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She was nice in other ways which I won't go into here for confidentiality reasons but yeah it was frustrating to deal with that. And to make matters worse, my mother was also a conversational narcissist who abused, scapegoated, gaslighted and defamed me. She had that same cousin believing every word she said so there was that too. It was not fun. My mother would tell me "you're hogging the conversation" especially in front of others at gatherings. Then she would take over and proceed to hog the conversation!
I think we had the same mother. My mother would dominate the conversation to the point where she wouldn't allow anyone else to even speak. If she ran out of something to say, she would put in little placeholders, "So then", "I hope you understand", "ah", until she could get another conversation about herself established. She thought she was an excellent, funny, smart, conversationalist. She wasn't. Everyone just wanted her to shut up. At a family party, my sister in law and I hid in the kid's playroom so we could talk.
I have a friend, who can be a good friend in other ways, but who does this with a twist. If you say a date, any date, she will relate it to something to do with her or her life.
So if I said I had a doctor's appointment for August 15, she might say, "August 15th? That's the day my Andrew was due! But he was born a month early. I was with my mother-in-law when my water broke, and..."
Every date is the birthday of someone in her life, the day the baby she miscarried 50 years ago was due, the day her father died, her cousin's anniversary...and she'll drop her jaw and her eyes will widen as if it's such a coincidence that what you said is on THE EXACT SAME DATE! as whatever she starts talking about.
It is a bit annoying, but somewhat amusing, except for once. A few years ago, I mentioned that an upcoming date would be 10 years since my brother had died. Her response was, "February 24? Why that's my friend Karen's birthday! We were friends as kids back in the Bronx. She lives in Connecticut now and her husband died last year, blah blah blah".
This time I got up and said, "I think I am going home. I'm kind of tired", and I left. I remember she looked somewhat puzzled.
LOL. She has good memories about everyone and everything.
LOL. She has good memories about everyone and everything.
As I said, she can be a good-hearted soul, but this turning every conversation to be about her using dates can drive you bonkers. I'm not the only one who noticed. We were with another friend one day who was proudly showing off pics of her new great-granddaughter, who was born on XXX date, and immediately, "OH! That's the same birthday as my late husband's niece, who lives in..." and the other woman smiled and said, "Who cares?" and continued to talk about the new baby. LOL.
One of the first things that came up when we were getting to know each other (we are both on our condo board) was that her husband and my father both died on October 30. Sixteen years apart, mind you, but that doesn't cease to AMAZE her. "I just think it's so WEIRD that your dad and my husband died ON THE SAME DATE!". Um, no, there are only 365 days in a year, and about 150K people die every day, but be that as it may, she was raised Jewish, and even though she is no longer observant, she lights a yahrzeit candle for my father every year on October 30 when she lights one for her husband, which is nice of her.
This was new for me. I had long wondered about my relative who always redirects the conversation back to herself. I had privately observed that in order to capture XX's attention, you need to be talking TO her ABOUT her. But I did not know it had a name.
It does.
She is a conversational narcissist, and it turns out the world is full of them. Her family is full of them for sure.
Do you know any? https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articl...%20narcissism.
“Conversational” is only one aspect of narcissism and usually the most benign
We had a friend like this. I have to say, he was entertaining so we put up with it, but it sure got old!
He'd go on and on, never asking one thing about us. If we managed to sneak a sentence in, he'd look away and start to fidget, stare at the horizon, glance at his phone. Never look at us.
He moved back to Phoenix and no one misses him, lol.
I have a friend, who can be a good friend in other ways, but who does this with a twist. If you say a date, any date, she will relate it to something to do with her or her life.
So if I said I had a doctor's appointment for August 15, she might say, "August 15th? That's the day my Andrew was due! But he was born a month early. I was with my mother-in-law when my water broke, and..."
Every date is the birthday of someone in her life, the day the baby she miscarried 50 years ago was due, the day her father died, her cousin's anniversary...and she'll drop her jaw and her eyes will widen as if it's such a coincidence that what you said is on THE EXACT SAME DATE! as whatever she starts talking about.
It is a bit annoying, but somewhat amusing, except for once. A few years ago, I mentioned that an upcoming date would be 10 years since my brother had died. Her response was, "February 24? Why that's my friend Karen's birthday! We were friends as kids back in the Bronx. She lives in Connecticut now and her husband died last year, blah blah blah".
This time I got up and said, "I think I am going home. I'm kind of tired", and I left. I remember she looked somewhat puzzled.
Couldn't rep you again, but this story is so funny!
I really hate it when people do this, but your description is hilarious! Good for you for staying friends anyway.
I have a sister with dementia. She does this all the time. But in her case, this is not a lifelong habit, it’s rooted in the dementia. I have learned that all I need to do at this point is listen with half an ear, and say yes or no appropriately. It’s gotten worse since the pandemic. Frankly, it’s really sad. I would think if you run into somebody who is like this now, who didn’t used to be? This might be an indication that there’s something going on.
This may sound strange, but I personally find these sort of people very restful and have purposely cultivated relationships (ok, maybe a little short of a real relationship where information is more of a two-way street) of this sort. A favorite friend of mine who has since moved away, used to take me on long car rides as he liked to look around at real estate. He would chat non-stop about himself, his life, particular experiences,etc. I uttered hmms, oh reallys at what seemed like appropriate places and let himself talk himself silly while I relaxed in the passenger's seat and let the words and the sound of the engine lull me to a rather comatose state, as I looked out the window.
No one demanding to know more about me or the particulars of my life... Superficial relationships are much easier and less taxing. As a fairly introverted person I find I am limited in the number of truly personal relationships I can/wish to sustain.
Conversational Narcissists can make for easy, light-hearted friendships I like easy and light-hearted.
I agree with much of this, though not an introvert.
I have a sister with dementia. She does this all the time. But in her case, this is not a lifelong habit, it’s rooted in the dementia. I have learned that all I need to do at this point is listen with half an ear, and say yes or no appropriately. It’s gotten worse since the pandemic. Frankly, it’s really sad. I would think if you run into somebody who is like this now, who didn’t used to be? This might be an indication that there’s something going on.
Good point.
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Solly says — Be nice!
I like easy and light-hearted.
