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I'm giving all this backstory to try to convey why I don't feel any real emotional attachment to her. However, I also feel she did the best she knew how to do. Nothing she did was malicious, she couldn't really control her anxieties and other issues (I think some OCD). She spent her life afraid. So I do feel pity for her, and loyalty to her to make sure she is okay, and that's why I have tried to help her through the years. I feel sorry for her and have for a long time now. She has never really been happy.
So now that you know the backstory, maybe you can see why I have no clue what to say in a eulogy for her. When I go to funerals most of the time there is a lot of "he was so giving and generous", "he was always there for his friends and family", etc. My mom was not any of those things. She was funny back in the day, and I do have some fond memories. But it was my grandmother who was all of those things for me and her eulogy would have been so easy to write.
Any advice would be appreciated. The funeral will most likely only be me, my fiance, my brother, his 2 kids and their combined 6 kids. All the other family are long dispersed or gone, and she didn't have any friends at the time she died. I don't even know what to say about her when the funeral people /rabbi interview me about her.
I never gave you thoughts on a eulogy. Only you know yourself. Do you think you will have regret if you do not say something positive about her? You feel like you need to, otherwise you wouldn't have made the thread. I know enough about you from your posts here that it is possible you may have regrets later on.
You did a great job telling us positive stuff about her in your post. I don't doubt you can compile a few words to say something if you do feel the need. It's ok if you pass on it. I was very close to my dad, did not get up and speak because I was too distraught. I don't think I could have stood up there and done it. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Every person there knew how much I loved my dad and how much he loved me. I'm sure every one of them understood why I didn't get up there and talk, especially under the circumstances with not knowing if the paternity test result, even though I knew in my heart he was my father. I do regret it, but he had a few of his rescue squad friends that blew me away with what they said.
I missed that she has great grandchildren. I would also name them in the obituary. My biggest peeve is when people gloss over the grand kids or some special people. My son's great aunt had no kids. My son was like the child she never had. He did not get mentioned except to say "great nieces and nephews". There is no reason why my SIL could not list the few nieces and nephews that there were even though my son was the only one regularly in her life. Instead her nieces and nephews were mentioned by name, even though some of them rarely saw her.
I do think you can put a few good memories together and add how she was funny back in the day. You can also say something about how you all overcame your upbringing to do better.
I never gave you thoughts on a eulogy. Only you know yourself. Do you think you will have regret if you do not say something positive about her? You feel like you need to, otherwise you wouldn't have made the thread. I know enough about you from your posts here that it is possible you may have regrets later on.
You did a great job telling us positive stuff about her in your post. I don't doubt you can compile a few words to say something if you do feel the need. It's ok if you pass on it. I was very close to my dad, did not get up and speak because I was too distraught. I don't think I could have stood up there and done it. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Every person there knew how much I loved my dad and how much he loved me. I'm sure every one of them understood why I didn't get up there and talk, especially under the circumstances with not knowing if the paternity test result, even though I knew in my heart he was my father. I do regret it, but he had a few of his rescue squad friends that blew me away with what they said.
I missed that she has great grandchildren. I would also name them in the obituary. My biggest peeve is when people gloss over the grand kids or some special people. My son's great aunt had no kids. My son was like the child she never had. He did not get mentioned except to say "great nieces and nephews". There is no reason why my SIL could not list the few nieces and nephews that there were even though my son was the only one regularly in her life. Instead her nieces and nephews were mentioned by name, even though some of them rarely saw her.
I do think you can put a few good memories together and add how she was funny back in the day. You can also say something about how you all overcame your upbringing to do better.
I tried to include that info. I put that "she leaves a daughter (my name) and son (brother's name), 2 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren" but the lady from the funeral home might have taken it out. Apparently, $550 only gets you like 2 lines max, and I am not paying for an obit there's no one left alive to see that would care, that wasn't in our contact list.
Mom- born 19XX, died 2021, pre-deceased by her husband "Bob" and is survived by OCNJgirl and whoever.
I knew a guy that was extremely accomplished, education/career etc but was a nasty guy in the middle of a horrendous divorce. Wife wrote the obit:
XXXXXXX XXXXX, died on ________, services at_______. Zero mention of anything the guy did.
Guy had a life that could have filled 3-4 paragraphs. US patents he got earned him millions, his military service/professional accomplishments were extensive. Bad divorce resulted in a very brief obit.
Just relate some of your fond memories. Comment on her long life and determination to go on despite her many hardships and adversities. And end with a prayer for her soul.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
Hello. My mom is 89, and is in an ALF on hospice. She took a turn for the worst last week. The hospice people said it could be tomorrow or it could be 2 weeks, but they think it will be within that 2 weeks.
I was the only person in my family to help her with aging issues, driving 90 minutes to go food shopping for her (how I would have loved InstaCart then!), take her to docs, find her an ALF on limited funds, do her laundry, etc.
So I know it will be on me alone to be in charge of the funeral. She has a pre-paid funeral so I don't have to worry about that. What I am worried about is writing the eulogy that will be honorable for her.
My mom has some mental issues, and she has a detachment from people that is almost like an autistic person. She is not warm and loving, doesn't have a real relationship with grandchildren or greats. She's not a bad person though, and she went through some really rough times, including my father sustaining a TBI when I was 5 that caused him to be severely brain-damaged and had to go to a Veterans home, while she had to go to secretarial school and work and we had to move in with her parents. She never had a lot of friends, etc. I never felt real love between us, and I can't actually say I will miss her company or anything (she was very critical, nothing I did was right, I bought the wrong Tide got me yelled at for 20 minutes, despite the fact I drove 90 minutes one way to go buy it for her) especially as she got older). Growing up especially as a teen, she was dating wanting desperately to have another husband, but the result was I was basically unsupervised from ages 12 to 16. Nothing can go wrong there, right? From 15 to 16, she spent weekends with her second husband-to-be, and my apartment needless to say became party central. I made sooo many mistakes that have shaped the rest of my life because there wasn't anyone around to stop me or notice me making them, and I admit even now at 59, there's some anger still deep inside me because of that. When I see people with great moms, even on TV like when they interview athletes and the mom comes on and you can see how much she loves him and how supportive she is, I still get twinges of jealousy that they got a mom like that.
I'm giving all this backstory to try to convey why I don't feel any real emotional attachment to her. However, I also feel she did the best she knew how to do. Nothing she did was malicious, she couldn't really control her anxieties and other issues (I think some OCD). She spent her life afraid. So I do feel pity for her, and loyalty to her to make sure she is okay, and that's why I have tried to help her through the years. I feel sorry for her and have for a long time now. She has never really been happy.
So now that you know the backstory, maybe you can see why I have no clue what to say in a eulogy for her. When I go to funerals most of the time there is a lot of "he was so giving and generous", "he was always there for his friends and family", etc. My mom was not any of those things. She was funny back in the day, and I do have some fond memories. But it was my grandmother who was all of those things for me and her eulogy would have been so easy to write.
Any advice would be appreciated. The funeral will most likely only be me, my fiance, my brother, his 2 kids and their combined 6 kids. All the other family are long dispersed or gone, and she didn't have any friends at the time she died. I don't even know what to say about her when the funeral people /rabbi interview me about her.
I wouldnt do one at all..not out of spite but because its stressing you out..I didnt do one for my own mother . found it too embarrassing and she was too complex. Id have been there all day.. you take care of yourself now ...its your time to have a life.. and good luck..x
Your obit sounds fine, and I agree the obit prices are shocking!
My parents both wrote an outline for their own obits, and it was so helpful that we will do the same.
For example, we found it interesting that my dad, with 3 college degrees plus interesting military service, found it important to include that he played on a semi-pro ball team when in his 20s (died in his 90s). It was such a great experience for him and he had fond memories, plus my mother watched him play. We knew about that, of course, but probably would not have thought to include it.
We could not give a eulogy during Catholic Mass, but were welcomed to speak after it concluded. One grandchild did the honors, surrounded by other grandchildren for support. There was a line about Dad greeting Mother in Heaven, which we found out later was a no-no to say as we are not the “deciders†of that. We all thought my parents would get a big kick out of that.
You just do the best you can with services but what you do for the living is the most important. Being a constant advocate in your mother’s care will be your main memory. Peace to you.
So I know it will be on me alone to be in charge of the funeral. She has a pre-paid funeral so I don't have to worry about that. What I am worried about is writing the eulogy that will be honorable for her.
My mom has some mental issues, and she has a detachment from people that is almost like an autistic person. She is not warm and loving, doesn't have a real relationship with grandchildren or greats. ******
So now that you know the backstory, maybe you can see why I have no clue what to say in a eulogy for her.
Both my uncle with my grandmother's funeral and myself with my mother's had that problem. She had the nickname "Rusty" since she was a red-head.
Both of our respective mothers were "pot stirrers" and usually, though not always, in a damaging and unproductive manner. Here are excerpts from some of mine I am quoting only the parts about how I handled her difficulty personality:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rusty Eulogy
EARLY YEARS
*****My mother always marched to the drummer of excellence. She was *** laude in college and wanted to go on to graduate work and a professional career. The norms of the day, in the 1950’s world struggling after WW II to return to normalcy, conspired against that.
FIRST MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN
So my mother married my biological father, Jerry ***** of blessed memory and produced me. She wanted more children, something not given her until she met and married Ed. She spent a lot of those years energizing my father and his career. I always thought that she expressed her own drive through pushing his interior architecture business. She never, until this past Wednesday, allowed herself to relax. Her aim was always to keep the pot stirring, to make herself and others better.
************ FINAL REMARKS
I made many choices she would not have made. I preferred the simpler, more down to earth life style exemplified by my wife. It took her until she was in the desperate throes of illness to see that my wife’s hard work, grit and loyalty were values that transcended the “rat race†lifestyle of her Beach Club and (affluent suburb) peers.
Rusty was not in any way perfect. While she exemplified excellence she was quite opinionated. To quote Paul ******, a lifelong friend of the family my mother was a “lay it on the line person.†This alienated many, but also kept everyone around her for whom she was responsible driven and focused.
She could not really learn to relax. She fought the fight. And gave up peacefully when her time came, December 17, 2014 at 4:05 p.m., or 24 minutes before the end of the first night of Chanukah.
I pre-wrote some of it, not being sure if pre-writing a eulogy is a "kinoherah" in my religion. I hope this helps, but every situation is very different.
The people who will be at the funeral know your mom and are probably well aware of what her life was like so they won't be expecting a flowery eulogy. You can be truthful while staying away from hurtful things and it doesn't have to be a long drawn out speech. Maybe something like this:
"Mom had her challenges in life and she handled them the best she knew how. We don't get to choose our family but we can choose to accept each other and learn from each other along the way. She had a good heart and had to contend with very difficult circumstances while trying to raise a family. Like most of us, she did the best she could and I'm grateful for that.
Thank you all for being here today to say goodbye to mom. I know your presence would make her very happy."
That's very touching. My tears are running. You are so good. Sincerely.
OP, you are a very strong person and kind daughter to your mom. From what you described about her, I think she was trying to do her best too.
Everybody wishes to be born into a good and rich family, with nice, kind, loving, understanding and supportive parents, and to be handsome, beautiful, healthy, social, and growing up to be successful and happy always. But life does not happen like that for everyone. Some people can be born with all the great conditions above, but they can screw up themselves - that's true. Some others can be born in the opposite conditions, but they can overcome them, although not easy for sure.
Lots of times, I think everybody has a fate. You could not choose your parents. But you can choose or learn how to live your life when you are an adult when you have good health and mind.
Every family has issues/problems. All parents and children have conflicts and frictions, I believe. I've heard too much about parents complained about their children and children complained too much about their parents. On here and IRL, so many people complained about how dysfunctional their families (parents, siblings and relatives) are. That is reality. Every family is dysfunctional in some way, more or less. The more people are close to each other, the more people expect, or feeling entitled, from others, the more they are disappointed or hate others for what they cannot get.
Sometimes, I hear some people talk about how good, nice, wonderful their spouse, partners, parents, children are in public, on TV, or IRL, I do doubt if they are all true (?) Lots of people want face and can or have to pretend everything is great or perfect. Lots of people like to brag also. You never know what is really like behind their closed doors.
After all, everybody lives and dies. Everything shall pass. I believe it's healthier to try to find and think about good/positive things about others than bad/negative things about them.
Thank you, surely you do understand. And thanks for validating that I did my best. I did a short paragraph, date/where she died, kids and grandkids, work, time and location of services. 5 lines total, and the Funeral Parlor called me and told me it would cost much more than the $550 she paid for (outrageous!) so I gave her permission to trim it as she saw fit.
I give you a lot of credit for all that you've done. I know it couldn't have been easy to do all she needed to do, especially when she wasn't in the next town. Thankfully you were able to move her there at least the drive was under 30 minutes one way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
I tried to include that info. I put that "she leaves a daughter (my name) and son (brother's name), 2 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren" but the lady from the funeral home might have taken it out. Apparently, $550 only gets you like 2 lines max, and I am not paying for an obit there's no one left alive to see that would care, that wasn't in our contact list.
I didn't realize they give so little for a lot of money. That's ridiculous. My dad's was long, I don't know what they charged for it. I would have made sure it was added if his wife was going to cheap out since he wrote it with me a week before he died.
You can make her a memorial on find a grave if someone doesn't catch her obituary and make one. You can add whatever you want to her bio such as a detailed obituary.
Hello. My mom is 89, and is in an ALF on hospice. She took a turn for the worst last week. The hospice people said it could be tomorrow or it could be 2 weeks, but they think it will be within that 2 weeks.
I emailed a full text of the latest written draft of the eulogy. I ask you not to share my name or other real-life information.
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