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I personally do not think my life is more important than the lives of my children, and I hope I never develop an entitlement attitude.
I am with you. I am only 51 and have already been making preparations for my own care when I get old, if needed. I hope I never do need it. I'd rather be mobile and die a quick death than have a long drawn out one , but I simply want to be as little a burden on family as possible. My very elderly parents are not adjusting well to very old age, I have frankly been appalled at their difficult behavior. I vow not to be that way. I hope I keep that vow.
I am with you. I am only 51 and have already been making preparations for my own care when I get old, if needed. I hope I never do need it. I'd rather be mobile and die a quick death than have a long drawn out one , but I simply want to be as little a burden on family as possible. My very elderly parents are not adjusting well to very old age, I have frankly been appalled at their difficult behavior. I vow not to be that way. I hope I keep that vow.
Maybe it is because of my world view, but I just do not see life as a longevity contest - that you MUST become as old as possible and leave everyone else in shambles in the process - especially when the quality of life does not seem that great (sleeping, eating, watching TV) - what is the point after awhile? This is what I think of as entitlement and I hope to God I don't develop the attitude "The Hell with everyone else, LONG LIVE ME!"
I do consider myself lucky! You're absolutely correct to note that their good health could be over tomorrow with just one stroke, heart attack, etc. I'm very, very well aware of how quickly my life can change. Not sure how you got that I'd tell a person who got laid off that there are jobs out there when I clearly said in my post that when, or if, my parents get to the point that they can't be by themselves, they're moving in with me. Does that sound rude to you? My only caveat was that I was going to tell the other members of my family that they would have to pitch in. I know I can't do it all by myself and yes, I do expect them to help me. If that's rude to you, then so be it.
I did not, in any way, shape or form, imply that others might not be dealing with taking care of their parents. I'm well aware that many people are. I merely said I don't, personally, know of anyone within my circle of friends. Perhaps it's luck again, I don't know. Then again, some of our friends are not dealing with their parents because their parents passed quickly. Ergo, not sure if that's exactly "luck" or not.
It might be a major issue in the US, but I'm not aware that our "government has decided that children must support their parents' lifestyles in old age" as the OP stated. The state that I live in, and as far as I'm aware, the Feds --- neither has come to me and said, "Hey, you need to support your parents' lifestyle in their old age." I would be very interested to hear if this has happened to you.
That's very admirable that you plan on taking in your parents if that time comes.
But I can tell you firsthand that you can't dictate to other siblings/relatives what they will and will not be doing. You're very naive on that subject.
In many, many cases all the responsibility falls on one adult child.
I bet you don't even know about Medicare, or what they cover and what they don't cover?
Here is a quick course, Medicare gives 21 days in a SNF after an elder has been admitted to a hospital for at least 3 days.
After that you go to an 80/20, you pay 80% they pay 20%, you looking at around $150 a day.
Most people have no idea that your average NH/AL costs around $5,000 a month, that's right 60K a year.
Unless you're Medicaid, but then you have to not a have a pot to p**s in order to qualify.
Hide the money? No can do in America, there is now a 5 yr look back on the elder's finances.
You know what, Imcurious, I've seen you come out with this sort of blather before and I'm telling you from my own viewpoint to KNOCK IT OFF. Seriously. How DARE you try to place a label on me or any other caretaker. You have no idea of my life, my relationship to my parents, my core values, my belief system. You are judging me from YOUR experiences and quite frankly - I won't be held to such a low standard. I WAS raised better. I WAS raised to be more giving. I WAS raised to be more charitable. I WAS raised to think of someone else before myself. I WAS raised to do the right thing at all times.
You have come out with this psycho babble BS before. Does it make YOU feel better? Why do you have such a hard-on for people that look after their parents? Is it because you couldn't? Do we who can willingly make you feel like less of a person? Because strangely Imcurious, the reason I look after my Mom has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's because of the sheer volume of LOVE I feel for a woman who did NOTHING but give and give her entire life to me and my brother. Who does not deserve the indignity that she is enduring (happily unaware). She has instilled values in me that are obviously completely foreign to you. You might have heard pieces of it along your travels like "We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak", "Do unto others as you would have done on to you".
So I tell you what - you reach out to all those little websites where it tells you that it's okay to walk away from a responsibility. They'll help validate you. Maybe they'll even make you live with yourself. I've told you before that I don't view myself as any angel. Trust me. I've lived quite the life. And very few regrets. What I do know is that the wonderful life I lived prior to what I'm doing now is ALL owed to one woman and the wonderful life lessons she taught me. And yes - the horror of it - one of them was about self-sacrifice. About putting others first.
My Mom is the LAST person on the face of this earth who would have wanted me to give up my lifestyle for her. She would have given her life for me - at any time - before this awful illness took that wonderful mind. My debt is to her. I'm not up on any cross. I do this willingly. I do this with the greatest intention - through love.
Your website pyscho babble states the following:
Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love - they give to get.
Wow - what absolute BS. My Mom does not even know she is my Mom anymore. What in God's name kind of love do you think she is capable of giving to a person she views as a complete stranger? What precisely do you think I am hoping to get? My Mom will never again know she is my Mom. That's just the sad truth of it. As for getting - you've mentioned this before in other posts - how us caretakers are basically after the loot. My Sweet Lord. I have no idea what you do for a living. I have no idea of your lifestyle. But let me tell you a little something something about me: I worked on Wall Street. I earned 6 figures a year. Even in bad years. I quit a well paying job to look after my Mom. That means no medical insurance for me. That means that I've not made a PENNY in 3 years. That means I haven't paid into my own retirement in 3 years. If I'm VERY lucky, I will gross about $300k when it comes to sell my parent's house. That means about maybe $180k net to me. Sister, there is NO WAY on earth that will come close to matching what I could have earned. So trust me when I tell you there is gonna be no big payday for me.
This is not about money. This is about love. This is about me doing the right thing for the person I loved most in this world.
I do NOT say that everyone should do this. I have told others to FLEE if they have the chance or the means. This sort of role - do be done with the free heart with which I do it - has to come from a place of love. From a deep respect and a completely uncomplicated relationship with their parent. I was truly blessed to have had such a relationship with my Mom. Perhaps, sadly, you weren't. If that's the case, then you ARE doing the right thing by letting someone else do the caretaking.
So I tell ya what, take a look at at last couple of paragraphs in your "Please Make Me Feel Good About Myself" website. Maybe you CAN learn something from them. Think about giving them a call. Focus on YOU and your growth - and learn how to label yourself - how to truly know YOURSELF - before you deign to pass any judgement on others that do what you clearly can't.
"Learning how to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings (Step 1 of Inner Bonding), instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behavior. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems.
In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change. Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? Why not start today with a consistent Inner Bonding practice? Why not join our membership community and receive help and support with your Inner Bonding practice?"
Go get ye some Bonding Imcurious. Sounds like you could use it.
You know what, Imcurious, I've seen you come out with this sort of blather before and I'm telling you from my own viewpoint to KNOCK IT OFF. Seriously. How DARE you try to place a label on me or any other caretaker. You have no idea of my life, my relationship to my parents, my core values, my belief system. You are judging me from YOUR experiences and quite frankly - I won't be held to such a low standard. I WAS raised better. I WAS raised to be more giving. I WAS raised to be more charitable. I WAS raised to think of someone else before myself. I WAS raised to do the right thing at all times.
You have come out with this psycho babble BS before. Does it make YOU feel better? Why do you have such a hard-on for people that look after their parents? Is it because you couldn't? Do we who can willingly make you feel like less of a person? Because strangely Imcurious, the reason I look after my Mom has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's because of the sheer volume of LOVE I feel for a woman who did NOTHING but give and give her entire life to me and my brother. Who does not deserve the indignity that she is enduring (happily unaware). She has instilled values in me that are obviously completely foreign to you. You might have heard pieces of it along your travels like "We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak", "Do unto others as you would have done on to you".
So I tell you what - you reach out to all those little websites where it tells you that it's okay to walk away from a responsibility. They'll help validate you. Maybe they'll even make you live with yourself. I've told you before that I don't view myself as any angel. Trust me. I've lived quite the life. And very few regrets. What I do know is that the wonderful life I lived prior to what I'm doing now is ALL owed to one woman and the wonderful life lessons she taught me. And yes - the horror of it - one of them was about self-sacrifice. About putting others first.
My Mom is the LAST person on the face of this earth who would have wanted me to give up my lifestyle for her. She would have given her life for me - at any time - before this awful illness took that wonderful mind. My debt is to her. I'm not up on any cross. I do this willingly. I do this with the greatest intention - through love.
Your website pyscho babble states the following:
Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love - they give to get.
Wow - what absolute BS. My Mom does not even know she is my Mom anymore. What in God's name kind of love do you think she is capable of giving to a person she views as a complete stranger? What precisely do you think I am hoping to get? My Mom will never again know she is my Mom. That's just the sad truth of it. As for getting - you've mentioned this before in other posts - how us caretakers are basically after the loot. My Sweet Lord. I have no idea what you do for a living. I have no idea of your lifestyle. But let me tell you a little something something about me: I worked on Wall Street. I earned 6 figures a year. Even in bad years. I quit a well paying job to look after my Mom. That means no medical insurance for me. That means that I've not made a PENNY in 3 years. That means I haven't paid into my own retirement in 3 years. If I'm VERY lucky, I will gross about $300k when it comes to sell my parent's house. That means about maybe $180k net to me. Sister, there is NO WAY on earth that will come close to matching what I could have earned. So trust me when I tell you there is gonna be no big payday for me.
This is not about money. This is about love. This is about me doing the right thing for the person I loved most in this world.
I do NOT say that everyone should do this. I have told others to FLEE if they have the chance or the means. This sort of role - do be done with the free heart with which I do it - has to come from a place of love. From a deep respect and a completely uncomplicated relationship with their parent. I was truly blessed to have had such a relationship with my Mom. Perhaps, sadly, you weren't. If that's the case, then you ARE doing the right thing by letting someone else do the caretaking.
So I tell ya what, take a look at at last couple of paragraphs in your "Please Make Me Feel Good About Myself" website. Maybe you CAN learn something from them. Think about giving them a call. Focus on YOU and your growth - and learn how to label yourself - how to truly know YOURSELF - before you deign to pass any judgement on others that do what you clearly can't.
"Learning how to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings (Step 1 of Inner Bonding), instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behavior. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems.
In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change. Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? Why not start today with a consistent Inner Bonding practice? Why not join our membership community and receive help and support with your Inner Bonding practice?"
Go get ye some Bonding Imcurious. Sounds like you could use it.
Something pushed your buttons - I don't take it personally, because it is obviously about you and your issues and I would not have responded at all, except you accused me of something that is untrue.
You must have mixed me up with someone else because I have never said caregivers are out for the money - don't know where you got that from - please provide a link and in the future please be careful of what you accuse people of.
I am with you. I am only 51 and have already been making preparations for my own care when I get old, if needed. I hope I never do need it. I'd rather be mobile and die a quick death than have a long drawn out one , but I simply want to be as little a burden on family as possible. My very elderly parents are not adjusting well to very old age, I have frankly been appalled at their difficult behavior. I vow not to be that way. I hope I keep that vow.
Oh, I have prayed and made adjustments to my personal behavior, creating new habits, to avoid being like those I have dealt with. Mainly, I needed to make personal adjustments, because I saw in myself the same behaviors.
In my religious beliefs, we both use and wear certain things to remind us who we are to be before G-d. These items have been most helpful in my attitude and action adjustments, because I see them and remember.
I was not reared to "be nice." I have to put a lot of work into learning to "be nice."
I do NOT want to be a burden to my children or anyone else around me.
I am with you. I am only 51 and have already been making preparations for my own care when I get old, if needed. I hope I never do need it. I'd rather be mobile and die a quick death than have a long drawn out one , but I simply want to be as little a burden on family as possible. My very elderly parents are not adjusting well to very old age, I have frankly been appalled at their difficult behavior. I vow not to be that way. I hope I keep that vow.
I hear you.
Having worked in a nursing home before, I can tell you many stories on how people age, or as I saw it, they turn back into children. Some are cry babies, some feisty, some are withdrawn.
I remember a man who came to see his wife every day and fed her, etc. She would take punches at him if he got too close. He said she was never like that before.
Another old lady just cried and cried and cried. It was so sad.
One man never failed to ask me if I had a cigarette. He was an old boxer. He once ran off with a female resident and we found them buck naked, asleep, leaning against a tree with a bottle of hard stuff between them. So funny.
IMO, none of us have a choice in what we become when we get into the elderly age bracket. It would be nice to say, I will NEVER become blah blah. But it doesn't work that way.
Their personalities change. They get stubborn over little things.
I just hope everyone takes it easy on each other because no two caregiver situations are alike.
Last edited by _redbird_; 05-30-2012 at 12:39 PM..
I don't believe that one life is more valuable than another life - there "should" be a lot more consideration for caregivers in our society but we are invisible and expected to "do the dirty work and shut up about it." No one wants to hear how difficult it is.
Caregivers are generally middle aged women. How much regard is given to them? Might as well be old mules. They still have some steam left and can be used for all the drudge work. They are also victims of the sandwich generation, not only caring for elderly parents but adult children living at home who are not expected to help. Yay.
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