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Hello. My mom is 89, and is in an ALF on hospice. She took a turn for the worst last week. The hospice people said it could be tomorrow or it could be 2 weeks, but they think it will be within that 2 weeks.
I was the only person in my family to help her with aging issues, driving 90 minutes to go food shopping for her (how I would have loved InstaCart then!), take her to docs, find her an ALF on limited funds, do her laundry, etc.
So I know it will be on me alone to be in charge of the funeral. She has a pre-paid funeral so I don't have to worry about that. What I am worried about is writing the eulogy that will be honorable for her.
My mom has some mental issues, and she has a detachment from people that is almost like an autistic person. She is not warm and loving, doesn't have a real relationship with grandchildren or greats. She's not a bad person though, and she went through some really rough times, including my father sustaining a TBI when I was 5 that caused him to be severely brain-damaged and had to go to a Veterans home, while she had to go to secretarial school and work and we had to move in with her parents. She never had a lot of friends, etc. I never felt real love between us, and I can't actually say I will miss her company or anything (she was very critical, nothing I did was right, I bought the wrong Tide got me yelled at for 20 minutes, despite the fact I drove 90 minutes one way to go buy it for her) especially as she got older). Growing up especially as a teen, she was dating wanting desperately to have another husband, but the result was I was basically unsupervised from ages 12 to 16. Nothing can go wrong there, right? From 15 to 16, she spent weekends with her second husband-to-be, and my apartment needless to say became party central. I made sooo many mistakes that have shaped the rest of my life because there wasn't anyone around to stop me or notice me making them, and I admit even now at 59, there's some anger still deep inside me because of that. When I see people with great moms, even on TV like when they interview athletes and the mom comes on and you can see how much she loves him and how supportive she is, I still get twinges of jealousy that they got a mom like that.
I'm giving all this backstory to try to convey why I don't feel any real emotional attachment to her. However, I also feel she did the best she knew how to do. Nothing she did was malicious, she couldn't really control her anxieties and other issues (I think some OCD). She spent her life afraid. So I do feel pity for her, and loyalty to her to make sure she is okay, and that's why I have tried to help her through the years. I feel sorry for her and have for a long time now. She has never really been happy.
So now that you know the backstory, maybe you can see why I have no clue what to say in a eulogy for her. When I go to funerals most of the time there is a lot of "he was so giving and generous", "he was always there for his friends and family", etc. My mom was not any of those things. She was funny back in the day, and I do have some fond memories. But it was my grandmother who was all of those things for me and her eulogy would have been so easy to write.
Any advice would be appreciated. The funeral will most likely only be me, my fiance, my brother, his 2 kids and their combined 6 kids. All the other family are long dispersed or gone, and she didn't have any friends at the time she died. I don't even know what to say about her when the funeral people /rabbi interview me about her.
The funeral people and the rabbi will know what to ask and what to say. You say it will be a small ceremony, so maybe you don't even have to give a eulogy. I didn't when my husband died, or my dad or my brother. With my mom, we didn't have a funeral. We simply had a family talent show (she enjoyed those) later in the year, and each person who got up just said something like "This is for her." My youngest son even shared a sort of negative but funny memory and everyone laughed! Like your mom, my mom was not friendly or very loving and she had mental health issues, and I had a complicated relationship with her, but like your mom, my mom wasn't malicious and I feel like she did the best she could with her challenges.
I am sorry about your mom by the way. Hugs to you.
There was little I could have said about my mother at her memorial that was kind so my sister and I didn't say anything. The priest did the memorial. Nobody got up to speak. It's been two years and I don't miss her one bit. She abandoned my sister and I when we were 3 & 4 and didn't come back into our lives until we were grown. She was given a lot of grace by my sister and I in her final years.
I delivered a heartfelt eulogy for my mother but there was none for my father. I think you should do what YOU need to do to feel at peace.
Being a loyal, devoted daugher, you may feel the need to deliver a eulogy despite your relationship. In that case, the eulogy doesn't need to be about her relationship with you or others but a reflection on the life that she lived. For the eulogy for my mother I brought to light many of her life struggles that I believed were unknown to many people; hoping that it might bring some understanding of why she was the person she was. My cousin delivered a eulogy about his mother, my aunt, and shared her how she battled insecurities and it helped me better understand and be more forgiving of some of her behaviors.
You might just want to reflect on the hardships she endured while raising a family and having health issues later in life and how you take solace that she finally is at peace.
Just focus on the positive. Please. Nobody wants to hear anything even remotely negative about a deceased. Good luck and sorry..
The problem is that one does not want the eulogy to amount to a comic parody. I was actually suspended from a Canadian bulletin board by writing a "eulogy" for Fidel Castro that started: "He was a simple man, a good man, a man of his people...." The moderators didn't like the humor. Mourners at a funeral would not appreciate it either.
Mom- born 19XX, died 2021, pre-deceased by her husband "Bob" and is survived by OCNJgirl and whoever.
I knew a guy that was extremely accomplished, education/career etc but was a nasty guy in the middle of a horrendous divorce. Wife wrote the obit:
XXXXXXX XXXXX, died on ________, services at_______. Zero mention of anything the guy did.
Guy had a life that could have filled 3-4 paragraphs. US patents he got earned him millions, his military service/professional accomplishments were extensive. Bad divorce resulted in a very brief obit.
I was at a funeral a month or so ago that ex-wife was in charge of too, and it was awful. He lived with his fiancé and her child for several years and neither were even mentioned or acknowledged, only his sons. I left really angry about it. But I guess that's what happens without leaving your wishes known or who you want to be in charge.
I wouldnt do one at all..not out of spite but because its stressing you out..I didnt do one for my own mother . found it too embarrassing and she was too complex. Id have been there all day.. you take care of yourself now ...its your time to have a life.. and good luck..x
Thank you, yes, I am stressing out about it. I'll either say something very simple like the poster above suggested, or nothing. But somehow my niece opting to read a poem makes me feel like I have to as well, but I know that's not the case.
Your obit sounds fine, and I agree the obit prices are shocking!
My parents both wrote an outline for their own obits, and it was so helpful that we will do the same.
For example, we found it interesting that my dad, with 3 college degrees plus interesting military service, found it important to include that he played on a semi-pro ball team when in his 20s (died in his 90s). It was such a great experience for him and he had fond memories, plus my mother watched him play. We knew about that, of course, but probably would not have thought to include it.
We could not give a eulogy during Catholic Mass, but were welcomed to speak after it concluded. One grandchild did the honors, surrounded by other grandchildren for support. There was a line about Dad greeting Mother in Heaven, which we found out later was a no-no to say as we are not the “deciders” of that. We all thought my parents would get a big kick out of that.
You just do the best you can with services but what you do for the living is the most important. Being a constant advocate in your mother’s care will be your main memory. Peace to you.
I delivered a heartfelt eulogy for my mother but there was none for my father. I think you should do what YOU need to do to feel at peace.
Being a loyal, devoted daugher, you may feel the need to deliver a eulogy despite your relationship. In that case, the eulogy doesn't need to be about her relationship with you or others but a reflection on the life that she lived. For the eulogy for my mother I brought to light many of her life struggles that I believed were unknown to many people; hoping that it might bring some understanding of why she was the person she was. My cousin delivered a eulogy about his mother, my aunt, and shared her how she battled insecurities and it helped me better understand and be more forgiving of some of her behaviors.
You might just want to reflect on the hardships she endured while raising a family and having health issues later in life and how you take solace that she finally is at peace.
That's an interesting take. All the people that will be there (only kids, grandkids) are pretty familiar with her, but it's something to consider.
That's so weird most of the funerals I've gone to have been to have had a loved one getting up and giving a speech of sorts. I'm glad to know it's not required or even the norm. No, all her relatives that lived in the area are long gone. Her step-son might come, I'm not sure.
There really are no rules. If a family member feels like they want to speak, then that's great. For my dad's celebration of life, 2 cousins we are very close to spoke, and 3 of his close friends, and the rabbi. My nieces sang one of his favorite songs (they are professionally trained). My mom, sister and I did not speak and that was ok too.
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