assuming that you do have them, are they not around and available to at least "baby sit" to let you have some time off? You don't mention a husband, perhaps there's not one in the picture to help. Are there no siblings? This kind of life, day in and day out, with no respite would be stifling, that's for sure. I was a bit bemused by your statement, "Now that governments have decided that children must support their parents lifestyles in old age, I have no idea what the future might hold." I'm not sure where you live, but here in the US, I rarely run into anyone taking care of their parents - and yes, I'm old. None of my peers are dealing with their parents, they've either passed away or doing well. My parents are in their mid-80's, good health-wise and still live in their house. Hubby and I have told them that the guest room is ready for them whenever they're ready to move in here --- but you can bet your sweet bippy that I'm going to lay down the law to my sibling, children, nieces and nephews that they're going to pitch in.
If you can grab some moments to come here and rant, by all means do so. Sometimes it just feels good to let it all out and get it off your chest. Just ignore the folks who call you selfish, you're not. You're doing a good thing, you're just overwhelmed and tired. Bless you for your hard work and patience and hang in there.
It's truly a blessing to have a family that will all help out. I honestly believe most families here in the U.S. that are glad to do absolutely nothing to care for one another.
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Originally Posted by chicagurl
Thank you cokatie, you did provide info re: medicare. I simply had no clue what OP meant by the government statement. Now I understand what OP was getting at.
I was most assuredly not trying to be cavalier, I felt sorry that OP clearly felt at the end of her rope and, IMO, some folks here were being rude to her. We honestly don't know what a person is thinking or what is going on in that person's life when we post here and what sounds bad may not be at all. I don't have any choice but to demand that my family help me because of my own health issues which I'm not going to get into here. You're right, my family may, indeed, scatter to the far winds, but I'm hoping not. I posted that comment recalling I was chatting at a dinner one night with a gal who had never, ever asked her family for help with her elderly, ill father. When I asked why she said, "They don't bother to volunteer, so I'm not asking." I never understood that. In my mind, what's the harm in asking? May not help either, but you never know until you try.
I apologize if I offended anyone else. My mother cared for my grandmother, along with 3 other siblings. All of them were there with her the day she passed on. I know and understand how difficult it is, but fortunately, our family is very close, we all get along and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. My hat's off to those of you who are dealing with this as sole caretakers.
Maybe it is because of my world view, but I just do not see life as a longevity contest - that you MUST become as old as possible and leave everyone else in shambles in the process - especially when the quality of life does not seem that great (sleeping, eating, watching TV) - what is the point after awhile? This is what I think of as entitlement and I hope to God I don't develop the attitude "The Hell with everyone else, LONG LIVE ME!"
Do you think anyone on this planet prays and hopes to be "a burden" to others? Or do you perhaps think that NO ONE wants to be a burden, and would rather live their lives able? How likely is it that you will not grow old and dependant upon others? I'd say the probability of that is nil. Don't delude yourself by selling yourself the Youth Cult which ignores .
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Originally Posted by VelcroQueen
Oh, I have prayed and made adjustments to my personal behavior, creating new habits, to avoid being like those I have dealt with. Mainly, I needed to make personal adjustments, because I saw in myself the same behaviors.
In my religious beliefs, we both use and wear certain things to remind us who we are to be before G-d. These items have been most helpful in my attitude and action adjustments, because I see them and remember.
I was not reared to "be nice." I have to put a lot of work into learning to "be nice."
I do NOT want to be a burden to my children or anyone else around me.
Caregiving in the U.S. is horrific, because others are unwilling to pitch in. It's the society. The end result is 1 person (if there are any) as caregivers, taking 100% of the responsibility, while others are being neglectful.
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Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat
You know...this is hurtful. It implies that anyone who struggles with care taking doesn't have deep love or respect for their parent. It implies that the relationship must have been fractured...the parent must have been abusive or the child unfaithful.
I love my mother. I had a fantastic childhood full of magic and imagination and creativity. I'm not a person who 'loves' out of expectations or because of biological ties. I love my mom because she is deserving of love. And I respect her deeply as a writer, a parent, and a woman who has survived great personal tragedy and darkness.
Yet still I struggle with caretaking and the line between self-sacrifice and bleeding myself dry. We could play the one-up game with each other all day and I would probably win...I've been doing the caretaker thing since I was 13.
There are days when I am simply mentally DONE. When one more question like "I don't understand these pills..." when they are clearly laid out with an explanatory note will make me throw back my head and scream.
But that frustration and exhaustion has NOTHING to do with the depth of my love or respect.
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