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I feel this is largely because she does not have a college degree or certification. Her jobs have been in the service and hospitality industry. During our talks, she said she has no intention of pursuing an education at this time because she does not want to deal with student loans. But I think her anxiety around school is due to her not being a good student - she barely made it out of high school.
She has convinced herself that she has a learning deficit (ADHD) and that further education would be a waste of time, money, and energy. ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by BriteSpot
lots of job hopping then landed a job as a manager. at the 10 month mark she was exhausted. opening and closing, managing employees and covering other managers shifts. then a new manager came in, he had a degree. she was demoted and eventually they mutually agreed to separate.
she is being encouraged to apply EVERY WHERE and to follow up on the application. the interviews are happening but the only offer was for waitressing. she has accepted that one but its weekends only. the resume has been updated :-)
Sadly, your daughter's experience with the service and hospitality industry is fairly typical. People in all sorts of jobs cannot afford to live on their own. It generally takes two paychecks to cover the mortgage/rent, etc.
Bartending or cocktail waitressing at high end places can be lucrative, but nearly everything else is a ton of work for not much money, and absolutely no job security whatsoever. You can be doing a great job and then the restaurant closes down.
The son of a lifelong friend has worked for Hilton for years, starting as a night clerk and working his way up to middle management. He still lives at home as he doesn't make enough to live on his own in Seattle.
Seems to me she has a few options here:
1) Continue to live on the financial edge in the service and hospitality industry.
2) Go down to the career center at the local community college, and meet with a vocational counselor. There may be some career options she has not considered. If she has a learning disability, they can provide a range of accommodations to help her. The tuition is far more affordable than a four year college, and often there are scholarships available. Our local community college will waive all costs for tuition, fees and books to college-eligible students who desire to begin or continue their education. Perhaps that program is available in your area.
3) Check into joining the Army, Air Force, or Navy. She will learn a career, be able to pay her bills, and though she may need to bunk with others for a time, she will eventually have her own place. Not to mention be eligible to retire in twenty years with a pension and health insurance for the rest of her life. Lots of people with learning disabiities do this.
Sounds like she's a hard worker with a desire to succeed.
With my (and other family members assistance), she moved back home from across the country. It has been a month. We have paid for the shipping of her items, gas, phone, car note, insurance, etc. She has been looking for work but nothing has panned out as of yet. Lots of interviews but no job. I feel this is largely because she does not have a college degree or certification. Her jobs have been in the service and hospitality industry. During our talks, she said she has no intention of pursuing an education at this time because she does not want to deal with student loans. But I think her anxiety around school is due to her not being a good student - she barely made it out of high school.
She has convinced herself that she has a learning deficit (ADHD) and that further education would be a waste of time, money, and energy. Conversations with her include tears, attitude, and frustration. When I ask her about her passions, and interests - things that she loves to do, she says she doesn't know. I feel like I'm talking to a 12-year-old at times. She has everything going for her - a great support system, attractive, good personality but her self-confidence is lacking and it is holding her back.
Before she moved back home she'd go weeks without talking to me if my conversations turned to more serious topics like life choices, financial planning, and her long-term goals and I don't want that to happen again.
We live in a major metropolitan city with lots of jobs and a great public transportation system. There are a lot of opportunities here.
I fully realize that whatever she does is ultimately her choice but I want to help her in ways other than paying her bills.
*sigh* not looking for advice - just needed to vent.
Happy Holidays?
Don’t despair; if she seems content - so be it.
She needs a bit more time to “grow up”?
Why not direct her to a front desk job at a large hotel chain? You surely have those hotels nearby?
They are surely hiring?
She doesn’t need an education for that; they get good travel perks - so you could enjoy them too?
It is a simple job, but may pay her bills, she will be surrounded by people and it could even grow into a career if she wants.
Another one is flight attendant: takes away from your home for a time
If discussing adult subjects distresses her -then don’t.
Just give 1 simple advice at a time: look for the jobs I mentioned and point it out to her.
Once she employed - suggest IRA contributions or stock index funds for her future?
The hotel jobs will let her move around to other locales if she is tired of living with you and wants to try a different scenery
Or obtain a higher paying position or position in a sunnier perhaps resort place?
She may even meet someone eventually- friends, spouse, etc or just someone to influence her to room together?
Some people just prefer simple life with simple job. There isn’t anything wrong with that.
Stop worrying. Enjoy time with your daughter
Last edited by L00k4ward; 12-08-2023 at 09:44 AM..
she didn't want to come back home but she needed to because she could not afford the apartment she was living in. she did not care to live with roommates anymore and sleeping in her car was also not an option. i am paying her bills because she was considering bankruptcy - her debt is not that great: car note, phone bill, insurance. no babies, no credit cards. my family and i are in a position to help her so why shouldn't we if we are able and it doesn't put us in a bad spot? it won't be forever and we have established a repayment plan.
The reason not to step in and pay an adult's bills is because it's enabling her to be childish - and that won't help her or you in the long run. She needs to grow up and figure it out. There is no good reason a person as you have described cannot get a job. There has to be something else going on.
Yes, you nailed it. VERY sensitive and criticism crushes her. Lots of tears and self-pity. There are no less than two boxes of tissues in every room of the house. As a mom, I have to watch my step because ANYTHING I say is especially crushing. I'm very careful with my words and try to listen more than I talk. The other family members that are supporting her do a little more talking than I, and even tho there are tears and attitude, she bounces back easier than she would if I said the very same words. Your thoughts are very much in line with what we have been encouraging her to do so thanks for responding :-)
This makes things more difficult. She could simply be a "Highly Sensitive Person" (HSP) or she could have a personality disorder (like Borderline) - the fact she has an "attitude" makes everything much worse. Maybe the "attitude" is apparent to people interviewing her?
The one good thing is that she WAS self-sufficient, so she does have the ability to take care of herself.
I would encourage immediate work with a therapist and then a coach.
If she was fired or "laid off," she can apply for unemployment and she can contribute to the household and pay her own bills.
Don’t despair; if she seems content - so be it.
She needs a bit more time to “grow up”?
Why not direct her to a front desk job at a large hotel chain? You surely have those hotels nearby?
They are surely hiring?
She doesn’t need an education for that; they get good travel perks - so you could enjoy them too?
It is a simple job, but may pay her bills, she will be surrounded by people and it could even grow into a career if she wants.
Another one is flight attendant: takes away from your home for a time
If discussing adult subjects distresses her -then don’t.
Just give 1 simple advice at a time: look for the jobs I mentioned and point it out to her.
Once she employed - suggest IRA contributions or stock index funds for her future?
The hotel jobs will let her move around to other locales if she is tired of living with you and wants to try a different scenery
Or obtain a higher paying position or position in a sunnier perhaps resort place?
She may even meet someone eventually- friends, spouse, etc or just someone to influence her to room together?
Some people just prefer simple life with simple job. There isn’t anything wrong with that.
Stop worrying. Enjoy time with your daughter
I suspect that hotel chains are hiring front desk help. It could indeed grow into a career. My friend's son enjoys his mid-level management job with Hilton. He has a bachelor's degree in hospitality management. He enjoys the travel perks. The problem is that the job doesn't pay enough for him to live on his own in Seattle. He lives with his mother and they both expect that he will continue to do so as he is unlikely to ever make the jump to top level management.
I agree that many just want simple jobs. The problem is that these jobs rarely pay enough to live independently these days.
Traveling to different places, working at resorts, enjoying the adventures of life are all well and good in your twenties. But going through your thirties this way leaves a person without much of a financial foundation.
Ask any woman who has stayed home to raise her kids and ended up divorced in her forties about how easy it is to make ends meet at jobs that women in their forties with little work experience can get. Ask her what her retirement years are like.
She may indeed have ADHD. Our neighbor does. She takes medication every morning before work so she can stay focused because she wants to pay off the mortgage. Many people with ADHD hold down decent jobs, but they may need medication to do so.
IRAs and stock index futures? Really? On a waitress' salary? Think of how much she would need to put away to fund a decent retirement.
A friend of mine has been doing that for her entire working career. She's a physician and has made decent money, and put a lot of it away into retirement accounts. But she is still working at 65 as projections show she will run out of money if she lives to 85. What chance does a waitress have to save enough to fund a decent retirement?
If she keeps up the present trajectory, once her family is no longer able to help support her, she'll be telling her story to a social worker.
In my opinion, she has made a good move coming home to her family to take a deep breath and figure out how to go from here.
But doing the same thing she's been doing won't get her to financial independence.
Don’t despair; if she seems content - so be it.
She needs a bit more time to “grow up”?
Why not direct her to a front desk job at a large hotel chain? You surely have those hotels nearby?
They are surely hiring?
She doesn’t need an education for that; they get good travel perks - so you could enjoy them too?
It is a simple job, but may pay her bills, she will be surrounded by people and it could even grow into a career if she wants.
Another one is flight attendant: takes away from your home for a time
If discussing adult subjects distresses her -then don’t.
Just give 1 simple advice at a time: look for the jobs I mentioned and point it out to her.
Once she employed - suggest IRA contributions or stock index funds for her future?
The hotel jobs will let her move around to other locales if she is tired of living with you and wants to try a different scenery
Or obtain a higher paying position or position in a sunnier perhaps resort place?
She may even meet someone eventually- friends, spouse, etc or just someone to influence her to room together?
Some people just prefer simple life with simple job. There isn’t anything wrong with that.
Stop worrying. Enjoy time with your daughter
I suspect that hotel chains are hiring front desk help. It could indeed grow into a career. My friend's son enjoys his mid-level management job with Hilton. He has a bachelor's degree in hospitality management. He enjoys the travel perks. The problem is that the job doesn't pay enough for him to live on his own in Seattle. He lives with his mother and they both expect that he will continue to do so as he is unlikely to ever make the jump to top level management.
I agree that many just want simple jobs. The problem is that these jobs rarely pay enough to live independently these days.
Traveling to different places, working at resorts, enjoying the adventures of life are all well and good in your twenties. But going through your thirties this way leaves a person without much of a financial foundation.
Ask any woman who has stayed home to raise her kids and ended up divorced in her forties about how easy it is to make ends meet at jobs that women in their forties with little work experience can get. Ask her what her retirement years are like.
She may indeed have ADHD. Our neighbor does. She takes medication every morning before work so she can stay focused because she wants to pay off the mortgage. Many people with ADHD hold down decent jobs, but they may need medication to do so.
IRAs and stock index futures? Really? On a waitress' salary? Think of how much she would need to put away to fund a decent retirement.
A friend of mine has been doing that for her entire working career. She's a physician and has made decent money, and put a lot of it away into retirement accounts. But she is still working at 65 as projections show she will run out of money if she lives to 80. What chance does a waitress have to save enough to fund a decent retirement?
If she keeps up the present trajectory, once her family is no longer able to help support her, she'll be telling her story to a social worker.
In my opinion, she has made a good move coming home to her family to take a deep breath and figure out how to go from here.
But doing the same thing she's been doing for the past decade is unlikely to get her to financial independence.
…she has no desire to marry and does not want children.
Britespot, this is a very good thing. Sounds like your daughter is well aware of the stifling nature of many domestic set-ups, and refuses be sucked into the wife&ma quicksand.
I trust you’ll continue to be gentle with her, and let her find her way in her own good time.
Women marrying men in order to ensure their own survival has been going on for the entirety of human existence. 2023 is no different, and for a woman with no education nor meaningful job skills, it is still a viable (and for many, a very attractive) alternative. Pretending otherwise is just naive in the extreme.
Women marrying men in order to ensure their own survival has been going on for the entirety of human existence. 2023 is no different, and for a woman with no education nor meaningful job skills, it is still a viable (and for many, a very attractive) alternative. Pretending otherwise is just naive in the extreme.
While this may be a very attractive alternative to you, she's said she doesn't want this. Which, IMO, is a smart move. Why spend the most productive years of your life on a relationship that at best has a 50-50 chance of working out? If he dumps her when she 40, or 50, what then?
She may get spousal support for a few years until she is on her feet, but it's been years since I heard of a woman getting a lifetime of alimony. I think Florida just passed legislation to do away with lifetime alimony there.
Seems most men these days want a wife who works and contributes financially. Or they may want a stay at home wife, but simply cannot afford one.
I grew up when married women put up with all sorts of BS because they had no choice. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
The reason not to step in and pay an adult's bills is because it's enabling her to be childish - and that won't help her or you in the long run. She needs to grow up and figure it out. There is no good reason a person as you have described cannot get a job. There has to be something else going on.
My twenty-something year old was fired an office job and felt lost like the OP's daughter. Came back home with a big attitude - from shame and embarrassment. Finally went back to school. Began a new life - on the right track now! My kiddo had financial support from me during this difficult time.
There is such an emphasis on college, that any young adult without a degree is looked down on. It's not only seen as a lack knowledge, but as a economic class divider. It's like not being in the "cool" group.
I agree with everyone else, start at a community college.
A friend's son failed his first semester at a community college, went back and failed a second, and the third time was the charm. He went on to graduate from Albany SUNY and is applying to graduate schools now.
Slow and steady wins the race!
OP, your daughter's life is more common that you can imagine.
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