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You do not have to give a eulogy. I loved my father very much but knew I would never be able to deliver a eulogy without breaking down, so I didn't. It was not an issue.
But if you are going to have a rabbi officiate, they are very skilled at drawing you out and learning enough about your mom to deliver some remarks that reflect her life. You don't have to lie, they won't talk about her being a difficult person but they won't misrepresent who she was either.
It will be fine, please don't put this extra pressure on yourself given everything else you are dealing with right now.
Thank you I was putting pressure on myself. I hope I can think of enough good things/memories for the rabbi. I have to write an obit which she paid for, but that will be easy especially as the amount she paid ($550) only covers a few lines.
First I want to say you're a strong person, whether you feel this is true or not I can't know, but I've lived a similar version. I have spent plenty time of time dissecting the extreme dysfunction of childhood.
I wrote the obituaries for my grandmother whom I cared for the last 5 years of her life. She had several children who could have stepped in and made this easier but chose not to. I know you said eulogy, this is as close as I got as there was no funeral for Gram, my dad or my mom. Gram didn't want one and after paying for both of my parents cremations, I felt I'd done the most necessary thing for them since they didn't bother to have a plan of their own. They both died after years of being sick and had spouses and other children who wanted me to pay for everything since I am the oldest child.
Anyway; three times I wrote very nice obituaries for people who caused a lot of hurt to others and sadly had many dreams and hopes unfulfilled.
I focused on their hobbies, the days when they "did the best they were able to with their untreated mental health". Grab onto a couple of your best/favorite memories and share those. Share a good story, favorite music, goals achieved, places they enjoyed and whatever else comes to mind. It's not dishonest to leave out the "junk".
The people who will be at the funeral know your mom and are probably well aware of what her life was like so they won't be expecting a flowery eulogy. You can be truthful while staying away from hurtful things and it doesn't have to be a long drawn out speech. Maybe something like this:
"Mom had her challenges in life and she handled them the best she knew how. We don't get to choose our family but we can choose to accept each other and learn from each other along the way. She had a good heart and had to contend with very difficult circumstances while trying to raise a family. Like most of us, she did the best she could and I'm grateful for that.
Thank you all for being here today to say goodbye to mom. I know your presence would make her very happy."
Hello. My mom is 89, and is in an ALF on hospice. She took a turn for the worst last week. The hospice people said it could be tomorrow or it could be 2 weeks, but they think it will be within that 2 weeks.
I was the only person in my family to help her with aging issues, driving 90 minutes to go food shopping for her (how I would have loved InstaCart then!), take her to docs, find her an ALF on limited funds, do her laundry, etc.
So I know it will be on me alone to be in charge of the funeral. She has a pre-paid funeral so I don't have to worry about that. What I am worried about is writing the eulogy that will be honorable for her.
My mom has some mental issues, and she has a detachment from people that is almost like an autistic person. She is not warm and loving, doesn't have a real relationship with grandchildren or greats. She's not a bad person though, and she went through some really rough times, including my father sustaining a TBI when I was 5 that caused him to be severely brain-damaged and had to go to a Veterans home, while she had to go to secretarial school and work and we had to move in with her parents. She never had a lot of friends, etc. I never felt real love between us, and I can't actually say I will miss her company or anything (she was very critical, nothing I did was right, I bought the wrong Tide got me yelled at for 20 minutes, despite the fact I drove 90 minutes one way to go buy it for her) especially as she got older). Growing up especially as a teen, she was dating wanting desperately to have another husband, but the result was I was basically unsupervised from ages 12 to 16. Nothing can go wrong there, right? From 15 to 16, she spent weekends with her second husband-to-be, and my apartment needless to say became party central. I made sooo many mistakes that have shaped the rest of my life because there wasn't anyone around to stop me or notice me making them, and I admit even now at 59, there's some anger still deep inside me because of that. When I see people with great moms, even on TV like when they interview athletes and the mom comes on and you can see how much she loves him and how supportive she is, I still get twinges of jealousy that they got a mom like that.
I'm giving all this backstory to try to convey why I don't feel any real emotional attachment to her. However, I also feel she did the best she knew how to do. Nothing she did was malicious, she couldn't really control her anxieties and other issues (I think some OCD). She spent her life afraid. So I do feel pity for her, and loyalty to her to make sure she is okay, and that's why I have tried to help her through the years. I feel sorry for her and have for a long time now. She has never really been happy.
So now that you know the backstory, maybe you can see why I have no clue what to say in a eulogy for her. When I go to funerals most of the time there is a lot of "he was so giving and generous", "he was always there for his friends and family", etc. My mom was not any of those things. She was funny back in the day, and I do have some fond memories. But it was my grandmother who was all of those things for me and her eulogy would have been so easy to write.
Any advice would be appreciated. The funeral will most likely only be me, my fiance, my brother, his 2 kids and their combined 6 kids. All the other family are long dispersed or gone, and she didn't have any friends at the time she died. I don't even know what to say about her when the funeral people /rabbi interview me about her.
Let the Rabbi do it. I know at least in the Catholic church it's atypical for a family member to eulogize. The priest does it. Even when the priest doesn't know the deceased or family well, they're good at making a dignified commentary on their life even for people whose earthly legacy may be somewhat troubled from interviews with the family.
I'd assume a Rabbi is no different in that regard. Tell him what you wrote. I wish you luck and sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with.
Sorry for what you are going through. She's very lucky to have your loyalty. My mother was always emotionally distant and for most of my childhood physically distant, though hyper critical of me is how I'd describe what little of a relationship we did have. I gave up trying in my 20's. Most of the final expenses is taking care of the body. We didn't bother to have a funereal for my mother, no one would have attended.
My suggestion is to find out what your brother wants to do and what would bring you all the most closure. There is no obligation for you to speak, let the Rabbi do the speaking. I think you can and should be honest with him that you had a difficult relationship and you really wished you were much closer to her than you were. Funerals are mainly to offer support and comfort to those dealing with a loss, so place that responsibility on him.
Your story sounds very similar. My brother won’t get involved at all. But I will take your advice abs be honest with the rabbi.
Let the Rabbi do it. I know at least in the Catholic church it's atypical for a family member to eulogize. The priest does it. Even when the priest doesn't know the deceased or family well, they're good at making a dignified commentary on their life even for people whose earthly legacy may be somewhat troubled from interviews with the family.
I'd assume a Rabbi is no different in that regard. Tell him what you wrote. I wish you luck and sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with.
I didn’t realize that before I thought it was expected. I’m relieved to know it’s not.
Aww, ocnjgirl, I am so sorry to hear that your mom passed. I have followed your story through the Caregiving forum. You were very good to her and looked after her needs well.
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Based on my own experience, speaking about someone at their funeral or memorial is very difficult, and having to speak well of someone with whom you had a less than perfect relationship makes it all that much worse. This is not a time to lie and exaggerate, nor to be perfectly honest, especially in front of her friends and relatives. In your case with only close family members present you have no obligation to speak. If you are in fact stuck with being the presenter, you can simply stand up front and say something like:
"I would like to thank you all for being here to honor Mom, and I'd like to invite anyone who would like to speak and share any stories about Mom to come up and do so."
If no one comes up, just say "OK, thanks again for coming." and sit down. If people do speak, wait until all have finished and thank them.
Since 2013 I have lost a mother-in-law, sister, step-father, uncle, and two aunts. At some of them I did in fact speak but was motivated enough to overcome the stage fright in those cases due to a great relationship and respect for them. In the other cases I simply sat and listened to the others.
I'm very sorry for your lost - and sometimes, it's even harder to deal with the loss when the relationship isn't the smoothest, because now any chance to make things even a little better is gone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rfomd129
The people who will be at the funeral know your mom and are probably well aware of what her life was like so they won't be expecting a flowery eulogy. You can be truthful while staying away from hurtful things and it doesn't have to be a long drawn out speech. Maybe something like this:
"Mom had her challenges in life and she handled them the best she knew how. We don't get to choose our family but we can choose to accept each other and learn from each other along the way. She had a good heart and had to contend with very difficult circumstances while trying to raise a family. Like most of us, she did the best she could and I'm grateful for that.
Thank you all for being here today to say goodbye to mom. I know your presence would make her very happy."
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
Wow that’s awesome, thank you!
I agree that suggested language is very nice - but it's also ok if all you want to say is the final paragraph too. You don't need to justify your mother and her behavior or your relationship with her. It is nice to acknowledge the people who took the time to come, but it sounds like your mom probably had uneasy relationships with the others who will be there, so you don't have to present things in a positive light. I don't mean to say negative things, just that it's ok to let things be unsaid too.
I'm sorry for what you're going through ocnjgirl. End of life issues are difficult. I see you mentioned she passed this morning. My condolences to you.
I have a very difficult mother too and have decided she won't be getting a true funeral with visitation. There isn't anyone who wants to visit and pay their respects. She's alienated everyone in her life and my life when I was a child living with her. I don't need to have a funeral for her, it won't bring me any sort of closure and I don't need closure anyway.
She will be cremated and that will be that. Be true to yourself and don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with.
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