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I just always went on the premise that my job as a parent was to prepare my child for independent adulthood. I had 18 years to make sure they had all the skills, education, work ethic, financial basics, etc. Some parents would be sad when their child went on to the next level of school, I'd celebrate because they accomplished another milestone towards independence. And sometimes its easier when they're younger. Sometimes the teenage years can be tough with some of them.
As a grandparent, the teaching continues. And honestly, I'm still teaching, guiding and encouraging my grown kids. I'm glad we have relationships where they can be independent but still call me to discuss things.
I hate to see parents micromanaging or hovering over their child's every move when the child should be learning to be responsible and earning more freedoms.
Ok, so I’m old, and I was raised by a dad who went to work and mowed the yard, and a Mother who did everything else. After she died, my grandmother did everything for us. They were wrong to not expect more of us, but it wasn’t us kids’ fault. We all kept tidy homes, but I’m not sure why we didn’t wind up slovenly.
I raised 4 kids and I did everything for them. Vicious cycle. Now that dh and I are retired, I notice that, unintentionally, I have positioned myself so that he does almost everything, except the shopping and cooking.
OP is right, that patterns are set very early in a child’s life, but there is also an individual component. Some people are sticklers for order and hard work, and some aren’t.
Very good post....
my maternal mother worked 2 jobs sometimes 3 babysitting, and I had to do all the cooking and housework, and while my mother was abusive, I never resented learning all these things, what I did resent is the fact that after lets say, making the bed, if it wasn't made right, she'd tear the entire bed apart and make me redo it right...which is what I resented and back then we got down on our hands and knees, and washed up floors....once a week we cleaned...
We had a claw foot tub, and when she came home, yup you guessed it, she'd take her hand under the tub and if there was dirt, I had to redo it....
That was and always will be wrong...doesn't matter if it's done exactly as mom would do it, what matters is the fact that the kids are pitching in and assuming some responsibility for household chores....
In old movies, you see kids standing on kitchen chairs that have been pushed over to the sink and they are doing the dishes, as it should be.
If we do everything for kids, when they grow to be 20 they won't have a clue.
I started this thread, b/c I had an Italian husband, whose mother was old Traditional Italian, overpowering, interfering and did everythig for her son...even approved that he ran around....anyway, after 14 years of him, I learned to deeply resent him, b/c he didn't do much, but work....and I mean that...and I resented his mother even more, I can't even tell you how badly she spoiled him...and totally interfered in our marriage. So, I vowed my son would never ever sit around while a working wife did all the housework and mowed the lawn.
Everyday I'd make a list for him of chores he needed to accomplish, and honestly, they didn't have to be done perfectly, just done....and before coming down for breakfast, he had to make his bed...pick up his room and keep it clear and neat.
At the age of 15 he got a job, of course not full time, and still was expected to do housework, he lived there, got free room and board and was expected to help. When he got up from the table, he took his dishes over to the sink and rinsed them off and popped them in the dishwasher.
Getting a job is great for a kid, why? So they learn team work, that not all rules are the same as at home, but should still be respected....he learned how to manage his own money, working with others teaches socialization, and skills you may never ever use again, but might...?
I remember waiting tables when I was 15 and we had 2 younger boys who worked bussing tables, boy they were the best workers...and was always so happy to have them on my station busing....they werre awesome.
We need to teach our kids that it's not someone's job to do dishes, do laundry or take out the trash or mow, we all live there and we should all pitch in as a family or a team and help around the house. IN the end it pays off, big time.
I worked with a man who operated a huge backhoe, and he told me, his wife and he alternated chores every week, one week he'd clean the upstairs and she'd do the downstairs, and next weekend, they'd switch....
I don't understand, why families don't realize this and set up chores for their kids when they're small....and boot their butts out the door to get a job....
Again, my grand daughter manages a food restaurant at nights, and on family night she sometimes shares stories of what lousey workers these kids are, but, she said, They want a paycheck? Actually this is a problem all over, business owners would rather higher retired employees rather then kids, b/c they can't get kids to work, let alone show up.
So parents are not helping these kids, but stagnating them, and they have no work ethics....
Not to mention, again, creating a huge monster for the woman who marrys the young man whose mother did every thing for.
TamaraSavannah - good points about TV. I hear/read a lot of people who are dismissive of the influence of TV/movies, saying "everyone knows it's entertainment, that it's not real", but I beg to differ. I think TV and movies are highly influential as to how people perceive the world and expect things to be. Look how much we (society) reference Leave It to Beaver, even though it was just a TV show. We treat it like it represented all of reality. I think that's why there's so much angst when issues of representation surface... because we know deep down that it does matter.
TV and Movies, and Computer games are huge influences...huge....
I remember how upset my foster parents were when we were watching the sitcom, "Good Times" and how those kids talked back to their parents, we were forbidden to watch that show....
We had family nights by the TV that we all watched together on Sat and Sunday nights, however, none of us kids, were fans of Lawrence Welk. LOL
Quote:
So true. Kids learn not so much by what you tell them, than by what they see you doing and what they hear you saying in normal conversation.
Oh Absolutely! Kids parrot parents...I live here in Kentucky and what makes me cringe is these kids go to school, but they are constantly saying, "I seen" Good Lord, this is 2023, not 1835...and the vids I see parents taking and putting up on TicTok, are mostly disgusting, they don't care about their babies, what they care about is getting a video and posting it?
Now mind you, I'm not talking about all kids, and young parents, there are definately some good kids out there, who had and have great parents....but when your young, you don't realize the huge responsiblity or influence you have over your children....
I just always went on the premise that my job as a parent was to prepare my child for independent adulthood. I had 18 years to make sure they had all the skills, education, work ethic, financial basics, etc. Some parents would be sad when their child went on to the next level of school, I'd celebrate because they accomplished another milestone towards independence. And sometimes its easier when they're younger. Sometimes the teenage years can be tough with some of them.
As a grandparent, the teaching continues. And honestly, I'm still teaching, guiding and encouraging my grown kids. I'm glad we have relationships where they can be independent but still call me to discuss things.
I hate to see parents micromanaging or hovering over their child's every move when the child should be learning to be responsible and earning more freedoms.
Wonderful Post, give the reader hope, thank yo for what you've done with your kids...and yes, you are correct...it is our job as parents...
I see so many mothers crying b/c their kids have advanced to the next level of school when in fact, they should be celebrating!
I wasn't allowed to watch any tv at all during the week and I'm not sure it helped me out in life. I think it made my mother feel better about herself in that she wasn't letting her kids watch tv during the week. I see that a lot today from parents not allowing kids to watch tv or use iPads. They think they are being better parents for it or something meanwhile their kids are running amok and they're not doing anything about it.
When is it too much that it becomes excessive? I can see both sides of this, however, to forbid ever watching TV or using iPads is a bit excessive....however, on the other side of social media, there are a lot of really bad people out there....and while posting pictures of kids is cute, there are pediphiles lurking....and young parents are warned against it....so, I can see both sides. Im wondering if maybe your mother didn't have time to screen TV shows, so she cut them all out? Did you ever ask her why?
When is it too much that it becomes excessive? I can see both sides of this, however, to forbid ever watching TV or using iPads is a bit excessive....however, on the other side of social media, there are a lot of really bad people out there....and while posting pictures of kids is cute, there are pediphiles lurking....and young parents are warned against it....so, I can see both sides. Im wondering if maybe your mother didn't have time to screen TV shows, so she cut them all out? Did you ever ask her why?
I think she just wanted me focusing on school work and not wasting time watching TV. I understand where she was coming from but as long as homework was complete I didn't see the harm in watching 90210. It's possible she thought a show like that would be a bad influence. I suppose I could ask her...i recall not being allowed to do a lot...couldnt wear my hair a certain way, couldnt wear long earrings. Just things that seemed like they shouldnt have been a big deal but she wanted me a certain way. Also when i was in high school there was no on demand tv or netflix. If there was nothing to watch, there was nothing to watch. It was much easier for parents to screen shows than it is today. My kids really just like watching silly things on youtube.
I think she just wanted me focusing on school work and not wasting time watching TV. I understand where she was coming from but as long as homework was complete I didn't see the harm in watching 90210. It's possible she thought a show like that would be a bad influence. I suppose I could ask her...i recall not being allowed to do a lot...couldnt wear my hair a certain way, couldnt wear long earrings. Just things that seemed like they shouldnt have been a big deal but she wanted me a certain way. Also when i was in high school there was no on demand tv or netflix. If there was nothing to watch, there was nothing to watch. It was much easier for parents to screen shows than it is today. My kids really just like watching silly things on youtube.
If it were me, and I could carry on a sensible conversation with my mother, I would most certainly ask her....
Did she raise you without a father?
wearing your hair a certain way and long earrings, might be suggestive of (back in her day) viewed as improper according to her upbring, depending on the year of her childhood and her parents moral values?
you might want to ask her, stating your simply curious.
If it were me, and I could carry on a sensible conversation with my mother, I would most certainly ask her....
Did she raise you without a father?
wearing your hair a certain way and long earrings, might be suggestive of (back in her day) viewed as improper according to her upbring, depending on the year of her childhood and her parents moral values?
you might want to ask her, stating your simply curious.
Yes, I think she wanted to keep me a little girl for as long as she could. Permed hair, puffy bangs and long earrings were definitely not little girl to her. I could ask, kind of don't feel like getting into with her. I grew up with a father, they are still together. He let her be the boss on those things and never got involved. I also dont think he could have given a damn how I wore my hair, lol.
My daughter is only 7 but I will let her be more expressive with herself/style
I suppose what I'm trying to relate is that parents need to teach their kids, that in a household, everyone needs to chip in and help, it's not one person's job to do housework, wash dishes, do laundry, make the beds, grocery shop, mow lawns etc....I believe the more life experience and independent they are, the less they feel the need for a man, therefore making them more selective.
Parents are doing their children a favor by allowing them and teaching them to be versitile in chores around the house...teaching them how to enter the work force at an early age....
I worked since I was 13 years old, and all the kids in our school did, and we had so much fun, but we worked, and no we didn't look forward to it, but we worked, it was simply part of our belief system, we did it just because. We also made more friends that way, we learned team building by working, learned skills that might come in handly later in life, or not, but we also learned how to manage our money, how to not spend money we didn't have, we didn't charge things...
Not everything about the past or 50 years ago was correct, of course, but kids were surely different then, oh yeah, we had some bad ones, but not like today....kids whispered in the doctors office, we learned not to throw trash around or out the window...I believe we were more mature then, why? Because we were given responsibilities to complete. My son agrees, being a police officer, he gets to see it all and he cannot wait to retire. He said that kids today, do not know how to problem solve without asking mom how to do things. Hence the importance of teaching them chores, putting them out there to work in the world....if only a few hours a week...
I know what you're trying to relate and I posted in the same vein. I didn't mean to say parents couldn't be teachers like the teachers in school. I meant most parents couldn't be teachers to their kids - of anything. Of course, if the people I'm thinking of shouldn't be parents in the first place, then they can't teach their kids anything anyway. Nor do they want to.
IndyDancer I agree with your basic premise about getting kids involved in chores, but there is an odd emphasis/paradox happening in these posts with the girls. Most of the chores you listed above have historically fallen to women/girls, other than maybe mowing lawns.
doesn't matter what the chore may be, what matters is that the husbands chip in, especially if the wife is working full time, but it surely doesn't hurt to teach ALL kids to do these chores...I don't believe it's the GIRLS job or the Boys job to do anything, its a dual responsibility, which is what we should be teaching our children as well.
Quite frankly I have a bad taste in my mouth about mothers doing everything for their sons...there should be no reason why a full grown man is living at home or even a student, for that matter and his mother is still doing his laundry???? Are you kidding me? This is why wives get so frustrated, feel used and like they have no life...because her mother in law's only purpose was doing for her son...which debilitated him and did his now wife a whole lot of harm and resentment. Or at least that's what happened to me....
But all kids should pitch in at home and do the chores, boys and girls...so they are independent and don't get married b/c they NEED a husband or wife.
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