Was I Right to Call Out My Kids (meal, appropriate, chores)

[North Beach Person]

Hmmm. My kids all called/texted and that's all I expected or want. For years I've told them to not get me anything for the various gifting holidays.

My youngest son did get me a card, but he likes funny cards. His oldest sister sent me a picture of the granddaughters.

[Jonmarc]

Thanks for all the responses and points of views. I’ll try to answer some of the questions asked.

In the past they’ve done things like go out for dinner and bought a card and a small gift so that is why this hurt.

This lack of apologizing only seems to have started in the few years since college.

For Mother’s Day I was all over them to do something. I made dinner the night before and on the day. My older child gave my wife a card. Our younger child went and got my wife her favorite breakfast. I thought that I’d get similar treatment.

My wife admitted she should have reminded them to do something. She’s been very busy working though so I understand why she didn’t. But these are adults now so I think it’s reasonable to expect them to do something without being told to.

I didn’t demand they do anything. I suggested what I thought they might have done. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

Neither child has responded to my text. The younger child has given me the silent treatment. Thats very telling and not good. Very immature.

[DubbleT]

Originally Posted by Jonmarc

Neither child has responded to my text. The younger child has given me the silent treatment. Thats very telling and not good. Very immature.

Honestly, your text to them didn't set a good example on mature communication.
As kids get older it should be expected that your home, your family is no longer their central focus. They are busy creating their own lives and their focus shifts away from putting mom and dad front and center. By reading them the riot act you ARE demanding instead of suggesting and you're treating them as though they are still children. It's up to them how they choose, or don't choose, to celebrate holidays with you. It can be very hurtful if they choose not to make the big deal of it that you would like or expect, but it's not your call any longer.
Many posters here have said that you were over the top with your text, that NO, you were not right to call them out in the manner that you did. Can you be the one to take the high road and make the first move to reach out to them to fix this breach?

[Maddie104]

You should have stayed on message about your disappointment and hurt and reminding them how much these holidays have meant to you in the past and continue to mean to you. Adult children can lose sight of how much these holiday gestures mean to their parents.

The personal attacks are counter productive. Who would be motivated to do something nice for someone after name calling? I think you should apologize for the personal attacks and name calling and that you love them.

[RamenAddict]

Originally Posted by Jonmarc

Thanks for all the responses and points of views. I’ll try to answer some of the questions asked.

In the past they’ve done things like go out for dinner and bought a card and a small gift so that is why this hurt.

This lack of apologizing only seems to have started in the few years since college.

For Mother’s Day I was all over them to do something. I made dinner the night before and on the day. My older child gave my wife a card. Our younger child went and got my wife her favorite breakfast. I thought that I’d get similar treatment.

My wife admitted she should have reminded them to do something. She’s been very busy working though so I understand why she didn’t. But these are adults now so I think it’s reasonable to expect them to do something without being told to.

I didn’t demand they do anything. I suggested what I thought they might have done. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

Neither child has responded to my text. The younger child has given me the silent treatment. Thats very telling and not good. Very immature.

Very immature by who? It seems like you are the immature one by flipping out on your younger son. Even if they are older, it doesn’t mean they are mind readers. I know in my family, once everyone became adults, we sort of just silently decided that making a big deal about holidays wasn’t something we cared to do anymore.

One thing about a gift is that it is just that, a GIFT. Once a person is an adult, you can’t demand they do anything anymore. They did seem to give you a call or say Happy Father’s Day, so it wasn’t like they forgot the holiday entirely. With your level of expectations, it wouldn’t be surprising if they pushed you away entirely. When I was around their age, I had one friend who basically cut his family off after his wedding due to unrealistic expectations, and others decided they just wanted to have their own holidays without any family drama. That’s the route your on right now with this attitude.

[L00k4ward]

Originally Posted by Jonmarc

Thanks for all the responses and points of views. …

This lack of apologizing only seems to have started in the few years since college.

…

I didn’t demand they do anything. I suggested what I thought they might have done. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

Neither child has responded to my text. The younger child has given me the silent treatment. Thats very telling and not good. Very immature.

FWIW - I understand your disappointment, but not anger.

However, you raised these children - evaluate where the mistakes are being made if they are not acting as expected.
Could it be correctable- perhaps?
An Honest open expression of disappointment face to face could be the best or better yet - funny jokes/teasing would elicit better reactions?

What were your expectations of the results after you hit that “send” button?

Someone once said -Flaubert? something like that:
That we love people for all the good we did for them and hate/resent them for all the bad we did to them.

Your e-mail might have caused your children resentment towards you.

You too should look sternly into yourself as you seem to harbor feelings of resentment/anger too.

You now have distanced yourself from your kids. Would you rather receive next year’s obligatory Father’s Day card with fake words and thoughtless “Love, X” or have a feeling of being loved and cared for?

Maybe you equate love with money? And expect reciprocity because you spend on them?

How often you spend alone time with your sons?
Talking? Taking part in theirs and yours hobbies together? Taking men road trips?Etc.


They are adults now, you may or may not be able to reach out to them in the way you are looking for

For starters - start loving yourself and your wife more and make good use of your money to love and please yourselves.

The time is yesterday to arrange for your younger son to live on his own: he may start appreciating what you did for him over the years. (Or not?)

Give him his last money for security deposit? To show that you are not bitter..?
Make your wife tell him to go be on his own?


Then just spoil yourself- buy that shiny new fancy car, take a luxurious trip or two, turn your son’s room into your hobby room?

You did enough for your children; too bad they don’t reciprocate in a meaningful way.

Alas, life is full of disappointments.

Treat yourself right! It never disappoints!

Spend on yourself, turn your resentment into a pleasure of spoiling yourself and to make yourself happy and your wife happy?

Happy people are loved by others as they are not petty, they are fun, cheerful, radiate their happiness to others!


Feeling for you; know that you are not alone in the way you feel: a lot of disappointments in parenting for a lot of people

TLDR: you are right in principle, but approaching it differently would be better as it was a signal to you that you are not that close with your sons and you could attempt to do something about it not involving material things

[Colorado Rambler]

Originally Posted by Jonmarc

I am livid and pretty hurt. Yesterday was Father’s Day and my kids did NOTHING for me. They did say “Happy Father’s Day” but that’s it. No card, no special treat, no small gift, nothing. I even made everyone dinner but there wasn’t even a thank you. And they are adults (26, 27). The young child lives with us for free (I never believed that you charge rent to close family unless you have to). The older child is engaged (we are generously to a portion of the wedding later this year) and lives nearby in a house we just helped them buy (in the crazy market last year we gave them the cash to buy so their offers were more attractive).

I was so hurt and mad I wrote them the following text:

Good morning. I have to tell you both how hurt, disappointed and angry I am about yesterday. You both did the absolute minimum you could for Fathers Day. I thought that we taught you better than that but apparently not since all I got was a “Happy Fathers Day” from both of you. I would say that to just anybody, not my own father.

Now I wasn’t expecting a big gift but a simple card would have been nice. And maybe something you know I like, like ice cream from XXX or breakfast or lunch from somewhere I like.

If you both remember we NEVER missed Father’s Day with your grandfather. We always went down there with a card and a small gift and got him dinner he liked. I also always made sure he knew what we were doing for special occasions so he didn’t have to ask repeatedly what the plans were like I did this weekend and didn’t get a response to. You both should be the ones making the plans and telling me what you are going to do.

And Bxxx do you know calling me from your bathtub was obnoxious. It says “look at me, lounging in my tub which is more important to me than you on Fathers Day”.

Rxxx - it would have been nice if you got your lazy ass out of bed this morning and went and got me breakfast or lunch or something. Or even dessert after dinner.

I also was disappointed that you both took off right after the play Saturday night. It was like saying “I spent enough time with you, now it’s my time to do what I want”. That’s just being selfish. We used to point out the selfish things Mxxx and Dxxx did so you wouldn’t repeat them. I guess neither of you learned that lesson.

You are both adults now. Start acting like it. I shouldn’t have to tell you both how to act. I shouldn’t have to blow up and tell you I’m angry or disappointed by your actions or lack of them. It’s time you both grow up.

And while we are at it, you both need to start saying the words “I’m sorry” when you do something wrong. There is nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake. For some reason neither of you do that, at least to me or mom. That just shows arrogance and a lack of humility. That’s not a good trait so cut it out and say you’re sorry when you do something wrong. Like now!

Needless to say I have received no response.

Let me say that my wife and I did not raise our kids this way. We raised them to be respectful and thoughtful. We may have spoiled them but we always reminded them of all that they have to be grateful for. We taught them to thank people for things they get and that family is very important. Im not sure how they got so inconsiderate.

Is it that they are of a generation of entitled kids who think they are owed everything? A friend says it is.

They both got jobs at 16 and worked for their pocket money. We paid for their college and grad school because we could and we felt it was important they not be burdened with student debt. We both also weren’t absentee parents who put their careers before them. In fact I gave up a couple of very lucrative opportunities to be home with them and to not move them far from family. We both attended virtually every school and sports event they had. We read to them every night and spent as much time together as a family as we could. That was certainly more than any other kid had. Overall we did all we could but it appears it was for naught.

If your kids are entering their late 20's it's a little late to start training them on how you wish to be treated on special occasions. Have they always had the same attitude that they do now? I bet they have at least since they attained adulthood because people tend to stick to the same patterns once they get grown up and more or less settled in their ways. So unless this is a new behavior pattern that just started with this most recent Father's Day, things are unlikely to change - ESPECIALLY if you make a huge federal case out of the whole thing. so that all parties end up feeling aggrieved and unappreciated.


Did the kids just go home after the play? If so, what's so wrong with that? And when you made the arrangements for the play, did you include an invitation to go do something afterward? Meet at someone's house for coffee and a discussion of the play or whatever else? Stopping in at a favorite watering hole to relax and shoot the breeze? If you didn't make any plans or suggestions ahead of time, you can't blame your sons if they made other commitments if you didn't ask them to do something with you before they made other plans,

I hate to say it, but it seems to me that you are being rather overly demanding. How on earth did you think they would react when you basicly tore them a new one? I am sure your kids love you. Heck, they spent a Saturday night with you when they could have just gone out with their friends - especially their girlfriends if they have them, Your kids don't have to move mountains to prove they care about you. Ease up and give them a chance to just love dear old Dad in their own way - which seems like a pretty good way to me.



As you have already discovered, guilt tripping your adult sons is a non starter. If anything, they will just grow annoyed with you and stay away MORE rather than less.

[gentlearts]

I understand OPs hurt feelings. Our children do not live close by so all we get is a text and sometimes a phone call, depending.

I have friends who get nice flowers on their birthdays, or get taken out for dinner, but not us.

My feeling is that if you have to ask, it kind of spoils it.

[clevergirl67]

Originally Posted by Jonmarc

The younger child has given me the silent treatment. Thats very telling and not good. Very immature.

I can't say I blame him. He still lives in your home and is probably walking on eggshells around you after you told him he should have "gotten off his lazy ass and gotten you breakfast". If he's smart, he'll be couch surfing at a friend's by this weekend and be out of your hair.

[TheOldPuss]

At this point in the relationships with your kids, OP, I would recommend this advice, going forward: expect nothing and get everything.