Elder "Entitlement" (child, parent, father, relative)

[imcurious]

When you have children, you assume responsibility for their care. Who knew that it is EXPECTED, that as a woman, you will not only raise your own children and care for the house and home (most often those are the expectations), but that you will also willingly, and joyously give up your senior years to care for your parents or in-laws.

I started caring for an aging parent in 2003 and I am still at it . . . and I am now a senior citizen myself and there is no end in sight.

There is this expectation by society that women will just suck it up and "be there," come Hell or high water.

The more elderly person is considered above all else - no one gives a hoot for the caregiver or how her (usually her) life is impacted. If she gets a stress-related disease, "Oh well . . ." - it's not like her life matters - it's all about the most ancient ones - most of whom are being kept alive artificially via drugs or medical procedures . . .

If I sound angry at this, I am. I am tired - really tired and tired of being the invisible one who is supposed to be thrilled to have this "opportunity."

There is something wrong with this picture and from my perspective, it is in the entitlement, which takes many forms - some of the ancient ones refuse to go into assisted living - they believe it is their "right" to age in place (and nothing is said about the assistance they often need from family members - most often female - to do that) . . .

All of their finances have to be handled - banking, bill paying, etc. Any household maintenance has to be troubleshot by a female - from sewer problems to water heater disasters, leaking dishwashers, you-name-it . . .whatever can happen, does happen, and it is now the responsibily of the female caregiver to handle these emergencies, day and night.

Oh, and if the ancient one does not hang up the phone correctly - guess who has to drop everything to make sure they are still alive because there is now a persistent busy signal that could mean anything . . .

And the TV - it must be on 24/7, LOUD, and it "goes out," frequently (meaning a wrong button is pushed and has to be fixed, IMMEDIATELY).

Who do you think has to figure out how to get the person's hygiene in order? That problem alone is mind-boggling . . . and it is not as if there is cooperation on the side of the ancient one to provide any clues on how to accomplish some of these difficult and indelicate tasks . . .

I personally do not think my life is more important than the lives of my children, and I hope I never develop an entitlement attitude.

Now that governments have decided that children must support their parents lifestyles in old age, I have no idea what the future might hold.

I think it is one thing to lovingly provide short-term care, but how long is long enough? Why is it expected that a caregiver would give up YEARS of her life?

I personally beleive in reincarnation and karma and I think it is very bad karma to act out an entitlement scenario . . .

I don't believe that one life is more valuable than another life - there "should" be a lot more consideration for caregivers in our society but we are invisible and expected to "do the dirty work and shut up about it." No one wants to hear how difficult it is.

[NCRNStudent]

I'm sorry, but I think this is incredibly selfish and cold of you. My mother, myself, my grandfather (to a degree), and my mom's sister (to a degree) cared for my grandmother for many years until she passed away last year. She had several knee replacements (all of which failed), she coded three times, she spent weeks in ICU, she developed horrible, crippling infections, and, by the time it was over, she was confined to a wheelchair. At the worst point, she was confined to a home-hospital bed, receiving IV antibiotics and fluids, and unable to even ambulate to the bathroom by herself. She also required sterile dressing changes several times a day (something I or my mother did). At the time, I was in school full time, my mother and sister worked full time, and my grandfather cooked, cleaned, and maintained the home. We divided the care as best we could (the majority fell on my mother and myself), and we managed to take care of her at home. This lasted nearly four years.

Sure, the situation was stressful, we were often tired and irritable, and it was incredibly stressful. At the end, however, we were glad we did what we did. I don't think we could've lived with ourselves had we sent her to any type of care facility.

I understand the feelings of caring for an older person, but I do not understand the lack of desire to care for a loved one. I'm a nursing student, and I can't imagine doing anything other than caring for others. There was never a question about whether or not we would send my grandmother to a care facility, we knew that we loved her far too much for that.

[imcurious]

Originally Posted by NCRNStudent

I'm sorry, but I think this is incredibly selfish and cold of you. My mother, myself, my grandfather (to a degree), and my mom's sister (to a degree) cared for my grandmother for many years until she passed away last year. She had several knee replacements (all of which failed), she coded three times, she spent weeks in ICU, she developed horrible, crippling infections, and, by the time it was over, she was confined to a wheelchair. At the worst point, she was confined to a home-hospital bed, receiving IV antibiotics and fluids, and unable to even ambulate to the bathroom by herself. She also required sterile dressing changes several times a day (something I or my mother did). At the time, I was in school full time, my mother and sister worked full time, and my grandfather cooked, cleaned, and maintained the home. We divided the care as best we could (the majority fell on my mother and myself), and we managed to take care of her at home. This lasted nearly four years.

Sure, the situation was stressful, we were often tired and irritable, and it was incredibly stressful. At the end, however, we were glad we did what we did. I don't think we could've lived with ourselves had we sent her to any type of care facility.

I understand the feelings of caring for an older person, but I do not understand the lack of desire to care for a loved one. I'm a nursing student, and I can't imagine doing anything other than caring for others. There was never a question about whether or not we would send my grandmother to a care facility, we knew that we loved her far too much for that.

So you are young and three people took care of your loved one for four years . . . I have been at it, singlehandedly for nine years . . . I think it makes a difference, as well, if the person you are caring for is grateful or civil or kind . . . if they are "difficult," then it's that much harder.

You judge ME as being selfish, yet I am the person who is doing "what needs to be done." I guess I should be happy about it - that's the part that makes me selfish - that I am fed-up, right?

[JanND]

NCRNStudent The OP is speaking of her experience. She evidently doesn't have two or three others helping her care for the aging relative. It is wonderful that you helped care for your GrandMother, but don't discount another person's experience.
OP...What you are experiencing is called the "Sandwich Generation" You are yourself a senior, w/ probably the typical grown kids occasional situation, helping w/ a bill or unexpected monetary situations, babysitting etc. You really should look for a care giver support group in your area. there are also some wonderful websites..here are just a couple..just do a search and you'll see several. .Caregiver.com - For caregivers, about caregivers, by caregivers Preventing Caregiver Burnout: Tips and Support for Family Caregivers Medicare.gov ? the Official U.S. Government Site for Medicare
Also, there should be a senior services agency for your local area...please call and see if there are agencies that can provide care part time, if your elder is on medicare they may be eligible respite care, home health care or other services, meals on wheels etc. Do not be afraid to ask for help or seek out the resources available. You have to take care of yourself, or you won't be any good to anyone. I can empathise w/ you. I used to be a director of social services at a nursing home/hospital. One of the most difficult decisions families make is when it is time to discuss assisted living. There are some wonderful facilities and the benefits of elders living among other elders is the wonderful support system it affords to them. The elder goes through grief and loss losing independence, not being able to do all their own daily living skills, hygiene, preparing meals etc. It is very hard, it makes them angry, sad and sometimes depressed. Please know there are others out there doing what you are and reach out to the support online and/or in person. You are not alone, and you are appreciated and cared about. Thank you for all that you are doing. Jan

[imcurious]

Originally Posted by JanND

NCRNStudent The OP is speaking of her experience. She evidently doesn't have two or three others helping her care for the aging relative. It is wonderful that you helped care for your GrandMother, but don't discount another person's experience.
OP...What you are experiencing is called the "Sandwich Generation" You are yourself a senior, w/ probably the typical grown kids occasional situation, helping w/ a bill or unexpected monetary situations, babysitting etc. You really should look for a care giver support group in your area. there are also some wonderful websites..here are just a couple..just do a search and you'll see several. .Caregiver.com - For caregivers, about caregivers, by caregivers Preventing Caregiver Burnout: Tips and Support for Family Caregivers Medicare.gov ? the Official U.S. Government Site for Medicare
Also, there should be a senior services agency for your local area...please call and see if there are agencies that can provide care part time, if your elder is on medicare they may be eligible respite care, home health care or other services, meals on wheels etc. Do not be afraid to ask for help or seek out the resources available. You have to take care of yourself, or you won't be any good to anyone. I can empathise w/ you. I used to be a director of social services at a nursing home/hospital. One of the most difficult decisions families make is when it is time to discuss assisted living. There are some wonderful facilities and the benefits of elders living among other elders is the wonderful support system it affords to them. The elder goes through grief and loss losing independence, not being able to do all their own daily living skills, hygiene, preparing meals etc. It is very hard, it makes them angry, sad and sometimes depressed. Please know there are others out there doing what you are and reach out to the support online and/or in person. You are not alone, and you are appreciated and cared about. Thank you for all that you are doing. Jan

Thank you. I am coping pretty well. I don't do the actual hands-on "activities of daily living." I manage that. The people that actually do that are angels and I am no angel.

I wrote the OP to emphasize that caregivers are invisible in our society and somehow, their needs and health don't count. I think it is because we all know that SOMEONE has to do the dirty work, so it is just expected that people (old women) will sacrifice their lives for the "greater good," which in this case is an old person who needs long term care . . .it's the long term part that is the problem - and the long term part is medically created . . . and I don't believe that is in the best interests of the entire society - one segment of society should not be a parasite on another segment - I am sorry to put it that bluntly, but that is the dynamic that is occurring.

The reason I can say that is because I am not one of the people who would expect to be kept artificially alive at another person's expense.

[Saritaschihuahua]

I'm currently in a caretaking situation.

My dad has a broken hip and shoulder. He is a highly educated man, but has always suffered from OCD, so he has multiple issues - doesn't like the feel of certain things on his skin, certain tastes, everything has to be organized and timed according to his magical thinking method, etc. He's also a narcissist and convinced he knows more than anyone else. The combination of all this, makes him a nightmare to take care of.

My mom has Alzheimer's.

I wouldn't dream of not helping them. I think people who shun their responsibility toward their parents are not human or humane.

On the other hand, if a person has to face caretaking alone, or in poverty, or isolated, or while working and caring for a family, that's torture for the caretaker/caregiver.

Another thing. I'm sick and tired of seeing only women caring for everyone. Are men such selfish, irresponsible creatures that they will go to any lengths to pretend they just can't care for others? It's bs. Time for men to pull their own weight.

[JanND]

Originally Posted by imcurious

Thank you. I am coping pretty well. I don't do the actual hands-on "activities of daily living." I manage that. The people that actually do that are angels and I am no angel.

I wrote the OP to emphasize that caregivers are invisible in our society and somehow, their needs and health don't count. I think it is because we all know that SOMEONE has to do the dirty work, so it is just expected that people (old women) will sacrifice their lives for the "greater good," which in this case is an old person who needs long term care . . .it's the long term part that is the problem - and the long term part is medically created . . . and I don't believe that is in the best interests of the entire society - one segment of society should not be a parasite on another segment - I am sorry to put it that bluntly, but that is the dynamic that is occurring.

The reason I can say that is because I am not one of the people who would expect to be kept artificially alive at another person's expense.

Well, from your first post I assumed that you were writing first person....quite a rant. I guess assuming you were not doing all that well was my error. Hopefully someone else can use the information that I put some effort into. Good luck to you.

[imcurious]

Originally Posted by JanND

Well, from your first post I assumed that you were writing first person....quite a rant. I guess assuming you were not doing all that well was my error. Hopefully someone else can use the information that I put some effort into. Good luck to you.

You sound disappointed that I am doing ok

I am sure your information will not go to waste. There are many women caregivers who can benefit from it.

[imcurious]

Originally Posted by JanND

Well, from your first post I assumed that you were writing first person....quite a rant. I guess assuming you were not doing all that well was my error. Hopefully someone else can use the information that I put some effort into. Good luck to you.

And let me clarify: I was writing "first person." Just because I don't change Depends doesn't mean I am not a caregiver - I just don't do EVERYTHING, but trust, me, I do plenty - and I set up everything - I manage everything - I supervise everything - I take care of many, many aspects of care - too numerous to mention - I do have help and for that, I am grateful and the person I am taking care of should be grateful . . .

Minimizing what people are doing by alluding that it is not "first person" is erroneous and disrespectful . . . this is part and parcel of how women/caregivers are treated . . .it's like I am not doing enough . . .the nurse said so, now you chime in with the "I thought it was first person" business . . .

There is something that causes people to not understand what a commitment this type of work is . . .nine years is a LONG time . . . lots of stuff has happened . . .lots of care . . . lots of disrespect, lots of problems . . .and yet, I have found a way to manage which seems to bug some people . . .

[ParallelJJCat]

Originally Posted by JanND

Well, from your first post I assumed that you were writing first person....quite a rant. I guess assuming you were not doing all that well was my error. Hopefully someone else can use the information that I put some effort into. Good luck to you.

Those links were very, very helpful to me when I posted about my relatives making suggestions. Thank you again for that.