Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Caregivers are generally middle aged women. How much regard is given to them? Might as well be old mules. They still have some steam left and can be used for all the drudge work. They are also victims of the sandwich generation, not only caring for elderly parents but adult children living at home who are not expected to help. Yay.
That's me all right. Always the workhorse and not the showhorse.
And, NO, no one considers my feelings; my burdens; my exhaustion; my stress; my obligations (JOB) - everything is viewed through the eyes of the elder.
Sandwiched between a 16 y/o who still needs me and a 90 y/o that I've been entertaining for the past 40 years.
I'm tired. I'm lonely. I get up at 5:00 am to head for the gym because that is the only free time I have.
I love them both; but there are days I fear they will suck me dry.
This is not about money. This is about love. This is about me doing the right thing for the person I loved most in this world.
I do NOT say that everyone should do this. I have told others to FLEE if they have the chance or the means. This sort of role - do be done with the free heart with which I do it - has to come from a place of love. From a deep respect and a completely uncomplicated relationship with their parent. I was truly blessed to have had such a relationship with my Mom.
You know...this is hurtful. It implies that anyone who struggles with care taking doesn't have deep love or respect for their parent. It implies that the relationship must have been fractured...the parent must have been abusive or the child unfaithful.
I love my mother. I had a fantastic childhood full of magic and imagination and creativity. I'm not a person who 'loves' out of expectations or because of biological ties. I love my mom because she is deserving of love. And I respect her deeply as a writer, a parent, and a woman who has survived great personal tragedy and darkness.
Yet still I struggle with caretaking and the line between self-sacrifice and bleeding myself dry. We could play the one-up game with each other all day and I would probably win...I've been doing the caretaker thing since I was 13.
There are days when I am simply mentally DONE. When one more question like "I don't understand these pills..." when they are clearly laid out with an explanatory note will make me throw back my head and scream.
But that frustration and exhaustion has NOTHING to do with the depth of my love or respect.
You know...this is hurtful. It implies that anyone who struggles with care taking doesn't have deep love or respect for their parent. It implies that the relationship must have been fractured...the parent must have been abusive or the child unfaithful.
I love my mother. I had a fantastic childhood full of magic and imagination and creativity. I'm not a person who 'loves' out of expectations or because of biological ties. I love my mom because she is deserving of love. And I respect her deeply as a writer, a parent, and a woman who has survived great personal tragedy and darkness.
Yet still I struggle with caretaking and the line between self-sacrifice and bleeding myself dry. We could play the one-up game with each other all day and I would probably win...I've been doing the caretaker thing since I was 13.
There are days when I am simply mentally DONE. When one more question like "I don't understand these pills..." when they are clearly laid out with an explanatory note will make me throw back my head and scream.
But that frustration and exhaustion has NOTHING to do with the depth of my love or respect.
I was a caregiver to my beloved husband for 12 years---he just died a few months ago. He was totally right sided paralyzed and couldn't talk. Before his stroke I shared care of my dad with my brother for five years and after my dad died my brother also became a caregiver to his wife who suffered with early onset Alzheimer's. In all those years I've met a lot of other caregivers and I have yet to see anyone who did not struggle with their caregiver role on some level or another. Caregiving touches all areas of your life---financial, self-esteem, physical and emotional stress, boredom, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, tiredness, exhaustion, despair, resentment, anger, euphoria, pride, laughter and love. All that can and does weave in and out of a caregiver's life over the years. Through it all the ONE thing I know for an absolute fact is that the depth of a person's love and respect (or lack there of) for their care recipient has nothing what so ever to do with which caregivers struggle with the role and which ones don't so much. No two caregiving situations are the same. NO two caretgivers get the same level of support from extended family and friends. No two caregivers get the same level of appreciation or respect from their family and their care recipients. Not all caregivers have the same internal, coping tools to call on when needed. Caregivers need to support one another in spirit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would hope this new forum can be a venue for giving that support.
I was a caregiver to my beloved husband for 12 years---he just died a few months ago. He was totally right sided paralyzed and couldn't talk. Before his stroke I shared care of my dad with my brother for five years and after my dad died my brother also became a caregiver to his wife who suffered with early onset Alzheimer's. In all those years I've met a lot of other caregivers and I have yet to see anyone who did not struggle with their caregiver role on some level or another. Caregiving touches all areas of your life---financial, self-esteem, physical and emotional stress, boredom, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, tiredness, exhaustion, despair, resentment, anger, euphoria, pride, laughter and love. All that can and does weave in and out of a caregiver's life over the years. Through it all the ONE thing I know for an absolute fact is that the depth of a person's love and respect (or lack there of) for their care recipient has nothing what so ever to do with which caregivers struggle with the role and which ones don't so much. No two caregiving situations are the same. NO two caretgivers get the same level of support from extended family and friends. No two caregivers get the same level of appreciation or respect from their family and their care recipients. Not all caregivers have the same internal, coping tools to call on when needed. Caregivers need to support one another in spirit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would hope this new forum can be a venue for giving that support.
Hubby and I have told them that the guest room is ready for them whenever they're ready to move in here --- but you can bet your sweet bippy that I'm going to lay down the law to mysibling, children, nieces and nephews that they're going to pitch in.
Some other posters have already called you on this, but I am just blown away by the total arrogance and presumptuousness of the portion of your post which I placed in bold type above. How is it you think you can dictate to your siblings and your nieces and nephews? Are they autonomous adults? Are you their legal guardian because they are mentally incapacitated? Now as for your children, a lot depends on whether they have grown into adulthood or not. If they are still minors, then you can go ahead and "lay down the law" to them. If they are not, and if they are not dependent on you financially, then I can only say that it is a sick and pathetic situation if your children allow themselves to be dictated to by you like that.
I'm sorry, but I think this is incredibly selfish and cold of you. My mother, myself, my grandfather (to a degree), and my mom's sister (to a degree) cared for my grandmother for many years until she passed away last year. She had several knee replacements (all of which failed), she coded three times, she spent weeks in ICU, she developed horrible, crippling infections, and, by the time it was over, she was confined to a wheelchair. At the worst point, she was confined to a home-hospital bed, receiving IV antibiotics and fluids, and unable to even ambulate to the bathroom by herself. She also required sterile dressing changes several times a day (something I or my mother did). At the time, I was in school full time, my mother and sister worked full time, and my grandfather cooked, cleaned, and maintained the home. We divided the care as best we could (the majority fell on my mother and myself), and we managed to take care of her at home. This lasted nearly four years.
Sure, the situation was stressful, we were often tired and irritable, and it was incredibly stressful. At the end, however, we were glad we did what we did. I don't think we could've lived with ourselves had we sent her to any type of care facility.
I understand the feelings of caring for an older person, but I do not understand the lack of desire to care for a loved one. I'm a nursing student, and I can't imagine doing anything other than caring for others. There was never a question about whether or not we would send my grandmother to a care facility, we knew that we loved her far too much forthat.
I think there is a gulf of incomprehension which can never be bridged between people who feel as you do (as illustrated by the portions of your post which I placed in bold type above) and people who do not feel as you do. You find it axiomatic that one must care personally for one's own and that it is shameful to send them "to any type of care facility". And further, you apply that as a litmus test and as a measure of one's love for the person needing care. I do not understand how you came to such conclusions (just as you certainly do not understand how I do not share them). It must be something in our upbringing that we have internalized in a very deep way combined, perhaps, with innate tendencies which are part of our DNA.
For plenty of people, "there was never a question about whether or not we would send our _______ to a care facility" because it was obvious to them that a care facility was the only reasonable choice. And yet that does not imply a lack of love. I believe people like you and I, and people like you and the original poster, are condemned to talk past each other forever because we will never understand each other.
I can't say I fully understand yet what some of you are dealing with as caretakers, but seeing this forum has motivated me to post my story. I am a 54 year old male (single, no dependents) who moved almost 4 years ago from one state back to my hometown in another state, as my parents were slowly getting to a point where they needed help in some areas, or at least someone close to "keep an eye on them". So I'm now back home living with my parents. They are both 81 and my dad has Parkinson's. Most people don't realize his diagnosis but he is at a point where he prefers me to drive them to the store, church, Doctors appointments, etc. He won't drive at all anymore after dark and gets nervous driving outside our small town to the large city about an hour away. I take care of the yard work (which I enjoy) and the yard is small so it isn't a huge job.
My mom has several health issues, from severe back pain to a general overall lack of energy and is showing progressing symptoms of dementia. She doesn't really feel like cooking anymore as it tires her out very easily. Dad is a good cook so he will cook occasionally and I do some of the cooking. Often we just order take out and eat at home as mom prefers staying home. She even gets tired out and has to sit after 30 minutes of shopping.
My sister and her family live in the same town, so we do have family nearby. She has a special needs daughter under 10 so she has her hands full with her family. I don't really think of myself as a "caretaker" in the same way some of you are caretakers. I guess things are getting close to the point where I will be over the next year or two if things continue along this current path. I have also been looking for a job, which being in a fairly small town hasn't yet panned out. I did have one job which ended after 18 months.
I love my parents and family very much and am happy to be in a position to be able to help them out. It isn't easy to express my feelings about all of this and I don't really have anyone to confide in about the situation. Am I a "caretaker" and just don't fully realize it yet? I feel like I don't do all that much to help but maybe I'm too close to the situation. I want my parents to still feel independent if they can do things on their own. My dad especially likes to go to the store, visit with his friends, and do the shopping. He walks very slowly so it takes quite a while. He will make an afternoon out of a grocery shopping trip. I prefer to just go shopping for them alone and get the items on the list and not spend a lot of time...which I did during the Winter when they both had the Flu.
Thanks for letting me get this out. If anyone has any comments, I welcome the input. I want to help my parents the best I am able, even though I don't always think of myself as qualified.
Some other posters have already called you on this, but I am just blown away by the total arrogance and presumptuousness of the portion of your post which I placed in bold type above. How is it you think you can dictate to your siblings and your nieces and nephews? Are they autonomous adults? Are you their legal guardian because they are mentally incapacitated? Now as for your children, a lot depends on whether they have grown into adulthood or not. If they are still minors, then you can go ahead and "lay down the law" to them. If they are not, and if they are not dependent on you financially, then I can only say that it is a sick and pathetic situation if your children allow themselves to be dictated to by you like that.
Yes, indeed, I have been taken to the woodshed several times already for my comment. There are factors that I have chosen not to divulge in an open forum, but if I can't count on my family, then I can't bring my parents in to live with me. We would then have to determine if they can live with someone else or go to a facility.
I realize that folks can only go by the comments written here, and the subsequent manner in which they take such comments; however, I have been appalled by some of the rude, nasty and vicious comments on here. It's almost like folks want to savage someone who doesn't agree with them or has said something they've taken in some context that the post was never meant to imply. Yes, perhaps I did some off sounding arrogant to you, but there was a reason and I didn't mean to, I was simply thinking of my personal situation. You, on the other hand, well, I trust you feel ever so much better after your beat down of me.
Thank goodness there are others who stop and try to see another side, ask questions and/or provide information. I can't overstate the amount of respect and admiration I have for anyone who takes on and takes care of another individual.
Yes, I've seen this happen over and over and over, ad nauseam. Women sacrifice for men (and women, because one is REALLY hard pressed to find men taking care of women - at best most might hire someone to do it). Seeing this sort of thing has given me a rather not-so-positive look at men. Whom do most men sacrifice for when things get really, really difficult? The ones that do give of themselves totally can be counted on the fingers of one hand, and I think it has to do with that old belief that they're entitled. Entitled to be served, entitled to have lots of fun, and to do things that get them a medal or an award. However, the exceptions to the rule are extraordinary. Whenever I encounter a man that is engaged in caregiving, I nearly pass out COLD, and they're awesome caregivers, too. But sadly they're the remarkable exception. After watching this bs over years, I know think most men suit that song by Cindi Lauper, which should be retitled and rewritten for them, "Boys just want to have fun." Of course, when those "boys" are no longer feeling so good, they sure as heck expect to be taken care of, don't they? No doubt about it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well said
!
Arrogance beyond all fathoming
